At First Sight
by hisviks
Summary: Take one ill fit bride and add one clueless groom and watch experts arrange what they deem the 'perfect' marriage that proves to be inconvenient to everyone involved but the happy couple. Mix in a healthy dose of scepticism, resentment, and rivalry along with some disturbing 'senior' moments and you might come close to getting what this story is about. E/S – Wildly AU and OOC
1. Chapter 1 - Prologue - I do

_A/N: Inspiration strikes in the strangest places and for this it was a TV documentary/reality show called, "Married at First Sight" (I watched the UK version, I know there's a US version too, but it's originally a Danish format though I have no idea how varied they are from one to the next, me and my rosy Eurotrashy (sun)glasses are assuming the US version ups the drama a bit for added effect unnecessarily with lots of exciting commercial breaks in between... those who've seen it will just have to let me know)._

 _Anyhow, in it, a gathered group of experts use 'science' (and I use the term loosely since it appeared that beyond a bit of measuring that compared ratios, it seemed mostly reliant on social sciences as evidentiary base) to match up individuals whom they felt would 'fit' and could, therefore; in theory marry each other, sight unseen, and have a successful arranged marriage. They are married without meeting until they say 'I do' and are followed for five weeks at which point it is evaluated whether or not they will stay together._

 _Personally I had some issues with their methods (a high emphasis on matching highly similar qualities rather than complimentary, an ever-present camera crew chronicling it all in an already awkward time, one expert was a cleric and his accreditation for being an expert was as follows "I married over a 150 couples." etc., etc.). Regardless, it was an interesting watch and the 'what if' tingles in my Supernatural Wonderland started to surface along with some new insights to produce this little tale._

 _It's kind of revealed in the first few sentences, but you'll never guess who's getting married… Oh, and a forewarning! The title is very misleading :) Also, I've always found Adele's character to be rather schizophrenic to suit CH's plot whims so I've sort of gone with the 'liberal' version of her as she was originally portrayed and fleshed that out a little, but that makes her very OOC in this._

 **Prologue - I do**

"What do you mean you're getting married? To whom?"

Sookie heard a rustle of papers over the phone before finally getting a response through a myriad of smacking noises and whoops, "Pa-mela Swinefort de Bo-bo…"

"JASON CORBETT STACKHOUSE, you are not marrying some girl whose name you can't even pronounce!"

"Here's the best part, Sook! We haven't even met!" he crowed triumphantly. Sookie could only roll her eyes at the thought of her idiot brother who would find _that_ an appealing perspective. Uncharacteristically he hummed thoughtfully before adding, "I've been assured she's hot as hell though."

"Jason!"

"I've made up my mind, Sis!" he replied in a tone that she knew to be unwavering. "Now you can either come out here to celebrate with us or not. I'm doing this either way."

"Jason, this is insane!"

"Limo will be there in a few, make sure to tell Gran and GG!"

"JASON!" she cried out again, but was only met by the _very_ rude dial tone. "The nerve of that boy!" she fumed while stomping the on the porch plank with a little too much force considering their state of disrepair.

"Baby girl? Everything alright?"

"Gran!" she gasped, looking about as guilty as a child with her hand caught in a cookie jar. With panting breath she clutched the phone to her chest. "Gran, you better sit down."

"Jason's getting married?" she beamed when Sookie had carefully regaled all the details of the reality-TV show Jason had signed up for that had promised him a custom-made bride to suit his every need by a panel of experts. He'd initially gone along for Hoyt's sake, but in the end he had been the one with a 'perfect match'.

"To someone he never met!" Sookie exclaimed, eyes wide with disbelief over her grandmother's apparent excitement with the sudden news. She continued to smile gently while Sookie feared her jaw was going to literally fall to floor. "For a reality TV show!"

"Sookie dear, it doesn't matter how a man finds a woman, just that he finds one."

"Gran! How could you say that?"

"Sookie, not everyone gets to marry for love, arranged marriages were quite the norm back in my day. You think your grandfather and I knew what we were getting into when we were first wed? We thought we knew everything, turns out we didn't."

"Gran, stop, please," she groaned with the physical assault of her grandmother's memories of her fumbling wedding night.

Adele chuckled, sensing what she had inadvertently projected to her granddaughter, "Marriage is a process, Sookie, and no one really knows what they're doing. They're probably better off because they'll be forced to consider each other, every step of the way rather than relying on past comforts and letting overtures cloud the rational."

"I can't believe you're in support of this," Sookie said with a shake of her head.

"How exciting, a wedding! I'll get started packing our bags," she smiled before patting her granddaughter on the shoulder. "Better close that mouth of yours, don't want to be catching flies now, you hear?"

"Yes, Ma'am," she whispered before exhaling deeply, finding herself alone on the porch again.

Her brother was getting married. _Married!_ He couldn't even manage to stray from one girl to the next without meeting a third on the way! The thought was so preposterous that she didn't know whether to burst in tears or laugh hysterically. Knowing her, it would most likely be an awkward combination of the two at the most inopportune of times.

"Great-granddaddy!" she sobbed when he suddenly appeared before her, sensing her distress, accosting the otherwise unscrupulous man with vigour. "Jason's getting married!" Sookie cried out, not even feeling guilty for staining his impeccable white suit with her tears.

"We'll find you a suitor soon enough," Niall soothed. "Don't worry, my dear granddaughter, he probably won't even make it down the aisle before he finds a new behind to sniff," he chuckled. "You'll definitely marry first."

"This isn't about me!" she exclaimed with frustration all over her face. "He's made up his mind, they're getting married tomorrow!"

"Without consulting me!" he said thoroughly aghast. "I am the head of this family. Who is he marrying?"

A small twinkle of hope emerged in Sookie's eyes at the thought of an ally who would prevent Jason from the biggest mistake of his life. She breathed out with a modicum of relief before vaguely recalling the name, "Pamela Bo de Swin or something?"

"Pamela Swynford de Beaufort?" her great-grandfather queried with a little too much excitement.

"Yeah, sounds about right."

"No worries, great-granddaughter mine," he grinned. "I will see to it all is well. Her Maker and I will have ourselves a little chat."

"Maker?!" she cried out in shock. Her great-grandfather, however, had seemed to take a cue from her brother as he merely shrugged before popping away and announcing, "See you at the wedding!"

oOoOoOo

"Pamela," her Maker growled down at the phone. "Explain yourself!"

"Are we going to do this every month?" she drawled out, bored with the conversation already. "I didn't shop _that_ much."

"This isn't about the credit cards! You're getting married?!"

"Oh yes," she mused. "I almost forgot. Did you want to be there?"

"Be there?" he fumed. "Do you have any idea whom you will NOT be marrying?"

"Actually, no," she smiled while wiggling her newly painted toes and sending away the pedicurist with a dismissive wave of her hand. "Jason something or the other. I thought it would be fun. Always wanted a wedding."

A string of expletives were launched into her ears while she merely shrugged and handed off the phone to one of her procured bridesmaids as she focused on how to wear her hair the next night. She beckoned the girl to return while making a mental note that she definitely would be eating her first tonight when her Maker suddenly alternated his indignant cries over the phone to her with that annoying Maker's call she couldn't ignore. That shit hurt like a bitch _and_ not in the good way.

"Yes," she answered with all the feigned innocence she never possessed.

"You are marrying a FUCKING Brigant!"

"No, I'm not."

"A Jason Stackhouse," he said pointedly.

"Mmmm," she mused. "Sounds about right."

A growl of exasperation travelled down the phone line once more and with a mere wrinkle of her nose, the bridesmaid was quick to remove the phone away from the bride-to-be's delicate ears again. _She was so getting eaten tonight._ "Jason FUCKING Stackhouse is Niall Brigant's great-grandson."

"I'm marrying a Faery Prince?!" she screamed out with joy, clamouring for the phone again.

"Pam, you are ending this now!" her Maker warned. "The dowry alone is extortionate. No one wants this."

"I do!"

"PAMELA!"

"I do, I do," Pam cried out in glee, turning in circles in the opulent room as she did. "Oh Eric, a thousand times I do!"

"PAMELA!" Even he was getting tired of the accompanying growls that now seemed permanently attached to her name. "You don't even like men!"

"Yes, well," she sighed. "That bothered me too, but it's too much effort glamouring an entire government body to make that legal. Unless you'd like to take that task? Besides, I've been told no one has sex in a marriage anyway, although with the promise of a bit of faery nip..."

"Pamela," he breathed out while contemplating what exactly he'd have to kill tonight to unleash the amount of frustration harboured over these sudden proceedings. "You do NOT fuck with the Brigants. Call it off!"

"Ehm," she spoke with a saccharine tone that he knew to be the fakest of all he'd ever encountered in his many centuries. "How about, no."

"PAMELA!"

"See you at the wedding!" she smiled before one of her minions expertly disconnected the line and disposed of the phone.

* * *

 **A/N: So are we liking this? This is me needing to write something fun and light while the angst continues elsewhere… I don't tend to post something unless I have a good few chapters banked and this will just have to slot into the rotation of my other stories as we go along.**

 **Much thanks to msbuffy, my ever faithful confidant and polisher of words**


	2. Chapter 2 - Something Old

" _Pam, you are ending this now!" her Maker warned. "The dowry alone is extortionate. No one wants this."_

" _I do!"_

" _PAMELA!"_

" _I do, I do," Pam cried out in glee, turning in circles in the opulent room as she did. "Oh Eric, a thousand times I do!"_

" _PAMELA!" Even he was getting tired of the accompanying growls that now seemed permanently attached to her name. "You don't even like men!"_

" _Yes, well," she sighed. "That bothered me too, but it's too much effort glamouring an entire government body to make that legal. Unless you'd like to take that task? Besides, I've been told no one has sex in a marriage anyway, although with the promise of a bit of faery nip..."_

" _Pamela," he breathed out while contemplating what exactly he'd have to kill tonight to unleash the amount of frustration harboured over these sudden proceedings. "You do NOT fuck with the Brigants. Call it off!"_

" _Ehm," she spoke with a saccharine tone that he knew to be the fakest of all he'd ever encountered in his many centuries. "How about, no."_

" _PAMELA!"_

" _See you at the wedding!" she smiled before one of her minions expertly disconnected the line and disposed of the phone._

 **Chapter 1 - Something Old**

"There you two are," Niall greeted while helping Adele out of the limousine outside of the impressive facade of the luxury hotel. He chuckled at the sight of his great-granddaughter whose scowl seemed set in the exact same mode as when he had last seen her. "All is well, darling girl," he said with a pet to her cheek. "I'm in need of some assistance though."

"Oh, thank God!" she said with an unbridled excitement in her eyes, "The wedding's off!"

Her great-grandfather scoffed before linking an arm with each of the women. "Far from it!" he said proudly. "Her Maker, however, is being ornery. We're at a stalemate, a bit of feminine Southern charm should lubricate the proceedings."

"Proceedings?"

"The dowry, darling," Adele informed without batting an eye. "It's not cheap marrying a Brigant!"

"Gran!" Sookie gasped. "You can't encourage that! We can't force her Maker to sell his daughter to us! It's downright archaic!"

"So is he," Niall chimed in with a shake of his head, chuckling internally at his great-granddaughter and her 'modern' opinions. She had so much to learn about the Supernatural, the old ways always triumphed in the end.

"Isn't it exciting, Sookie?" her Gran exclaimed in glee, completing ignoring her outrage at the proceedings, "Jason's marrying a vampire. We're getting vampires as in-laws! Imagine the stories they can tell!"

Sookie bit her tongue, and instead smiled encouragingly at her grandmother, never mind the fact that faeries were as old as dirt most days. No, Adele Stackhouse had been rather obsessed with the thoughts of vampires since they had come out of the coffin, and having one in the family had her more excited than Sookie could remember.

By her own admission, Sookie had been infected by the same curiosity with the discovery, but with the surfacing of Bon Temps' first vampire in the form of one Bill Compton had changed in an instant. Not only did he alternate between leering and brooding, he tried to glamour her the entire time! On that thought, she quickly checked her Gran's mind to make sure Bill Compton hadn't been implanting his pro-vamp propaganda again to make her go out with him. Alas, it was her Gran's own voracious curiosity, one which, at the moment, was gushing about the tiny little bottles of shampoo available in the sumptuous suite Niall had arranged for them. Sookie noted that for a woman who claimed to enjoy the smaller things in life, her Gran was awfully quick to change her tune in the midst of all this luxury.

Sookie eyed her suspiciously as her Gran contacted the housekeeping staff with a practiced ease instructing them with no uncertain terms on how to handle their dry cleaning. When implored to do so Sookie handed over her relatively simple dress for pressing. She barely had time to process her Gran's uncharacteristic manner when she started going through Sookie's suitcase, insisting that the summer dress she was wearing currently was not good enough to meet Pamela's maker.

"Such a beautiful name, isn't it?" Adele gushed as she continued to scrutinise her granddaughter's packed wardrobe. "Pamela."

"Uh huh," Sookie nodded with little interest before one of her best church dresses was thrust into her with force. A pointed look had her scampering into the bathroom to change.

She stared at herself in the mirror, briefly pinching herself to rule out that this wasn't really some terribly messed-up dream. Her Gran hadn't even blinked at the suggestion of jumping on a plane and seemed at great ease in these new surroundings, concrete jungle and skyscrapers included, while Sookie barely managed to catch her breath through it all.

A splash of cold water to her face proved to perform miracles, and with a quick touch up here and there, she felt somewhat like herself once more.

"Shall we?" Niall questioned with some impatience when she finally emerged again. With a succinct nod, she found her arm locked in her great-grandfather's again as he led them to a private dining room. Doors seemed to magically open themselves everywhere they went while staff scrambled in earnest to make themselves appear invisible and subservient.

"Faery owned and operated," Niall offered in explanation while Sookie desperately tried to locate exactly where her brother was in the building, but finding her mind warded out everywhere. An impressive set of heavy wooden doors opened up to a meticulously set dining table for far more guests than currently present in the room. At the head of the table they were greeted by a set of kind, blue eyes that twinkled with amusement at the sighting of the Faerie Prince's arm candy.

"Well, hello there."

Gran gasped with sudden recognition, "You never told me you were a vampire!"

The wear of travel and new surroundings had seriously worn down Sookie's shields and she was therefore forced to relive exactly where her grandmother had met this vampire, albeit the last time he was sporting what could only be described as a 'pornstache'. "Jesus Christ, Shepherd of Judea! You were at a key party?! With him!"

"Pish posh, dear," Adele dismissed. "It was a time of sexual exploration, me and your grandfather took every opportunity."

Before Sookie could manage to cry out in horror, the small brown-haired vampire greeted her warmly with a set of kisses to Adele's cheeks, "I knew I recognised that Stackhouse name from somewhere."

Tried as she might, Sookie attempted to retain her composure as her Gran relived some rather fond and explicit memories of the past while hovering for far too long in each other's personal space. Naked aerobics involving her Gran and anyone were just wrong on so many levels.

"You never told me you were a vampire, Godric!" she accused teasingly. "Naughty!"

"As I remember you were the naughty one," he chuckled, causing her Gran to blush fiercely. Sookie was ready to explode at that point while the two seemed to rekindle something she didn't even want to contemplate, let alone witness.

"Niall, could you see to it I get my own room?" Adele asked in a low aside whisper while Sookie caught her stray thought that wondered whether she'd packed her favourite silk negligee or not.

"Kill me now," Sookie groaned under her breath.

"Happy to oblige!" the other vampire in the room barked. She startled with the sudden sighting of the excessively irate, tall and blonde vampire who had gone unnoticed by her until now. "Niall, we need to settle this."

"Why don't we take a walk in the courtyard?" Godric offered to an eager head-bobbing Adele. Sookie didn't know whether to be alarmed or thankful for their disappearing act.

"You are not Pamela's Maker?" Adele asked in surprise as he ushered her towards the door.

"No," he smiled. He gestured to the other vampire who nodded formally in response, "Eric is mine and he sired young Pamela."

"Oh, how exciting," she replied. "We're both the grandparents! We should discuss things!"

Godric smiled indulgently while his Childe gave him a pointed glare to get the old woman out of there with haste.

"Shall we get down to it?" Eric demanded, demonstrating little patience when the two departed the room with promises of being back soon.

"Of course," Niall replied, his wiles widely on display for his ancient negotiating counterpart. Without the Gaul he was now at a significant disadvantage, the tempering to his roiling emotions absent, Niall knew bringing Adele would bear fruit he just hadn't expected it to work out so well. Smugly he moved towards the Viking vampire, Sookie following, still slightly flabbergasted with the events as they were continuing to unfold. Eric's eyes instantly narrowed with suspicion as the Faerie prince paraded his rather alluring great-granddaughter in front of him before sitting himself down on the armchairs arranged in a conversational setting.

"You don't mind if Sookie joins us, do you?" Niall posed innocently, smiling inwardly with the knowledge that Eric could poorly hide his attraction to his most prised possession despite his indifferent compliance.

"How do you, Mr. Northman?" Sookie asked demurely, only managing to hold back her own hand in introduction in time, instead offering the customary head nod.

"I've been better," he replied tersely, looking as if he was about to combust with pent up frustration. She had to smile a little at that, somehow it gave her great satisfaction that she wasn't the only one who was out of sorts with these sudden proceedings.

"So we've agreed to the sum, the plantation in Barbados, the pied-à-terre in Paris, the penthouse in New York, and the various businesses," Niall recounted with far too much satisfaction that even Sookie scowled openly. "We've yet to touch your main enterprise."

"Pamela has no part in that," Eric growled before adding with warning, "You will have no part in that."

"Are we not all to be family now?" he posed innocently in repose, watching with satisfaction as the crystal tumbler in the Viking's hand groaned in pain with the exerted pressure.

"We are not merging," Eric spoke with an even tone before it fell to condescending, "For some half-baked faltering spark plug that's vaguely related to you."

"HEY!" Sookie cried out with a surge of indignance with the dig at her brother. She slapped away Niall's quieting hand, suddenly becoming vested in the proceedings in which she had initially sympathised with their negotiating adversary, that was, till she met him. "Just because his spark isn't apparent doesn't mean it's not there!"

"What? Like his brain?" he replied sardonically, happy to be pushing the buttons on the other side for once.

Her composure was completely lost at that insult to her brother, never mind that it was a rather accurate description. No one was allowed to call her brother an idiot except her! "How dare you!" she yelled back, her own spark emerging between her hands in a display of the damage with the contained rage that had been gathering since the announcement of Jason's engagement.

"Resorting to violence already, Princess?" he spat out acerbically. "Typical Faeries."

"Excuse me?!" she gasped out in shock. "At least we're not bloodthirsty! Literally!"

"Your species has incited more bloodshed than ours ever has," he pointed out. "Literally!"

"Children, please," Niall tutted, hoping to avoid an eternal argument that never saw any winners. "How about a seat on the board?"

"Fine," he grit out with a vicious snarl, cursing himself for giving in so easily, but wanting this done already, regardless of the price paid. If Pam wasn't his beloved Childe he'd probably have wrung her dainty little neck countless times by now.

"Very well," Niall smiled, preening with pride with his mental haul. "Sookie will preside on our family's behalf."

"What? NO!" Sookie cried out while Eric made a similar sound of protest.

"It's our seat, we do with it what we want," Niall pointed out, completely ignoring Sookie and only addressing the vampire's objection. "It's just one seat of many, what concerns could you possibly have?" he posed with feigned innocence.

Frustrated with the manipulation of the well-versed Faerie prince who admittedly made a fair point, instead his eyes fell harshly to the pretty blonde next to her grandfather. He nodded in accordance despite his misgivings about trickster faeries meddling in his company, his gaze still boring into her. A satisfied smile finally fell upon him as the rapid thoughts connected in his jumbled mind. 'Yes, this would work quite well,' he mused to himself, eyes unwavering. Niall would deeply regret his little manoeuvre if he only knew what was in store for his precious great-granddaughter. Oh, how she would pay for this all, the previously extortionate price demanded for Pam suddenly coming out a bargain with what he just gained!

Sookie gulped with sudden unease at the vampire's look of intense satisfaction, the direction so intense she suddenly caught the projected thoughts from his mind. Yes, little faery, be afraid. Be very afraid because I'm going to make your life the hell you just made mine.

* * *

 **A/N: So those of you who had been betting on Eric and Sookie being the ones to fall in love 'At First Sight' better pay up now… oh, and despite appearances and a previous pairing of Pam and Niall in the Thanksgiving Fixin's series, I do not have some weird old people fetish… but grossing you all out with Gran is just too much fun…**

 **Please don't get too used to the speedy update on this, I'm aiming for once a week if I manage. The only reason this came out early is because some of the lovely contributors over on the Fangbangers Anonymous blog (check my profile for more info and a link) were having a trying week to an already trying year and the scheduled chapter of FTI was a little on the melancholy side so I figured they'd deserve a bit of a laugh instead :D**

 **Thanks to msbuffy for her excellent editing skills.**

 **Loved reading all your thoughts on the prologue, now go and speculate what's next, not like I'll tell… ;)**


	3. Chapter 3 - Something New

_**A/N: I updated twice last week in quite close succession so check out the previous chapter if you've only read the prologue so far.**_

" _We are not merging," Eric spoke with an even tone before it fell to condescending, "For some half-baked faltering spark plug that's vaguely related to you."_

" _HEY!" Sookie cried out with a surge of indignance with the dig at her brother. She slapped away Niall's quieting hand, suddenly becoming vested in the proceedings in which she had initially sympathised with their negotiating adversary, that was, till she met him. "Just because his spark isn't apparent doesn't mean it's not there!"_

" _What? Like his brain?" he replied sardonically, happy to be pushing the buttons on the other side for once._

 _Her composure was completely lost at that insult to her brother, never mind that it was a rather accurate description. No one was allowed to call her brother an idiot except her! "How dare you!" she yelled back, her own spark emerging between her hands in a display of the damage with the contained rage that had been gathering since the announcement of Jason's engagement._

" _Resorting to violence already, Princess?" he spat out acerbically. "Typical Faeries."_

" _Excuse me?!" she gasped out in shock. "At least we're not bloodthirsty! Literally!"_

" _Your species has incited more bloodshed than ours ever has," he pointed out. "Literally!"_

" _Children, please," Niall tutted, hoping to avoid an eternal argument that never saw any winners. "How about a seat on the board?"_

" _Fine," he grit out with a vicious snarl, cursing himself for giving in so easily, but wanting this done already, regardless of the price paid. If Pam wasn't his beloved Childe he'd probably have wrung her dainty little neck countless times by now._

" _Very well," Niall smiled, preening with pride with his mental haul. "Sookie will preside on our family's behalf."_

" _What? NO!" Sookie cried out while Eric made a similar sound of protest._

" _It's our seat, we do with it what we want," Niall pointed out, completely ignoring Sookie and only addressing the vampire's objection. "It's just one seat of many, what concerns could you possibly have?" he posed with feigned innocence._

 _Frustrated with the manipulation of the well-versed Faerie prince who admittedly made a fair point, instead his eyes fell harshly to the pretty blonde next to her grandfather. He nodded in accordance despite his misgivings about trickster faeries meddling in his company, his gaze still boring into her. A satisfied smile finally fell upon him as the rapid thoughts connected in his jumbled mind. 'Yes, this would work quite well,' he mused to himself, eyes unwavering. Niall would deeply regret his little manoeuvre if he only knew what was in store for his precious great-granddaughter. Oh, how she would pay for this all, the previously extortionate price demanded for Pam suddenly coming out a bargain with what he just gained!_

 _Sookie gulped with sudden unease at the vampire's look of intense satisfaction, the direction so intense she suddenly caught the projected thoughts from his mind._ _ **Yes, little faery, be afraid. Be very afraid because I'm going to make your life the hell you just made mine.**_

 **Chapter 2 - Something New**

Sookie attacked her entree ferociously with intermittent glares at the blonde vampire seated across from her, things did _not_ seem to be improving. She had stopped bothering to even pretend to be cordial, leaving that to her Gran and Niall who seemed to be chatting up a storm with Godric over the upcoming nuptials.

Eric, meanwhile, shoved around the textures of blood with disinterest that decorated his plate, yes, that was, indeed, as it was described on the self-pretentious menu, ' _Textures of Exotic Blood'_. He groaned just thinking about it and vastly preferred the days of old when textures of blood meant spilt crimson all over sumptuous fabrics that aggravated a newly-born Pam over the loss of such precious cloths. Considering the company he found himself in, he didn't see any objection to reliving those times saving the stupid Stackhouse boy for desserts. _Stupid Pam._

"Stop that!" Sookie hissed, uncomfortable with his persistent, absent gaze that had settled on her while his imagination had run wild.

"Make me!" he retorted, which she only managed to return with an aggrieved scowl as she silently bit her tongue for her grandmother's sake. He grinned with supreme satisfaction while observing her imposed reserve, and most certainly _not_ because of the enticing rush of blood that flushed her cheeks. _Fucking Faeries._

"You will join Jason and his party?" Niall interrupted their stalemate of two. She glanced back at her great-grandfather whose face communicated it wasn't much of a question, but rather a command.

"Yes, Sir," she nodded sullenly with the relegation of being Jason's babysitter for the night. Forcing him to live up to the Brigant crest where it had ingrained in her naturally.

"I'll be coming along," Eric announced when she consolingly attacked the chocolate dessert just placed in front of her that she had decided would be her only consolation prize for the night ahead.

"I don't think so, buster!" she spoke out bitterly when the rich dusting of cocoa powder assaulted her throat and forced her into a coughing fit in her attempt to swallow it down and protest at the same time.

"Sookie!" her Gran scolded with a disapproving look that bruised harder than any switch ever would. "If Mr. Northman wants to come with you, he's allowed. We'll all be family soon."

"Fine!" she huffed before tossing her napkin over the plate of chocolate sin now thoroughly ruined by him. "Let's go."

Eric was up and out of his seat in seconds, ready to drag her along and out of the room, a scuffle not going unnoticed by either of their elders who looked on in reproach, and a tandem chorus of apologies was begrudgingly uttered before they scurried out of the room.

"Where are you taking me?" she demanded hotly, _not_ because he was hot, well he _was,_ but she expertly chose to avoid that fact in favour of unleashing her unbridled temper as he rushed her along the long hallway in the opposite direction from where she had come.

"Are you always this difficult?" he questioned when she dug her feet into the plush carpet and refused to move.

"Do you always drag women along?"

"They're usually quite happy to come," he answered without much thought before leering, "Usually more than once."

"Oh, GROSS!" she exclaimed when she finally caught on to his double entendre.

He couldn't help but chuckle at her apparent innocence, or rather her pretence of it. He'd noticed soon enough that she firmly adhered to her elders' wishes in place of her own, and the innocent and demure act fell in line with those expectations. Were these different times and circumstances he'd happily pluck at those tightly held strings to unravel the fascinating creature that lived beneath, but right now he had a wedding to stop, and it would start with derailing the bachelor party.

"COME!" he demanded impatiently, tugging her along again.

"That works for you and all those adoring women?" she glared, not giving or moving an inch.

"You'd be surprised how effective it is," he said with a grimace, slightly disgusted with himself momentarily. He sighed before squaring out his shoulders, "We're going to hotel boutique, you'll need something else to wear for a night out in this city."

"I have plenty to wear," she bit back, hiding the hurt she felt over the simplicity of her wardrobe being measured out by him before emphasising, "In my room!"

"Something not picked out by your grandmother?" he questioned with an accusing brow. "Something you wouldn't wear to church?"

"I so do! It's not like she buys all my clothes," she huffed, leaving out the fact that those items were mostly shorts and t-shirts, and aside from the formal dress now with the dry cleaners she really didn't have anything appropriate to wear to Jason's bachelor party. "But if you insist," Sookie gruffed while moving past him with a demonstrative shove. "Let's go."

He amused himself with the angry sway of her ass before speeding past her and making a selection of dresses before she even managed to arrive in the shop. "Here," he said with a thrust of fabric that veered her into the direction of the changing room.

Instantly she balked with the collection of dresses that were both too short and too revealing in the front and by his estimation of her size, undoubtedly too tight. "He has no clue what he's doing," she apologised to the sales associate who took back the dresses in understanding.

"Will you stop hovering," she spoke lowly while continuing to browse the racks, taking far too long by his standards.

"That one," he encouraged.

"No," she disagreed, even though she had kind of liked the short fuchsia number. With extra force, she moved the dress along the rack with a creaking sound that she knew bothered his sensitive hearing intensely. Instead, she picked up a dress with long sleeves and a high turtle neck that would fall just below the knee.

"What are you, a nun?" he scoffed, forcing her hand back to the rack. "This is worse than what you're wearing already."

"Perhaps I can offer a suggestion?" the sales associate interrupted before Sookie managed to unleash her full wrath on the arrogant vampire. She held up a deep red dress with cap sleeves that draped artfully around the waist, and despite its modest length, would split open high on her leg. She gasped at the beauty of it while a set of fangs audibly descended beside her in approval. Momentarily she hesitated, chewing at the corner of her bottom lip. She wanted to fight him on it, but then she really, really, liked the dress. With a small pep in her step she bounded towards it, fingering the fabric before she eagerly asked to fit it.

"Make sure she has some shoes to go with it," he instructed the sales associate who immediately went about her task. "And a clutch or something," he added, remembering the correct term drilled into him by Pam.

"Is this on right?" Sookie queried through the curtain, assuming the hovering presence was the sales associate, but instead found herself crammed in with a tall vampire staring her down in the mirror. He scrutinised her carefully before a cool finger traced the nervously palpitating vein, and then hummed his approval, suddenly finding himself with a lack of fighting words for the beauty standing in front of him.

"You should wear your hair up," he finally commented, the first words he had uttered towards her somewhat resembling a compliment, while gathering the strands of hair in demonstration. For a moment he reminded her of her overbearing cousin Claude and Sookie couldn't help but smile, for the first time feeling at ease in such close quarters with the detestable vampire. He was gay! The fact was only reinforced by his selection of shoes and a handbag when the sales associate joined them with options.

"Does this meet with your approval?" she asked with only the slightest hint of petulance, her feet firmly planted in the heels, hair casually twisted up in a chignon and clutch in hand.

"It'll do, pig," he grinned before receiving a hard whack with the clutch. He'd almost forgotten the impact those innocent little bags could harbour. "You look very nice," he spoke sincerely, causing her to blush furiously; after all, she couldn't help deny that made her feel _very nice_.

"Toss this, will you?" he instructed the sales associate while gesturing disdainfully at the balled up dress and scuffed shoes on the floor.

"Oh, no, you don't," she warned, grabbing the bundle before he could manage to get a hold of it. "Can you send it up to my room?" she asked, addressing the amendable sales associate while she settled the bill.

"You make such a lovely couple," she noted with a wink while Sookie could only stare in return disbelievingly, though somewhere she was glad she wasn't the only one mistaking him for a heterosexual.

"Thanks," she mumbled not really in the mood to describe the actual extent of their relations as she fisted the receipt into the impractical tiny clutch. She found her supposed other half impatiently waiting outside with a painted-on glare, and then she returned one of her own.

Stupid, handsome vampire! Correction; stupid handsome, _gay,_ vampire!

"So I guess you're pretty excited about your little girl getting married?" Sookie attempted at small talk while they waited on his car that wasn't arriving as fast as the impatient vampire would have liked.

"Hardly," he replied in the same clipped tone he had reverted to from the moment she had slipped into her new dress. There was also a severe lack of looking at her or even in her direction since. She supposed he was obviously agitated and eager to get to Jason's bachelor party, for whatever reason she wasn't quite sure.

Before she had the sense to ask, she was shoved into a sports car, and barely buckled in when his heavy foot was already on the gas pedal. Between loud shrieks and a few daring glances behind her hands, he weaved them through the heavy traffic uptown where Sookie was convinced every breath she took would surely be the last. "You fucking maniac!" she cried out when they came to an abrupt and rather hard stop in front of the sports bar. She scrambled out as soon as she was able with the help of the valet while still unsteady on her legs.

"Got you all hot and bothered did it?" he whispered into her ear and moved out of her direct circle of clutch attack in an instant.

"Asshole!" she cried out while hobbling after him and into the heavily populated bar.

"SOOOOOKIE!" her brother cried out, making no doubt about it he was beyond intoxicated. The smell of cheap beer surrounding her with his overly friendly embrace that lifted her off the ground. "SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKIE!"

"Jase, hun, you gotta let go," Sookie wheezed, her eyes growing wide at the prospect of the rest of his gang who had started to descend on them with embracing arms and she feared the breath would be permanently squeezed out of her. Their jumbled minds all zoomed in on her, promises of a stripper that hadn't turned up now projected at her like a red flag as the only whiff of oestrogen available in the bar. She braced herself, fuming at her situation. This was all Eric Northman's fault who had chosen that moment to conveniently disappear.

Too woozy to really react, she managed to get Jason to loosen his hold, but it didn't stop all his friends from coming in to greet her all at once, and even though she had known them all since they were kids, and even though their touches were as innocent as could be, the direct and simultaneous contact mixed with their whirring drunken minds was a telepath's personal hell.

"Stop!" she whispered with the most volume she could manage with tears pricking at her eyes, but the word was barely coherent as her shields faltered, already heavily worn down by the busy atmosphere of the city, the emotional day, and the night as she threatened to come apart till suddenly, there was relief.

Sweet relief in offer from the blank void that had forcefully whisked her out of the tangle of arms who started to punch wildly at the intruder and only managed to punch each other in the process. The commotion, however, was lost to Sookie as she suddenly found herself in the cold outside, shivering in the arms of the vampire who had been nothing but an ass all night, but now soothed her like a well-versed parent and bringing her to calm, his leather coat coming to surround her bare arms, a hand soothing down her back gently till she absorbed herself in the offered refuge.

This was new.

This, she had to admit, was nice.

Too bad he was gay.

* * *

 **A/N: This might be my favourite closing line to a chapter ever… laugh away in the comment section and all that other nice stuff ;)**

 **Thanks to msbuffy for always keeping the humour in check and the fabulous editing works.**


	4. Chapter 4 - Something Borrowed

" _SOOOOOKIE!" her brother cried out, making no doubt about it he was beyond intoxicated. The smell of cheap beer surrounding her with his overly friendly embrace that lifted her off the ground. "SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKIE!"_

" _Jase, hun, you gotta let go," Sookie wheezed, her eyes growing wide at the prospect of the rest of his gang who had started to descend on them with embracing arms and she feared the breath would be permanently squeezed out of her. Their jumbled minds all zoomed in on her, promises of a stripper that hadn't turned up now projected at her like a red flag as the only whiff of oestrogen available in the bar. She braced herself, fuming at her situation. This was all Eric Northman's fault who had chosen that moment to conveniently disappear._

 _Too woozy to really react, she managed to get Jason to loosen his hold, but it didn't stop all his friends from coming in to greet her all at once, and even though she had known them all since they were kids, and even though their touches were as innocent as could be, the direct and simultaneous contact mixed with their whirring drunken minds was a telepath's personal hell._

" _Stop!" she whispered with the most volume she could manage with tears pricking at her eyes, but the word was barely coherent as her shields faltered, already heavily worn down by the busy atmosphere of the city, the emotional day, and the night as she threatened to come apart till suddenly, there was relief._

 _Sweet relief in offer from the blank void that had forcefully whisked her out of the tangle of arms who started to punch wildly at the intruder and only managed to punch each other in the process. The commotion, however, was lost to Sookie as she suddenly found herself in the cold outside, shivering in the arms of the vampire who had been nothing but an ass all night, but now soothed her like a well-versed parent and bringing her to calm, his leather coat coming to surround her bare arms, a hand soothing down her back gently till she absorbed herself in the offered refuge._

 _This was new._

 _This, she had to admit, was nice._

 _Too bad he was gay._

 **Chapter 3 - Something Borrowed**

"GET YER HANDS OFF MA SISTER!" Jason cried out with sudden sobriety while he tumbled out the bar followed by the rest of his buddies that were now being booted out by the security staff for their fight against the invisible enemy that had abducted Sookie.

Eric simply growled at his future son-in-law, admitting, begrudgingly, that at least he had decent instincts when it came to the women in his life. He soon proved himself as foolish as assumed when he attempted to attack the vampire and grasp at Sookie to release her from his arms, his merry band of drunken fools quick to follow behind.

"No, no, no," Sookie pleaded as soon as her brother latched onto her and threatened to undo all the repairs she just managed to her shields.

"Let her go, asshole!"

"Jason," she tried to convey as coherently as possible. "Don't. Touch. Me."

"Sook, you ok?" he whispered, his hands immediately up in the air in a sign of surrender, everyone coming to a sense of calm as the last few boys managed to comprehend they were beating up each other again, and concern fell over the state of Sookie.

"Too much," she spoke lowly, curling further into Eric who cautiously held her closer.

Jason sensibly kept his distance and finally hesitated to ask, "Sis, who is that man?"

She looked up from the comfort of his embrace, "Meet your future father-in-law."

"Oh, hey, man," Jason replied, only managing the required curt nod with the help of Sookie's widened eyes when it appeared he would stretch out his hand. "Nice to meet you and all that."

"Likewise," Eric replied with little interest, internally supremely satisfied that the other Stackhouse harboured the right amount of fear for him.

With a delay, Hoyt stumbled out last with an assortment of jackets, breathing heavily into the cold air. Carefully, he held out Sookie's thin jacket which she managed to accept with a small smile and a word of thanks while the rest of the boys stood there awkwardly, unsure of where to go from here. A hushed argument emerged as some suggested returning to the hotel while others insisted they live up the night as intended.

"This is your town," Sookie whispered into the hard chest that had kept her sane for a good few minutes now. "Where should we go?"

The malevolent glint in Eric's eyes should have worried her, the same went for the ease at which he declared he knew exactly where to go, providing the party limo at their disposal with detailed instructions while they waited for Eric's car to arrive. It was the same instinct that had told her to take the limo with her brother and her friends, but she discovered that night that she would literally sell her soul to the Nordic devil for the silence he provided her addled mind, which included suffering through his challenging driving style before pulling up in front of the darkened gentlemen's club. It was only perceptible by a discreet awning and almost illegible lettering of black on black that promised a den of sin, and it reminded her exactly why she hated him. In no way was Jason going to stay out of trouble _here!_

To his great delight, her eyes narrowed at him and he didn't even bother to look apologetic. As at every establishment that night, staff was on hand in an instant to whisk her out of the low to the ground sports car, each and every time thanking her graces for all the decorum classes drilled into her that allowed her to step out with some sort of decency, not that there would be any of that available tonight.

As soon as they entered, she found Hoyt poised at the bar with an apologetic tumbler of Gin and Tonic ready and waiting, and Jason… well, Jason was being Jason by utilising the brief minutes they had gained by getting there ahead of them and had surrounded himself with a harem of strippers.

"Isn't that sweet," Eric mocked when she smiled appreciatively at Hoyt.

"Stop being such an ass," she hissed before graciously thanking the man holding her beloved drink.

"Don't worry, Sook," the boy in question offered. "We're keeping an eye on him, you don't have to be here."

"No, I do," she sighed while simultaneously giving one of the amorous women a harsh glare to halt the attempt of luring him to a private room. "Case in point."

"Shit," Hoyt cursed uncharacteristically before hobbling towards the woman to steer her away permanently.

"Uncomfortable?" Eric posed innocently as they settled themselves in an inconspicuous booth. She didn't like that it was set in the shadows, the habitat of those with eager hands in need of some covert settings, but at least it stopped the rest of the clientele leering her way. Not even a display of Eric's fangs had seemed that deterrent.

"Hardly," she snorted. "At least it's honest."

"How is that?" he asked with genuine curiosity while continuing to eye his future son-in-law with the eyes of the trained predator he was, simply waiting for him to trip up and put an end to this charade.

"Sex is always on somebody's brain. This is mild compared to your average fantasy in an average moment in an average person."

"Ah, yes," he commented with little interest. "The telepathy. Sounds more special than it is."

"Excuse me!" she balked, her glass coming down on the table harshly with the insult. Her lifetime struggle with her telepathy was burden enough, it became grating when everyone declared it useful, or worse, a gift, but ' _more special than it is!'_

"Vampire," he shrugged. "A hint of glamour gets me far more precise information than you ever could. Your talent is based on opportune moments making it more useless than useful for the most part. As for the human population, it's not that hard to guess what's occupying their silly little thoughts. I'd hire you as an interrogator, maybe."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," she scowled, her arms coming to defensively rest against her chest and remaining pointedly silent.

"Is he always this…?" Eric questioned in his continued observation of the future permanent thorn in his side.

"What?"

"Charming," he spoke with a palpable distaste.

She grinned, for the first time in her life rather proud of that quality in her brother. "Yeah," she smiled smugly. "He'll be the one collecting little notes with numbers on them tonight without even asking for them."

"I doubt he'll win over Pam that easily."

"Why?" she demanded with a slight hiss to her voice, the relative darkness they had sat themselves in naturally required they spoke in whispers. "Is she as judgemental as her Maker?"

His eyes narrowed, the strong features of his face becoming all the more menacing with the absence of light. "Who says I'm judgemental?"

"Me," she quipped back. "You're determined to prove my brother is all kinds of wrong."

"Is that so?" he questioned with a teasing lilt. "Think you have me all figured out, do you?" She simply huffed in annoyance, becoming far too tired to continue this argument all night.

"You're not that hard to read, telepathy or not," she muttered. "Pam's your weakness and Niall used that to his great advantage. You gave up far more than you were willing to give."

"I like to think I gained an important asset tonight," he spoke evenly, leaving her slightly clueless to what he meant with that when he completely ridiculed her telepathy moments earlier. Maybe he wasn't that easy to read after all.

"Listen," she spoke softly when the silence that had fallen between began to border on uncomfortable. "We're going to be family, by the sounds of it Pam is as determined about this as Jason, so we should try to get along."

He studied her carefully, "You don't approve of this either?"

"Of course not!" she exclaimed while pointing in the direction of her brother. "Does he look like someone ready to get married? Shit! Where did he go?"

She bolted out of the booth, frantically searching for him with her mind and moving with haste in the direction of the private rooms, Eric hot on her heels.

"I may have underestimated the use of that telepathy," he admitted when he observed how efficiently she moved towards her target when all he could scent was a vague trace of him through the myriad of others.

"Don't you forget it!" she retorted when she shoved open the door only to find Jason and Hoyt passed out with a basket of chicken wings on their bellies and a football game playing at a loud volume. "Good old Hoyt," she whispered with a small smile while turning down the sound and nudging Eric out again.

"You and the best man an item?" he questioned when she softly closed the door on them.

"God, no," she giggled. "He's sweet."

"Ah," he grinned, seating himself across from the closed door. "The kiss of death to men everywhere."

"You would know," she countered with a roll of her eyes before collapsing beside him and letting her head rest on his shoulder while stifling a yawn.

He growled with the assumption she had just labelled him 'sweet' rather than her presumption that considering his masculine inclination he undoubtedly shared her view on the appeal of a sweet man. _Whisking her out of the grasp of the filthy sweaty drunks did_ _ **not**_ _make him sweet!_ Instead of reacting to the feral noise, it appeared she had followed her brother's example and dozed off, and rather than brusquely wake her up demanding why she had called him sweet, he gently shoved her off him, regretting the decision instantly with the loss of borrowed warmth that she radiated. That was all it was he assured himself, _warmth._

oOoOoOo

Eric sat idly refusing offer upon offer of beckoning strippers as they passed him and the sleeping Sookie in the hallway while continuing to guard the door. He didn't want to think too much as to why he continued to sit there dutifully when he had sent them all to this place for just such an opportunity. He could easily direct the eager women into the private room for a pleasant wake up call, from the looks of it they wouldn't even require any payment of sorts, and he would prove Jason Stackhouse would be the adulterous type he assumed him to be. Not that fidelity mattered one bit to Pam, but it did in all contracts of the Supernatural, especially to the Fae who mated like swans once they were bound, archaic as they may be it provided a guarantee of loyalty to an alliance that was difficult to consolidate otherwise.

"Hey," Sookie whispered, interrupting his thoughts. "What time is it?"

"Late," he shrugged.

She scowled at him, she never was at her best when just awake after all, before glancing at her phone. "Help me get them in the limo?" she requested with a fluttering of her heavy lashes.

"Do it yourself," he replied, rather tired of being her lackey for the night, _and_ more gratingly, complying with little thought up to now. "Or better yet, ask Hoyt," he goaded before emphasising, "he's _sweet."_

"At least I'm trying to be nice," she hissed and then got up with a huff.

"If this is you trying," he scoffed while automatically following her indignant steps at close distance. "Then-"

"Then, what?" she demanded hotly with a sudden spin on her heels, staring him down with eyes that could scorch him from the inside out. "Just say it!" She poked his chest, invading his personal space for good measure, breathing heavily.

"Then I don't want to know you when you're actually nice," he spoke coolly, his head lowering intimidatingly close to hers, faces at millimetres apart.

"I hate you!" she cried out, but her cry of indignance was cut off with a strong hand that wrapped around her neck and shoved her lips into his. Her legs almost buckled under the sudden assault, and she couldn't help but whimper with confusion till she found herself returning the kiss. She always did wonder if a gay man would kiss differently.

"Ditto," he replied when he released her. As if nothing had happened between them, he turned his back on her, walked down the dimly lit hall with the illest ease, his presence only truly noticeable by the interruption of the pattern of downlighters as he passed under each one, momentarily stealing their light.

"Fucking asshole."

* * *

 **A/N: Much thanks to msbuffy as always for sharing the laughter with me on this way ahead of everybody else ;)**

 **...and the moral of the story is; never make a deal with the 'sweet' Nordic Devil... who are we kidding? That soul is going out at a heavily discounted price! Hope you enjoyed this one, thoughts welcome along with gasps, cries and other indignant noises as to where this is headed next** **, there may or may not be a hint in the chapter titles...**


	5. Chapter 5 - Something Blue

_Eric sat idly refusing offer upon offer of beckoning strippers as they passed him and the sleeping Sookie in the hallway while continuing to guard the door. He didn't want to think too much as to why he continued to sit there dutifully when he had sent them all to this place for just such an opportunity. He could easily direct the eager women into the private room for a pleasant wake up call, from the looks of it they wouldn't even require any payment of sorts, and he would prove Jason Stackhouse would be the adulterous type he assumed him to be. Not that fidelity mattered one bit to Pam, but it did in all contracts of the Supernatural, especially to the Fae who mated like swans once they were bound, archaic as they may be it provided a guarantee of loyalty to an alliance that was difficult to consolidate otherwise._

" _Hey," Sookie whispered, interrupting his thoughts. "What time is it?"_

" _Late," he shrugged._

 _She scowled at him, she never was at her best when just awake after all, before glancing at her phone. "Help me get them in the limo?" she requested with a fluttering of her heavy lashes._

" _Do it yourself," he replied, rather tired of being her lackey for the night,_ _and_ _more gratingly, complying with little thought up to now. "Or better yet, ask Hoyt," he goaded before emphasising, "he's_ _sweet."_

" _At least I'm trying to be nice," she hissed and then got up with a huff._

" _If this is you trying," he scoffed while automatically following her indignant steps at close distance. "Then-"_

" _Then, what?" she demanded hotly with a sudden spin on her heels, staring him down with eyes that could scorch him from the inside out. "Just say it!" She poked his chest, invading his personal space for good measure, breathing heavily._

" _Then I don't want to know you when you're actually nice," he spoke coolly, his head lowering intimidatingly close to hers, faces at millimetres apart._

" _I hate you!" she cried out, but her cry of indignance was cut off with a strong hand that wrapped around her neck and shoved her lips into his. Her legs almost buckled under the sudden assault, and she couldn't help but whimper with confusion till she found herself returning the kiss. She always did wonder if a gay man would kiss differently._

" _Ditto," he replied when he released her. As if nothing had happened between them, he turned his back on her, walked down the dimly lit hall with the illest ease, his presence only truly noticeable by the interruption of the pattern of downlighters as he passed under each one, momentarily stealing their light._

" _Fucking asshole."_

 **Chapter 4 - Something Blue**

His arm obscured his face from view while the white sheet covered the bare minimum of his bottom half. It made him look every bit the fallen angel with a halo of perfectly tousled blonde hair that surrounded him on the plush pillow. Despite the alluring imagery before her, Sookie knew better; she was in fact admiring the devil in disguise, only he would choose the prominent figurine of an Adonis.

"Wake up!" she demanded with a good shove to the obstructing arm while straddling his chest.

"You!" he fumed, a hint of foam detectable at the mouth.

"Yes, me," she retorted unapologetically, poking his perfectly bare chest for good measure. "I need a favour."

"Waking me from my beauty sleep seemed the way to go?"

"It's not like you need it," she snorted from her perched position atop him.

"True," he grinned with a grating smugness, and it really was only on account of the favour that she didn't proceed to assault him a second time. "How did you get in here?"

"Faeries," she answered as if he were especially dim, "pop."

"Yes," he replied with a tiny scowl. "Still, it is considered rude to simply 'pop' into one's private space."

Sookie rolled her eyes before moving off his chest, as if _she_ didn't know that! "I'm done with being proper, polite, and demure."

"How about being a prude?" he questioned with an accusatory arch to his brow that bought little of her newfoundconvictions and before she could answer, he tested the theory by simply removing the sheet that covered his lower half.

"Oh gross!" she shrieked, using her hands to cover her eyes even though she couldn't help but peek through the web of her fingers. "Why is that up?!"

"It's morning," he shrugged. "There was a warm body on top of me."

"I'm your cousin!"

"So?"

"Argh! Never mind! I don't want to know," she shrieked. "I need you to seduce Eric Northman so he'll stop pestering me."

"I would do this why?" Claude asked from his new position at the mirror, examining each and every invisible pore and testing the theory that he, in fact, had no necessity for beauty sleeps.

"Because you're my cousin!" she cried out in exasperation.

"He better be good looking."

"That's part of the problem," she mumbled to herself, but Claude couldn't help but laugh incessantly. Of course, he _knew_ Eric Northman was very good looking and he also _knew_ there wasn't a gay thing about one Eric Northman except that it was a great injustice that he wasn't. It was, however, rather fun to see his prim and proper cousin unravel in her interaction with the walking and talking Nordic sex god.

"It's not funny!"

"Oh, but it is, dear cousin. Now tell Uncle Claude what did the mean vampire do to you."

"One, you're not my uncle, two, he kissed me! Three, why is that still up?"

"You're so stimulating," he leered, making her deeply uncomfortable and all the more convinced that Claude and Eric were made for each other. Which was a good thing, _right?_ That pit in her stomach thing was relief, _right_?

"Sookie!"

"Huh," she answered rather dumbly, even by her own admittance, before requesting Claude repeat what he had said previously.

"I said, if you wish to see how this thing goes down," he explained with a demonstrative flourish of the erect and rather proud member that had continued to offend her throughout the entire conversation, "you better 'pop' yourself elsewhere."

"Right," she whispered with reddened cheeks. "So you'll do it?"

"Masturbate? I thought that part was clear."

"No!" she cried out, mortified and wondering which shade of red was left to colour her further. "I meant seduce that pesky vampire."

"Sure," he shrugged before that calculated look that faeries knew to wear so impeccably well appeared while she prepared to pop away. "It'll cost you of course," he grinned. "Dearly."

oOoOoOo

Sookie was deadly tired, so deadly tired she had to chuckle at that terrible pun causing the sales assistant to look at her curiously. Not that _that_ bothered her at this point in life, most people thought she was insane anyhow, so she figured she may as well embrace it, which meant rather than bucking up and facing the possibility of whether or not her Gran had slept in their room that night. She had avoided the vicinity of her room at all costs, forced to endure Jason and his many groomsmen's terrible jokes till they passed out in various rooms on and over pieces of furniture of the sumptuous suite and rather than doing the same, she was shopping in boutiques she'd never venture in otherwise.

She needed something _not_ red. Definitely not red, _blue_ , blue was good.

It had annoyed her greatly how she felt when she had first slipped into that red dress. More frustrating was how appreciative Eric had seemed of it, using it as another intricate ploy to mess with her mind. The garment felt sullied now and she finally came to understand the morning walk of shame, though hers was an entirely different type of shame. God, how she hated him for this.

With little regard for the price attached to the garment, she handed over the emergency credit card Niall had once given her, wrapping the red dress neatly into the bag provided by the overly eager sales assistant who recognised a weary customer with cash to spare in seconds and continued to push more product her way. Somewhere her polite and courteous nature resurfaced and she managed to pull herself together with no further damage to the credit card. Once outside, she stood still by a garbage can to rid herself of the memories of last night by discarding the red dress, but in the end couldn't find it in herself to do it. She steeled herself, finding some of that last confidence with the knowledge that Eric Northman would soon be singing a different tune when he was eventually caught out by her. She'd play the game for his sake, but she'd definitely win.

oOoOoOo

Eric should have fucked and drained every stripper the previous night, instead he had skulked off with his tail between his legs like a fucking puppy because of that pesky little faerie. The worst part was that she didn't seem to be going away and when she was out of his physical space, she continued to occupy his mind. Niall had seen to that, what the old faerie's next scheme was remained unsure, but undoubtedly there was one and surely it spelled out more madness and destruction from the royal faery family, and inevitably with all things concerning Pam, he'd end up paying the bill.

Well, at least the penthouse that was to be handed over to the Brigants as part of the dowry looked better after his early morning 'redecorating'. Eric was childishly pleased with the state of the penthouse in its total disarray. A simple exchange of the words 'I do' later that night and the Brigants would be in possession of one giant mess, satisfyingly _their_ giant mess. He could hardly wait for that pesky co-op board to take them to task. Served them right, the fucking faeries, especially that Sookie and her shiny blonde hair, not to mention the tits. He loathed her tits, they made it impossible to appreciate any others, despite the fact they were literally offered up bare and willing to him last night. He fucking liked tits!

Eric was happy there wasn't a mirror left to smash because then he might actually have to face his own reflection and see the pathetic excuse of a vampire he'd become from the moment he planted his lips on Miss Tits' in that little red dress. Fuck, it was glorious! _Gloriously wrong that is._ It really was all her fault, especially those tits.

oOoOoOo

"What are you doing here?" Eric demanded when he found Tits, _eh Sookie_ , slumped over on a bar stool in the hotel bar.

"Stupid vampire," she mumbled back while wiping away at the drool that had started to pool at the corner of her mouth. "Stupid kissy vampire. Go away!"

He growled in warning, not at all pleased by leaving her, considering the hovering Breathers that seemed to have been encroaching in on her until he had firmly displayed his flag of fangs, scaring them off. Till he left that is.

"Sookie!"

"Leave me alone," she whined, which he ignored in favour of picking up her tired and slightly inebriated body before slinging her over his shoulder.

"The wedding is in an hour," he gruffed. " _You_ will NOT be the one to rain on my Pam's parade. What room are you in?"

"NO! Not my room! I don't want to go to my room," she whined while trying to squirm out of his hold as they crossed the expansive lobby. "I know! Take me to Claude."

"Who the fuck is Claude?" he growled out, displeased with the thought of any 'Claude' in relation to Sookie instantly. _Not that he cared in the least._

"You'll like him," she cooed, finally able to escape his grasp over his shoulder and shimmying her body over his hard chest in the process, her feet feeling foreign to her as they finally touched the floor of the elevator, forcing her into that comfortable embrace again.

 _Does he have tits?_

"What?"

He swallowed audibly, not willing to let on that he had just expressed that particular thought out loud. "Nothing," he mumbled before impatiently sweeping her off her feet again, bridal style, on account of the interfering tits that turned his brain to mush with every simmer of contact.

"You'd be surprised how many men are attracted to men with tits," she mused nonsensically to the ceiling before adding, "women too."

"I have no interest in contradicting body parts," he replied coolly.

"Not judging," she smiled up mischievously. "We like what we like."

"I like tits."

"Well, Claude doesn't have any," she answered with a small pout. "Although he's good with the magicks, I'm sure he can conjure up some for a special night."

"Intriguing," he replied sardonically, but it had decidedly gone unnoticed by her as she was already eagerly knocking on Claude's door with wild abandon, her previous fatigue suddenly gone.

"Who might you be?" Claude purred while leaning into the doorframe.

"Claude, Eric," Sookie introduced with a huge grin where Claude was sporting a knowing one, which usually boded well. "Eric, Claude."

The formal nod was exchanged between the two Supernaturals and Sookie couldn't help but huff at the ridiculous display. _This being drunk thing was quite liberating after all._

"Make her not drunk," Eric demanded, shoving Sookie in his direction.

Claude shrugged momentarily while backing into the room. "Your mess, you clean it. Bathroom's over there."

Eric wanted to curse out that this mess was Sookie's own making, but there were only so many minutes in an hour, and Pam would have his head if any blemish were to ruin her perfect wedding. Annoyed, he stepped in while Claude continued to overtly ogle him from every angle. "Just toss her in the tub and if _you_ need anything cleaning," he leered with a hint of tongue. "I'll be _happy_ to help."

A warning growl was emitted before he unceremoniously let Sookie fall into the tub with a curse word or two as a torrential rain of cold water submerged along with the cries of protest while his firm hand held her in place, face spluttering against the liquid onslaught. He had to grin at that, for an extended period of time, until his natural enemies came to the surface again, pointy and hard. _Fucking tits._

"I need something from Claude," he offered as a poor excuse not to further drool over said enemies that were presenting themselves through the thin fabric of her dress, not to mention the jiggling movements they were making due to her body's fight against his hold. The door was shut on her with little aplomb, and despite the extreme cold that had reduced her to shivers, she wore the biggest grin since the news of her brother's nuptials.

"Like candy from a baby," Sookie whispered out at her mirror's image while towelling off the cold water. She carefully peeked into the room and saw all was going to plan as Claude was on his path of seduction from which no living man, straight or not, could ever veer. A snigger and a 'pop' later she was back in her room, relieved to find her Gran there before she set to get ready for the night ahead. After a brief and decidedly warm shower, she slipped into something red. It had nothing to do with the fact that blue dress was the same shade as a certain Viking vampire's eyes. _Nothing whatsoever_.

* * *

 **A/N: Well I can't say for certain Eric's balls aren't blue the probability is high… more shenanigans next time starring Tits and that gay guy. So did we like Claude?**

 **Much thanks to msbuffy, beta extraordinaire and so much more :D**


	6. Chapter 6 - A Sixpence in Your Shoe

" _Make her not drunk," Eric demanded, shoving Sookie in his direction._

 _Claude shrugged momentarily while backing into the room. "Your mess, you clean it. Bathroom's over there."_

 _Eric wanted to curse out that this mess was Sookie's own making, but there were only so many minutes in an hour, and Pam would have his head if any blemish were to ruin her perfect wedding. Annoyed, he stepped in while Claude continued to overtly ogle him from every angle. "Just toss her in the tub and if you need anything cleaning," he leered with a hint of tongue. "I'll be happy to help."_

 _A warning growl was emitted before he unceremoniously let Sookie fall into the tub with a curse word or two as a torrential rain of cold water submerged along with the cries of protest while his firm hand held her in place, face spluttering against the liquid onslaught. He had to grin at that, for an extended period of time, until his natural enemies came to the surface again, pointy and hard. Fucking tits._

" _I need something from Claude," he offered as a poor excuse not to further drool over said enemies that were presenting themselves through the thin fabric of her dress, not to mention the jiggling movements they were making due to her body's fight against his hold. The door was shut on her with little aplomb, and despite the extreme cold that had reduced her to shivers, she wore the biggest grin since the news of her brother's nuptials._

" _Like candy from a baby," Sookie whispered out at her mirror's image while towelling off the cold water. She carefully peeked into the room and saw all was going to plan as Claude was on his path of seduction from which no living man, straight or not, could ever veer. A snigger and a 'pop' later she was back in her room, relieved to find her Gran there before she set to get ready for the night ahead. After a brief and decidedly warm shower, she slipped into something red. It had nothing to do with the fact that blue dress was the same shade as a certain Viking vampire's eyes. Nothing whatsoever._

 _Take that, Eric Northman!_

 **Chapter 5 - A Sixpence in Your Shoe**

"Pamela," Eric sighed. It was a very deep sigh since, as ever, it was exceptionally hard to stay mad at her when she was in front of him. This was one of the main reasons he had taken so quickly to the invention of the telephone. He had liked the Internet even better, emails were the best way to reprimand Pam and revoke her spending abilities with the single click of a button.

"Yes, Maker mine?" Eyelashes batted, disturbing his intentions at yelling at her once more for the crazy series of circumstances in which he found himself, indulging in weird faery flirtations with that giant ass of a Claude to erase the memory of a very wet Sookie in the bathroom mere steps away. Eric had to admit, it had been extremely effective at shrinking that pesky erection to something all the more manageable. He was, however, beginning to hate those tits with a passion he didn't know he previously possessed, and he was a _fucking_ passionate vampire.

He finally settled on, "You look beautiful."

Admittedly she did look beautiful, despite the ridiculous get up and cathedral veil that shrouded her, although that had never been news to Eric. It was part of her initial lure, but her independent spirit and disregard for society and its conventions had been what consolidated that she would become his Childe. She suited him as an eternal companion, unshrouded by romantic notions, and was simply a great addition to his pride.

Her preening face fell as she came to sense his hesitation and contemplative inner turmoil. "If you don't approve, I'll…"

He shook his head, stilling her movement away from him, "Pamela, is _this_ what you want?"

She was silent for a while before she managed to reach his eyes again and speak earnestly, "It was supposed to be a bit of fun, but I kind of _do_ want this."

Eric couldn't help but chuckle at her embarrassment over that confession before taking her in his arms and kissing the top of her head, "Than I want it for you, too. You could do worse than a Brigant."

"You mean it?" she whispered ever so softly.

"Of course. Here," he said while placing a small medallion in her hand.

"What is it?" she gushed while examining the new trinket and with that, Eric knew Pam would indeed be in good hands, Jason was shiny and new, and Pam lived for that next moment in time for the excitement to begin. He was old news to her now and somehow that was okay.

"A sixpence for your shoe. Or if you'd rather monetise it a lot of shoes," he said knowingly. "It belonged to a Royal I once ate, made me think of you."

"That's," she stuttered, her face stuck in one of question, "so… sweet?" Suddenly tears were pricking at the corner of her eyes. With horror, she yelled, "Eric I'm leaking!"

He shook his head admonishingly before dabbing away at the blood stains before they could ruin the carefully applied face of make-up. "You still look beautiful, even if you cry."

"I don't cry," she huffed petulantly to which he could only answer with poorly contained laughter. Quick to change the subject, she made him the subject of interrogation, "You still haven't answered what's been eating away at you."

"Tits."

"Tits? Do tell," she grinned while positioning her veil just right.

"Faery tits," he groaned before reclining on the chaise longue with an exasperation that ill fitted the otherwise magnanimous Viking vampire.

Pam purred with delight while she eyed her Maker more carefully, "You've fallen under Faery Tits' spell, haven't you?" she cackled, "Should I toss my bouquet in her direction?"

"Fuck, no!" he growled, suddenly standing perfectly erect in front of her, "I fucking hate her!" Had his blood still retained the ability to boil, Pam was certain he would have burst right then and there.

"Keep telling yourself that," she _tittered_ while straightening his bow tie and brushing her hands over the lapels of his suit while falling to that characteristic bored tone, "You can walk me down the aisle now."

oOoOoOo

"We have a problem," Sookie nervously informed, wiggling back and forth on the balls of her feet as she did so. The very tall Viking vampire did not look pleased, nor did his meticulously wrapped-up Childe. The only one who seemed to take it well was Godric, perhaps a little too well. The small vampire had yet to make the beatific smile on his face disappear since she met him. Which was nice and all, except that it stood in direct correlation to her Gran and those were thoughts she didn't ever want to resume contemplating since they had been spending a LOT of time together and were sitting far too close for her liking when she arrived at the wedding venue. There had been _touching,_ and consequently there had been bile rising from the pit of her stomach that was already raw from her interactions with the tall menace in front of her.

"What kind of problem?" Eric demanded in a low tone that was accompanied by the impatient glare of Pam from the extravagant vintage and pink Rolls Royce.

"Wecan'tfindJason," she mumbled almost incoherently.

"You will fix this now!" Eric demanded, his Maker only interceding in time to pull the poor messenger, Sookie, from the ground by the flimsy straps of her dress. The warning glare from Godric was accompanied by a pointed look towards the reality show cameras that were documenting their every move. Quickly he asserted himself, bringing his rage to some modicum of calm. He cleared his throat before offering genteelly, "Let me help you find him."

She nearly laughed out loud with how _insincere_ his sincerity was. "How you made it to a thousand with those acting skills is beyond me," she taunted with a shake of her head, causing Godric immense pleasure in seeing his progeny taken down a notch by the feisty faery. "You will stay with her," Eric implored his Maker with a gesture towards Pam, while desperately ignoring the laughter at his expense and with the affirming nod, he whisked Sookie off her feet with incredible speed to leave the intrusive camera crew behind.

"How can he just disappear?" Eric demanded while she found her balance after the sudden gust of induced vertigo.

"He just did, OK?!" she yelled, "And until you swooped me away I was working on it!"

Eric scoffed audibly while her arms came up to cross over her heaving chest. "It was that camera crew and their producer," she pointed out. "I was _listening_."

"Explain."

"Hoyt told me he had to do a quick interview and the producer started working on Jason's insecurities," she explained, muttering along, "It's a miracle he has any, but they kept pointing out how wrong it could all be and it worked. They offered to take him somewhere else, being a runaway groom makes for better television."

"Where did they take him?"

"I was about to find out, and then you brought me here!"

"We'll just have to glamour it out of them," he shrugged. "That telepathy of yours really is useless."

"You wouldn't even know where to start without that kernel of information," she argued with a hint of superiority.

"Point," he conceded begrudgingly. "Let's go."

"Get your hands of me!" she screamed when he prepared to take her in his arms again to fly them back to the camera crew.

"Fine," he ground out when the heaving of her chest had stopped mesmerising him, spurting him into action again. "I don't need you anyway."

"Fucking asshole!" she screamed after the trace of him in the wind.

oOoOoOo

"Fucking asshole!" he bellowed out while seamlessly removing the door from its hinges with one well-placed thrust. His nostrils flared, the smell of Jason Stackhouse was all over the room along with the putrid smell of fear and nerves. However, instead of finding the little weasel sweating as expected, the faint hint of his sister was discernible. Eric had never seen Sookie's handwriting, but one glance at the note and he knew it could only be hers. Although he wouldn't put it past Jason to own such loopy handwriting either, the message though was clearly hers.

 _We'll save you some cake…_

He briefly contemplated a scenario of stuffing that monstrosity, _because, well, Pam,_ of a cake down her throat till she choked on it. Of course, a heaving chest managed to distract him in that scenario too…

"Eric, I have not seen you this distracted since long ago."

He looked down with a startle, the gentle voice of his Maker pulling him from his reverie.

"Pam is impatient as ever," he offered in explanation. "We are all waiting on the Father of the Bride."

Eric eyed him warily with the sound of that particular title, but gave a curt nod before speeding after him.

Of course, _she_ stood there, waiting for him at the top of the stone staircase, tapping her foot impatiently, arms crossed, and pushing up _those_ tits as he eased his speed. "Didn't need me, huh?" she gloated. "How useless would you say that telepathy is now?"

Watching the cool standoff between the two, Godric, the eternal peacemaker, quickly rested a calming hand on each, assuring, "You have proved quite capable, my dear, but Eric must be getting to Pam as I am sure you must be seeing to your Jason."

Her nose wrinkled slightly in irritation for not being awarded her victory from the smug vampire, and instead having to adhere to her better graces in front of Godric. No doubt her Gran would be scolding her over this. As it all transpired over the features of her face, Eric couldn't help but grin smugly before she caved and made a polite sentence of agreement, muttering something about a real 'Daddy's Boy' as she stomped off in a huff.

"I approve," Godric grinned with a pat to Eric's shoulder, the steps in the staircase allowing him to even out the difference in their heights for once. "It seems it's not just Pam who has found her match."

He balked, looking at his Maker with utter horror, "I want nothing to do with her. Ever. Again."

Godric eyed him sceptically, knowing his Childe probably far better than himself, so the confession Eric muttered gave him little surprise, "I may want something to do with her tits."

"Keep telling yourself that," he chuckled. "Adele is already busy planning the next nuptials."

"I am glad we amuse you so," Eric replied sarcastically, soon to be interrupted by Pam.

"I'm glad you took your merry little time," Pam grit out acerbically.

"Tut," Godric said with a shake of his head. "You always enjoy being, what do you call it, 'Fashionably Late'?"

"True," she grinned with a feral smile. "Though that's usually by my choosing."

"You are going to enjoy being married very much," Godric smiled before placing a soft kiss to her forehead. "It'll all be your choosing from here on out."

" _If_ the Stackhouse boy has enough sense, which is disputable," Eric mumbled under his breath that didn't escape his Maker's attention or reprimanding glare. An apology, half-hearted of course, was uttered while he set to move Pam's veil in place, shrouding her partially from view. He was about to commend her as his personal pride and joy once more, their bond flooding with the emotion that was otherwise so tightly held.

"Tissue!" she screamed and bridesmaid number five was quick to divert the leak.

Pam took a large breath, the likes of which she couldn't ever remember taking, cautiously looking up at the reassuring eyes of her Maker before the doors would open and she would see the man she was to marry for the first time. Sensing her need for reassurance, Eric offered her the best advice he could give, "Go knock 'em dead."

* * *

 **A/N: I hope you liked, I always enjoy reading the comments on this** _ **cough,**_ **hint, hint,** _ **cough.**_ **So the question is now, who will come out on top next time… or is it bottom?**

 **Much thanks to msbuffy as ever!**


	7. Chapter 7 - Going to the Chapel

" _I approve," Godric grinned with a pat to Eric's shoulder, the steps in the staircase allowing him to even out the difference in their heights for once. "It seems it's not just Pam who has found her match."_

 _He balked, looking at his Maker with utter horror, "I want nothing to do with her. Ever. Again."_

 _Godric eyed him sceptically, knowing his Childe probably far better than himself, so the confession Eric muttered gave him little surprise, "I may want something to do with her tits."_

" _Keep telling yourself that," he chuckled. "Adele is already busy planning the next nuptials."_

" _I am glad we amuse you so," Eric replied sarcastically, soon to be interrupted by Pam._

" _I'm glad you took your merry little time," Pam grit out acerbically._

" _Tut," Godric said with a shake of his head. "You always enjoy being, what do you call it, 'Fashionably Late'?"_

" _True," she grinned with a feral smile. "Though that's usually by my choosing."_

" _You are going to enjoy being married very much," Godric smiled before placing a soft kiss to her forehead. "It'll all be your choosing from here on out."_

" _If the Stackhouse boy has enough sense, which is disputable," Eric mumbled under his breath that didn't escape his Maker's attention or reprimanding glare. An apology, half-hearted of course, was uttered while he set to move Pam's veil in place, shrouding her partially from view. He was about to commend her as his personal pride and joy once more, their bond flooding with the emotion that was otherwise so tightly held._

" _Tissue!" she screamed and bridesmaid number five was quick to divert the leak._

 _Pam took a large breath, the likes of which she couldn't ever remember taking, cautiously looking up at the reassuring eyes of her Maker before the doors would open and she would see the man she was to marry for the first time. Sensing her need for reassurance, Eric offered her the best advice he could give, "Go knock 'em dead."_

 **Chapter 6 - Going to the Chapel**

"Well, hello there, pretty lady!"

Pam eyed him with severe scrutiny, ' _not bad_ ,' she mused. He needed some work here and there, but then what straight male didn't? A rare smile appeared in reciprocation, growing to a full-out satisfied grin while she observed the blood rush through his body, bulging the veins in anticipation. By the scent alone, _this_ was, without a doubt, going to be the most delicious meal of her life.

"Husband?"

Meal, _husband_. Potato, _potatoh_.

"Gonna have to answer the man, Sweetcheeks," her meal urged.

Her fangs snicked down, accompanied by a breathy moan, and to her immense satisfaction it only set to rush Jason's blood with increased speed. Oh, he was going to taste _so_ sweet. Meanwhile the priest nervously pulled at the tight clerical collar before Pam's penetrating glare landed on him again.

"I'll take that as a yes," the priest stuttered, fumbling with the book before him. "You may now kiss the bride."

Jason didn't need to be told twice before his tongue was firmly down the vampiress' throat. She was happy to note that he wouldn't need much coaxing in that department. On top of that, those lips, carefully conditioned by Chapstick, could pass for a woman's with a good squint of her eyes.

"Ahem," the spoilsport she had come to know as Sookie coughed, subtlety having long lost its uses with the newlyweds.

"Pamela!" Eric hissed while they continued to ignore the interruption and it appeared clothes were about to be shredded off heating bodies. "Detach, now!"

"Hmmm," Pam objected with a whine that soon turned to a moan when Jason's teeth dragged at her bottom lip as she moved away from him. "This better mean I get to bite you too," she cooed and her husband's eyes lit up brightly at the thought, his neck and face moving in offering to where her gaze had settled on the palpitating vein.

"You bet your sweet ass you will," he groaned while her finger dragged over the promised land of prime neck real estate. No body fat either, in a word; he was perfect!

A small cough escaped the cleric's throat before finding his voice once more, directing at the crowd, "May I present to you Mr. & Mrs. Swynford de Beaufort."

Jason nudged him slightly, speaking sideways as if not to embarrass the church official, "Bubba, the name's Stackhouse."

"Not anymore," Pam stated, matter-of-fact. He balked, looking at her incredulously, causing her to elaborate, "What, like I'm going to change my name for you? You're mine now!"

His outrage dissipated instantly as he observed her icy warning glare that only served to heat him to an inferno. "I like the way you roll, Swynford," he grinned.

"Swynford de Beaufort," she corrected. "Now hurry up, I have people to eat."

oOoOoOo

Eyes locked instantly with open hostility seconds after seeing the seating arrangement in the overflowing reception hall. Desperately they both looked for alternate seating till their elders, with a glare and cough respectively, forced them into their assigned seats with a grumble.

"Sookie," he growled in greeting with a nod.

"Mr. Northman," she nodded back with cool hostility.

"Nice try with Claude," he spoke snidely in an aside that only she would hear. "Very _subtle."_

She batted her eyelashes innocently, "Whatever do you mean?"

"It may have been a while since I was last inebriated, but I know a bullshitter when I see one," he noted. "You're miraculously sober."

"Not for long," she vowed under her breath, grabbing two glasses of champagne greedily off a startled waiters' tray.

"Sookie!" her Gran admonished with a glare that made the vampire next to her look meek.

"One's for Mr. Northman," she lied, acting as innocent as she could be while placing the other glass by her seatmate. "I keep forgetting he's a vampire!" Only for the fact that it favoured social graces did her grandmother let her off the hook, though the voiceless warning remained palpable in the air.

Eric snorted beside her, only to receive his own Maker's scrutiny as he was silently reprimanded through their bond. Annoyed with the entire situation at the table he turned to Sookie, surprising her with his request, "Dance with me?"

His eyes almost had a pleading quality to them, and she wanted to proclaim she'd prefer cancer to the thought of having to dance with him, but she'd severely doubt her grandmother would let her get away with _that_.

"I'd love to," she replied with fake warmth.

It was just their luck that the moment they stepped onto the dance floor the lights dimmed, and the tempo slowed significantly. Nervously they looked back on the suddenly very appealing table from where they'd just fled only to find an eager Gran and Godric staring back at them. "Truce till midnight?" Eric offered uncomfortably.

"Truce," she agreed with a sigh while holding out her hand, allowing him to lead her onto the dance floor. Hands and bodies shifted seamlessly into a rather comfortable hold, feet swaying to the music as they went.

"Do you ever follow?" he grit out in annoyance, carefully circumventing her trampling feet for the third time.

She shrugged, mischief dancing in her eyes, "I'd figure you'd be a bottom."

"Eric Northman is not a FUCKING BOTTOM!" he cried out, all eyes in the room instantly focusing on the two of them, including those obstructive camera crews, lenses zooming in as they did. He cleared his throat, feeling genuine public embarrassment for probably the first time in his life, further fueling his love/hate relationship with the little faery.

"Carry on," he spoke evenly, expressing more threat than invite. On the plus side, he noticed Sookie had finally taken to following his lead, except now he was tripping up because he'd made the mistakes of looking down, and they were again, the Tits of Terror squeezed together in an unctuous little line that called for his face to be buried in.

"You really do like tits," she giggled, the buzz of the first glass of champagne setting in.

He grumbled something that was to be a sentence, only to be interrupted by the giant orchestra suddenly changing its tune, the horn section bellowing out dramatically while the spotlight in the room set to focus on the newly married couple as they dopily made their entrance on a matching set of pink elephants, the groom already sporting his first set of visible bite marks, the bride still licking her lips, relishing the sweet, sweet, aftertaste and already salivating with the anticipation of more.

"You should go dance with her," Sookie nudged while he regarded her with confusion. "Father of the bride duty, and all that."

"You'll be okay?" he asked with a glance to the table she'd have to return to that was now akin to the seventh circle of hell to both of them.

She tittered, "Eric Northman! It almost sounds like you care about little ol' me!"

He huffed dramatically, "As if! Like I'd ever care about an annoying little faery like you!"

"Oh, bite me!" she growled back.

"Be careful what you wish for now," Eric leered with a sweep over her neck, causing her to instantly clamp her hands protectively over the vein he'd eyed in the process, which, thankfully, also obscured the goosebumps that erupted with the thought and feel of those fangs in her body.

"You wish!" she retorted weakly, her eyes landing across the room for an escape, any escape, in the form of a friendly face till she found the one. She hesitated, honestly she didn't know who the biggest asshole in the room was right now while determinedly making her way to him. Eric followed her gaze, nostrils flaring. _What the fuck was Bill Fucking Compton doing here?_

"What the fuck are you doing here?" they screamed out in tandem, startling the rather smug Southern vampire with the dual impact while Eric and Sookie regarded each other with surprise over their mutual hatred. Shockingly they even shared a smile.

"Is that any way to greet the envoy of Queen Sophie Anne?" he taunted.

"As far as I'm concerned," Eric shrugged, "yes. Tell the bitch to fuck off."

"I-" he protested. "Sookie, you will stand for his poor behaviour?"

Her arms crossed over her chest menacingly, making Eric eager with anticipation, seeing the beauty of her wrath in all its glory for once not directed at him.

"I come bearing gifts," Bill offered with genuine fear in his eyes. Holding up a heavy gold envelope, "I heard there would be unicorns."

Sookie rolled her eyes before snatching the envelope from his hands, peeking inside, and then giving Eric a glance. An unspoken message travelled between them, the corners of their mouths tugging up ever so slightly before she fisted the envelope into a tight little ball, and utilising the indignant gasp that erupted from Bill to teleport it into his mouth. Eric was quick to pull the weasily vampire by the sideburns out of the reception rooms and towards the exit. Lowly he warned, "Get the fuck out of my state, and if Sophie Anne or you even comes in the vicinity of Pam…"

He gulped, eyes wide with terror as he tried to beg for mercy with the gag in his mouth.

"Sayonara, Bill!" Sookie cried out with delight, a satisfying kick to the behind forcing him to collide with the pavement. Eric almost complimented her with the audible cracking of bones. _Almost_.

Bill spluttered, finally ridding himself of the proffered gift in his mouth while crying out in pain. Feebly he held up a little ticket, "My coat?"

"Why don't you get a new one?" she spoke in a saccharine tone that almost had him convinced she was being sincere. Soon her voice betrayed any notions of such as she spat, "With that $25 gift certificate for Walmart!" With a bounce in her step she turned to Eric, giddy over the excitement, "Shall we?"

He grinned, sharing her sentiments, taking her hand in his before barking at the security, "Make sure he stays out!"

"Quick thinking with that envelope," Eric complimented as they made their way back towards the formal rooms. She nodded, begrudgingly recognising, "Nice move with the sideburns. I always wondered if they were real. Guess they are." They shared a brief chuckle while passing the cloak room, both frightened on what _that_ meant. Sookie observed the deserted hallway, turning her head left and right for added measure. Eric eyed her suspiciously, instantly objecting, "We're not getting the fucker his co-"

She'd shoved him, hard, crashing them both to the floor that cried out with a creak, taking a rack of coats with them. Struggling their bodies against each other until suddenly he felt her lips pushing against his that effectively shut him up, of course the Tits of Terror had nothing to do with it, they just felt very nice against his body, that was all, and he couldn't even care that she was ripping his shirt to shreds.

He moaned, she may have groaned as his hand moved over her ass, while the heavy coats were flung across the room. Suddenly she disengaged, his lips chasing desperately after hers, only to be stopped when hands landed on his now bare chest, keeping him pinned to the ground. Hypnotised by breasts heaving above him, she managed to catch her breath when suddenly her eyes narrowed and he knew. He _fucking_ knew he was in a world of trouble as the grin on her face shone brighter than that deadly motherfucker, the sun.

Eric braced himself as Sookie announced, exactly at one minute past midnight, sitting triumphantly astride him, "Guess you _are_ a bottom after all."

Eric almost laughed at her quip, that was until a wink was cast his way before the audible 'pop' left him devoid of her warm body. He was a little disappointed, after her display with Bill he'd expected something a little more. "Ha Ha," he grumbled to himself, anything but amused. "I'm a fucking bottom alright." It was, of course, at that moment the camera crew crashed in on cue along with Claude, smirking as he did. "Ah, Lover, there you are!" he purred with delight, "Ready and waiting for me, as always? You know I love being on top!"

* * *

 **A/N: Hides right along with Sookie… No worries Eric will exact a little revenge of his own next time :) Start placing your bets now as to when these two finally get their heads out of their asses… thoughts welcome as always, they make me smile ;)** **Don't forget to send your congratulations to Mr. and Mrs. Swynford de Beaufort either!**

 **Thanks as ever to msbuffy for laughing along with me through all this silliness!**


	8. Chapter 8 - Love Birds

" _Quick thinking with that envelope," Eric complimented as they made their way back towards the formal rooms. She nodded, begrudgingly recognising, "Nice move with the sideburns. I always wondered if they were real. Guess they are." They shared a brief chuckle while passing the cloak room, both frightened on what that meant. Sookie observed the deserted hallway, turning her head left and right for added measure. Eric eyed her suspiciously, instantly objecting, "We're not getting the fucker his co-"_

 _She'd shoved him, hard, crashing them both to the floor that cried out with a creek, taking a rack of coats with them. Struggling their bodies against each other until suddenly he felt her lips pushing against his that effectively shut him up, of course the Tits of Terror had nothing to do with it, they just felt very nice against his body, that was all, and he couldn't even care that she was ripping his shirt to shreds._

 _He moaned, she may have groaned as his hand moved over her ass, while the heavy coats were flung across the room. Suddenly she disengaged, his lips chasing desperately after hers, only to be stopped when hands landed on his now bare chest, keeping him pinned to the ground. Hypnotised by breasts heaving above him, she managed to catch her breath when suddenly her eyes narrowed and he knew. He fucking knew he was in a world of trouble as the grin on her face shone brighter than that deadly motherfucker, the sun._

 _Eric braced himself as Sookie announced, exactly at one minute past midnight, sitting triumphantly astride him, "Guess you are a bottom after all."_

 _Eric almost laughed at her quip, that was until a wink was cast his way before the audible 'pop' left him devoid of her warm body. He was a little disappointed, after her display with Bill he'd expected something a little more. "Ha Ha," he grumbled to himself, anything but amused. "I'm a fucking bottom alright." It was, of course, at that moment the camera crew crashed in on cue along with Claude, smirking as he did. "Ah, Lover, there you are!" he purred with delight, "Ready and waiting for me, as always? You know I love being on top!"_

 **Chapter 7 - Love Birds**

"You realise he's not gay, right?"

"I'm not a total idiot," she huffed. Though she had to admit she might have been, never really coming to that rather firm conclusion until she felt something hard and _firm_ poking into her moments ago. "Sure he's not bi?"

"Pretty sure," Claude replied with a reluctant sigh, an eager grin befalling him with his next thought, "I'd be happy to try again."

"I think I made my point," she grumbled. "How much longer do we have to sit here pretending to be happy? I want to go to bed and forget ever meeting Eric Northman."

"I figure we can leave as soon as the love birds have departed," he assessed.

Her face scrunched up with irritation, "Jason and Pam? They're enjoying the limelight a little too much, so that'll be forever. I don't think even the rising sun will deter her."

"I was referring to those two," he snickered, watching Sookie turn bright red at the sight of Godric cupping Adele's behind a little too suggestively while whispering something in her ear. "Although lust birds might be more accurate."

Sookie's eyes were now firmly forced closed, and she breathed deeply as if averting a panic attack, "Please tell me they've stopped."

"They stopped," Claude informed.

"Liar!" she screeched, shutting her eyes quickly again as soon as they opened.

"You're such a judgemental little thing, just let the woman have her bit of fun!" he scoffed. "Adele could use a good roll in the hay. You're just an ageist, he's twenty times her age, but you're grossed out by the thought of them doing the dirty."

"I don't care whether he's old, or her for that matter," she said while carefully prying her eyes open to a squint, barely able to make out anything that wasn't in the foreground. "She's my Gran, you know? She's been a sweet little old lady my entire life, and now it turns out she's some hussy who puts the average fangbanger to shame. If I'd done half the things going on in her mind right now, I wouldn't have an ass to sit on."

"Humans and their morality!" he scoffed. "Heads up."

"What?" she asked in confusion, only seeing the clearly ill-tempered Viking vampire headed their way a few seconds too late, and sporting a rather fetching new blue sweater in place of his shredded shirt.

"Is that your wallet that's happy to see me," Claude grinned, gesturing at the bulge in his pants, "Or is it just you?"

Ignoring the exasperating faerie, dealing with him once had been trying enough already, his eyes narrowing at the one sitting beside him instead, formally he greeted, "Sookie."

"Mr. Northman," she greeted politely in return, her lashes batting excessively in a pose of fake innocence.

"May I have your attention please?" Eric announced to the gathered crowd while pulling up a shocked Sookie beside him, becoming more panic-stricken by the second. "I can think of no greater day, or rather night, with our gathered loved ones for such an event as this."

"What are you doing?" she whispered in a mild fluster, knowing this overly-friendly version of Eric was in no way genuine or spelled out anything good. In answer, he only pulled her more tightly into his side, making it impossible to escape, and delighting both Gran and Godric with the sight.

"Tonight we have all witnessed the unique and special joining of two great families. Pam, I couldn't be more proud," he spoke regally, raising his glass as he did, his Childe beaming alongside her new husband. "Jason, you appear a good match for my little girl and I can't wait to get to know you on a deeper level."

"Liar," Sookie hissed while he chuckled softly as if they were sharing an inside joke.

"It appears love is in the air tonight," he continued with a nod to his Maker, setting his gaze on Sookie, desperately trying to avoid the Tits of Terror that could unravel his carefully constructed plan with a mere jiggle. "Infecting more than just the happily-wedded couple on this fine and festive evening."

Sookie became more and more anxious by the moment, uncertain exactly of what he was up to, with there being no doubt in her mind that he was up to something of the extremely badly behaved variety.

"Sookie," he whispered huskily before dropping to the floor on one bended knee thus causing her to screech in horror that could easily be mistaken for excitement. The crowd gasped collectively, recognising what would, without a doubt, be an excessively romantic moment, and under her breath she warned, "Don't you dare!"

"I know we've only just met, but I know this is real. I've never met anyone like you," he grinned widely, "Sookie, will you-"

"If the next words out of your mouth are 'marry me', I swear to God, Eric Northman, I will kill you!" she hissed under her breath, audible only to the two of them and Claude.

His hand moved over the bulge in his pocket to which Claude had been referring earlier, Sookie's mouth drying up in the process, and smirking smugly at the effect it was having on her. He bowed his head forward formally, kissing her ring finger with ceremony, and more than entertained to find her hands shaking with anger, "Sookie, will you," he began again while she inhaled a petrified breath, and the crowd echoing it until an expectant silence filled the room, "Dance with me?"

"You bastard!" she yelled, a little too loudly, causing the room to roar with laughter while he whisked her away in his arms towards the dance floor. "Let me go," she hissed at the same time attempting to keep a smile firmly plastered on her face during which the entire room gushed over the young 'couple'.

"Play along," Eric instructed leisurely, looking careless. "I have a ring in my pocket and I'm not afraid to use it."

"You're a real sicko, you know that!" she spat out.

"Thank you," he grinned. "Coming from you that's quite the high compliment."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Whatever you want it to mean," he retorted. "Now be a good little faery and dance with me, and then in view of everyone, we'll head to your room."

"We will do no such thing!" Eric chuckled again, and to any outsider they appeared the picture of perfect happiness, almost outshining the bride and groom. He dragged her hand over the velvet square box again in reminder of his earlier threat. "I can just say no, you know!" she retorted lamely.

"Doesn't matter," he replied smugly, shifting her towards the cameras that followed them with renewed interest. "I win either way; I'm either the dejected romantic fool who fell too hard and too fast for an ice queen, eliciting the sympathy of millions, and not to mention the amount of pity fucks, or I'm perceived the luckiest bastard alive. What better than a tale of love at first sight at a wedding about love at first sight? That little stunt with Claude, while inventive, makes no sense in their narrative that will most definitely end up on the cutting room floor."

She snorted, "Are you that insecure about your manhood?"

"Hardly," he answered with a scoff, "but I'm not going to allow some pesky little faery like you best me anytime soon."

"I violently dislike like you!

"I wish I could still vomit in order to express the depths of my loathing for you," he countered, then raising his voice, "Let's get you some cake, Smoochy Pie!"

"Love some, Cuddly Bear!" she grit out through a fake smile.

"Here," he exclaimed with glee, shoving an oversized piece of cake into her mouth, smearing most of it over her lips and chin, a plan that backfired immediately as traitorous pieces of crumbs fell to her cleavage, causing him to groan a little too loudly with the sight. She stared up at him, a hint of triumph clearly there with the knowledge that he wasn't acting, using it in her favour instantly, and sucking on his finger suggestively letting it linger a little too long with his slowed reflexes.

"Get a room, you two!" Jason exclaimed happily as Pam nibbled with blunt teeth at his throat while giving them a thumbs up. It was a much needed interruption to clear his head, and his other head, causing Eric to finally jolt from his stupor, pulling his finger from her mouth rather abruptly, causing her to cry out softly with the pain. "Sorry," he grumbled, seemingly genuine while cleaning up her face with a napkin. This only served to distract him further at her slightly dishevelled state, lipstick smeared firmly outside the natural periphery of her lips, making him think of other things to do with those full lips … _now if only he could muss up the hair…_

"Maybe we should revisit that truce," she offered, knowing her position was weak, but chancing it regardless.

"Oh no, my future bride," he grinned, quick to pick her up, bridal style, _of course,_ moving them towards the exit. His voice carrying far once again, clearly playing up to the cameras, "I'm never leaving your side again, my love!"

Despite her lowly hissed protests to his person and further threats to his manhood, he didn't put her down again until they were in the elevator where he innocently hummed along to the terrible choice of Muzak while she stared at him with a hatred that had the potential to scorch him inside out, her hands crackling with electrical charge. With the announcing ding, she made no effort to be cordial, stomping out of the elevator in a manner more reminiscent of a two-year-old.

"You're not coming in with me!" Sookie announced once she sensed he was just a step behind her while stabbing the key card into its slot with barely enough restraint to not break the flimsy plastic in the process.

"Yes, I am," he assured, "What will people think if I'm suddenly without the love of my life?"

" _Un_ life," she corrected. "Regardless, just go somewhere else."

"Nope," he announced triumphantly. She was about to protest again when he pulled the box from his pocket, popping the lid open and closed, the shiny and rather large diamond twinkling menacingly in warning. "Don't make me whip it out!"

She huffed, "Whatever! I'm taking a shower. Don't touch my stuff."

Eric couldn't help but laugh at her a little longer, making himself comfortable on the oversized chair, the only piece of furniture that didn't smell so alluringly of her. Discovering a notebook hidden behind a pillow, and intrigued, he started to delve into it, hoping it was her diary, not that he cared what she thought of him, he couldn't care less. _Unless, maybe…_

"Whatcha reading?" she demanded with a tap of her feet, hair dripping wet around her face. Disappointingly to Eric, she was dressed in the dowdiest set of pyjamas, not like the protagonist in the pages before him, in her crotchless panties and garters, but little could contain his joy with his unexpected find.

"You've been writing a porno," he said, holding up the evidence. "You dirty girl, and you certainly are a fan of the Fang! _'Oh bite me, Rick!_ Rick sounds and awful lot like E-Rick, have you been having fantasies about me?"

"I have not!" she screeched, turning red instantly. "Give me that!"

"No!" he laughed while keeping it firmly out of reach in her attempt to get her hands on it, using his height and ability to hover to his advantage. He put on a falsetto tone, "' _He shoved his pointy rod_ ,' Really, Sookie? Pointy? ' _into her aching pussy_.' Quite the smut muffin, aren't you? Bet you can't say those words aloud without turning the colour of a beet, but you sure can write them."

"I did not write that!" she cried out while he continued to ignore her.

"' _The ancient tattoos weren't just around his neck, but covered his entire body, including his giant cock. Flanele bit his-'"_ A rather unmanly screech escaped him along with his hold of the journal. "Who bites a penis?" he stammered, making Sookie wonder if he was genuinely traumatised. Quick to pick up the fallen item she hurriedly started scanning the text.

"Oh my God! This about Gran and Godric!" she shrieked. "Gran wrote a porno?"

"Starring my Maker," Eric spat in disgust. "Leave it to the humans to make sex this depressing."

Engrossed in the text, she momentarily forgot the vampire in the room. Her face contorted, a perfect mirror image of his, and remembering the fellow sufferer of this knowledge, she shared, "Oh my God, his… his thingy seems to be growing an inch by each chapter!"

"It's called an erection, you idiot!" he growled, grasping the journal from her.

"I know what an erection is, asshole!" she yelled, trying to retrieve it once again, straddling his lap in the process. "Look, nine inches, then ten, what the hell would you do with twelve? And she can't even get two hands around it? Oh, my God, this is so gross!"

"Give it back!" he growled, pulling hard while she continued to resist. "This should never see the light of day again!"

"No! You big bully!" she yelled back, the two engaging in a tug of war in the process, neither one willing to relent till Sookie suddenly found herself bruising her ass with half of the journal in her hands, Eric holding the remnant while pages floated through the air. Their faces met in shock over what they had done, only hearing the interrupting cough in the room on the second try. "What are you two doing?"

* * *

 **A/N: Like most of this story this is in parts influenced by my weird and wonderful conversations with msbuffy. In this case I turned her onto a hilarious podcast that narrates without a doubt the most questionable piece of erotic literature ever written by the man's poor son with a good dose of humour and well I couldn't not let Gran follow in those elusive footsteps. Find the podcast,** _ **My Dad Wrote a Porno**_ **, on Google if you're interested. It's absolutely hilarious just make sure there aren't too many people around if you have headphones on…**

 **So Sookie's caught up with the fact that Eric is most definitely not into Claude… hmmm… this spells trouble… there are things in his pockets and he's not afraid to use them, which can only be good! Right? Did y'all like Eric's revenge?**

 **Much thanks to msbuffy without whom this possibly wouldn't exist.**


	9. Chapter 9 - The Honeymooners

" _Whatcha reading?" she demanded with a tap of her feet, hair dripping wet around her face. Disappointingly to Eric, she was dressed in the dowdiest set of pyjamas, but little could contain his joy with his unexpected find, not like the protagonist in the pages before him, in her crotchless panties and garters._

" _You've been writing a porno," he said, holding up the evidence. "You dirty girl, and you certainly are a fan of the Fang! 'Oh bite me, Rick!"_

" _I have not!" she screeched, turning red instantly. "Give me that!"_

" _No!" he laughed while keeping it firmly out of her reach in her attempt to get her hands on it, using his height and ability to hover to his advantage. He put on a falsetto tone, "'He shoved his pointy rod,' Really, Sookie? Pointy? 'into her aching pussy.' Quite the smut muffin, aren't you? Bet you can't say those words aloud without turning the colour of a beet, but you sure can write them."_

" _I did not write that!" she cried out while he continued to ignore her._

"' _The ancient tattoos weren't just around his neck, but covered his entire body, including his giant cock. Flanele bit his-'" A rather unmanly screech escaped him along with his hold of the journal. "Who bites a penis?" he stammered, making Sookie wonder if he was genuinely traumatised. Quick to pick up the fallen item she hurriedly started scanning the text._

" _Oh my God! This about Gran and Godric!" she shrieked. "Gran wrote a porno?"_

" _Starring my Maker," Eric spat in disgust. "Leave it to the humans to make sex this depressing."_

 _Engrossed in the text, she momentarily forgot the vampire in the room. Her face contorted, a perfect mirror image of his, and remembering the fellow sufferer of this knowledge, she shared, "Oh my God, his… his thingy seems to be growing an inch by each chapter!"_

" _It's called an erection, you idiot!" he growled, grasping the journal from her._

" _I know what an erection is, asshole!" she yelled, trying to retrieve it once again, straddling his lap in the process. "Look, nine inches, then ten, what the hell would you do with twelve? And she can't even get two hands around it? Oh, my God, this is so gross!"_

" _Give it back!" he growled, pulling hard while she continued to resist. "This should never see the light of day again!"_

" _No! You big bully!" she yelled back, the two engaging in a tug of war in the process, neither one willing to relent till Sookie suddenly found herself bruising her ass with half of the journal in her hands, Eric holding the remnant while pages floated through the air. Their faces met in shock over what they had done, only hearing the interrupting cough in the room on the second try. "What are you two doing?"_

 **Chapter 8 – The Honeymooners**

"It's his fault!" Sookie exclaimed, pointing a childishly accusing finger while Eric mimicked the exact same action and accusation.

Godric shook his head, desperately trying to mask his amusement over the pair in question. Dryly he informed, "Pamela and Jason are setting to depart on their honeymoon, and I believe it is customary for the family to wave goodbye." Sookie nodded, somehow confused as to when she had been designated the wedding expert in the room. "After," Godric stressed, indicating the torn and tattered pieces of paper all over the floor, "the two of you will fix this mess, and put Adele's manuscript to rights." A collective scowl was exchanged at the prospect of having to work on something in tandem, however, Godric's menacing glare overruled both, forcing them to nod submissively, though still firmly blaming the other for the terrible predicament. "I will see you both downstairs?"

"Yes," they grumbled before he closed the door on them.

"Owie," Sookie complained while attempting to stand up. "I think I broke my ass."

"Your ass looks fine," he grinned while helping her to her feet, taking a rather extended look that confirmed it as such, forgetting his animosity towards her momentarily. "I mean, it looks awful, like shit."

"You're a very unusual vampire," she noted.

"And you're the strangest faery I've ever come across!"

"Hey!" she cried out, "No need to be nasty!"

"Trust me," he chuckled, holding her closely to his body causing her to squirm within his grasp, the words delivered huskily to her ear with a vibrating tone. "When I'm being nasty, it'll be nothing like this."

She shoved her hands firmly against his chest, distancing them both, "That's not going to work on me anymore!" she stammered out. "Stop it!"

"What?" he goaded, "It was perfectly fine when you believed I was gay?"

"I thought it was a game," she whispered shyly, muting him in the process, neither one willing to concede whether it really was a game, the ramifications, well… not something either one wanted to consider all that thoroughly in light of what it might in fact suggest.

"Whatever, let's just go!" Sookie huffed and uncharacteristically, he followed her out of the room, with nary a teasing word or comment. Awkwardly they stood side by side in the large gathered crowd, waving off the happy couple to a warm paradise. Desperate to get out of the cold, Sookie was quick to return indoors, stopping him when he appeared beside her to linger by the elevator.

"Don't, okay?" she pleaded. "I'll just fix Gran's thingy in the morning."

"The porno?" he replied rather loudly, turning heads, while her face reddened at the stares, "That thing can't ever be fixed."

"Shut up!" she huffed, becoming angry all over again at the sudden onslaught of thoughts from the surrounding crowd who were now assuming she had starred in a porno, the particular sicko with a Granny Panty fetish and rather visual projection only making matters worse. "You know what I mean!"

"Let me walk you to your room."

"I'd rather you didn't," she replied suspiciously.

"You know," he started in a mocking tone, "I do own a publishing house or two."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Let me walk you to your room," he insisted, becoming rather impressed by her steely resolve that only dared him to test her further. "Or I just might be tempted to publish that piece of filth."

"You wouldn't!" she gasped, receiving a cocked brow in response that begged to differ. "Oh my God, you totally would!"

"Can even put it out under your name if you'd like," he winked, before becoming the victim of one particularly hard swat to the chest.

"You're such an ass!" Sookie cried out, despite knowing he wasn't serious this time, her small smile tugging at the corners of her mouth attempting its best to stay hidden.

"At least mine isn't broken," he grinned while pulling her along to the elevator, which she reluctantly allowed. "Besides, from all I've heard you'll be the only one using that room tonight."

Her eyes narrowed, the smoke almost visible with the scorch accompanying it, "Here I thought you'd stop being an ass for one second!"

"I can stop being an ass for a minute or two," he offered with a smug smile.

She twisted her face in disbelief, "Oh yeah? Prove it!"

Never one to back down from a challenge, he moved with preternatural speed, returning with a white rose between his teeth and a waggle of his brows, releasing it seconds later and waving it like a little flag before handing it to her, "No more games, okay?"

"No more games," she agreed while stepping back into the elevator that had finally arrived, holding the flower before her with a new appreciation for the vampire, "Good night, Eric."

"Goodnight, Ms. Stackhouse," he smiled back, waiting for the doors to close. The moment, however, lasted longer, with awkwardness setting in when the doors didn't appear to close. "You're supposed to press the button!"

"Oh shit!" she gasped before frantically pressing her floor number.

"Use the key card," he said, shaking his head when it appeared she was about to launch an annoyed electrical charge against it, although his words managed to reach Sookie despite her fluster, and she successfully managed to press the necessary button with a reddened face. The doors finally closed while his laughter resounded in the small vacuum of the elevator.

"Ass," she hummed with a small smile, her fingers lightly tracing the petals before taking an extended sniff from the heady bud.

oOoOoOo

Sookie groaned at the sound interrupting her precious sleep. She'd only just managed to doze off after finishing up the terrifying task of pasting her Gran's words back together, avoiding as many instances of actually reading the adventures of Rick and Flanele as possible.

"What?" she mumbled groggily.

"Ms. Stackhouse, I'm sorry to call so late," a vaguely recognisable voice stammered out. "But we seem to have a problem with your brother and his wife. He put you down as his emergency contact."

"Of course he did," she said with a roll of her eyes, gathering her clothes and wondering if she still had enough money on the emergency credit card to bail out two people. "What are they up to now?"

"Well," he said, pausing with a rather noisy breathe, "We think she ate him."

"What?" she shrieked. "What do you mean _think?"_

A small cough preceded his next sentence, "She'sgoneferalandnoonedarestogonearthehouse."

"FERAL?"

"Please come?" he whimpered. "We're scared she'll eat us next."

"Did you call her Maker?" she asked with urgency.

"Yes," he stammered. "Mr. Northman said to just let nature take its course."

"That asshole!" she cried out, "Tell him I'm on my way. Make sure he comes!"

"He told us not to call again," he breathed out, "We're really worried, the sun is about to come up and she won't let us inside."

"Give me his number," Sookie demanded along with the location of the honeymooners' slice of paradise, frantically punching in the numbers on the hotel phone as she received them.

"I told you not to call again," Eric growled in annoyance.

"This is a courtesy call," she voiced in a form of a greeting. "I'm coming over."

"Sookie?" he replied in confusion just as she materialised in front of him, only to be startled for a second time in a row when he became the recipient of a rather hard slap to the face. "What the-"

"Let nature take its course?" she cried out. "How dare you!"

"Calm down," he snarled with a hiss, his hand soothing the inflamed flesh she'd just assaulted, not bothering to wonder how she'd managed to teleport into his well-guarded safe room, because, well, tits. "Those humans have no concept of what a good fucking looks like."

"That did not sound like good fu-, sex! That sounded like imminent death!" she screeched in her continued panic. "Why the fuck am I even arguing with you? You're coming along, NOW."

He didn't even have the time to protest, gaze still occupied by cleavage, and her hands already on him before the odd sensation took over his body. He would have made some sort of comment about the odd tingles and their close proximity were it not for the fact that they were both suddenly splashing around in the middle of the ocean, no land in sight, and his heavy body dragging her down while the sun shone brightly above.

"You faulty faery!" he accused. "You can't even teleport right!"

"Me? Faulty?" she screeched, pushing him down while she attempted to keep her head above the water. "This is all your fault! I couldn't get in because you don't have a stupid invitation! What kind of vampire doesn't make sure their Maker has an invite?"

"I don't fucking care!" he roared, dipping them both under the water roughly in his desperation to relieve the damage of the sun.

"Just wait here and I'll get you one!" Sookie spluttered when she managed to move them both towards the surface again, desperately gulping in air. "You big baby!"

"Don't you dare leave," Eric warned, his hands gripping her tightly. She huffed while trying to wiggle free from his hold. "The fucking sun is burning me up, I won't last."

"How can you burn in the water?" she complained. "All this vamp hooey makes no sense whatsoever."

"Shut up or I'll scrub you down with Lemon Pledge and an iron brush," he threatened, causing her to gasp. "I may not burn, but I can fucking boil!"

"Well, maybe you deserve to fucking boil!"

"You little bitch!"

"Right back at ya!" she screamed. "Let go of me!"

"Take me somewhere safe!" he demanded.

"Fine!" she fumed. "Hold on, I'll try for the porch. You handle that deranged daughter of yours, and then I swear to God, I never _ever_ want to see either of you again!"

"Deal! Now hurry the fuck up!"

She didn't waste any more time, popping them both to the porch of the holiday home successfully, only to be confronted by a snarling Pam. The term 'feral' had been a bit of an understatement, and Sookie ran past her while Eric grabbed his Childe attempting to restrain her while she fought his hold, clawing her sharpened nails into the newly formed skin boils painfully. Sookie's heart pounded as she tried to navigate the home, the faint intermittent consciousness of her brother acting as her only guide. She found him naked in the basement, a puddle of blood staining the bedding, and the wound at his neck neatly healed, but to her horror he bled rather profusely around his crotch.

"Oh, Jason," she whispered with tears in her eyes, taking a careful look under the sheet that obscured the damage, praying Pam hadn't ripped off his favourite toy in the world. Jason just wouldn't be Jason without it. A sigh of relief escaped her, albeit momentarily, as she was quick to revert her attention to the bleeding wound from his femoral artery, straddling his legs in the process while diligently setting to her task of bandaging him.

"Sookie!" Eric screamed down. "Get the fuck out here! Pam's escaped."

"Screw her! I'm taking care of my brother!"

"SOOKIE!" he cried out again, genuine worry in his voice. "She's fucking frolicking in the sun without a care in the world. She's going to burn up!"

"Hey, Eric!" she taunted, "Why don't you just go and let nature take its course?"

It sounded like an explosion had just erupted on the porch, things were certainly being destroyed while she continued to ignore his tirade that was mostly a jumble of her name, a few choice profanities, and a few begging noises in between. While leaning over Jason carefully to assess the damage to his body in deep concentration, she never caught the sudden rise in panic from above that grew more urgent as time passed. Jason smiled lazily after she sent a burst of her healing magic through his heart, and with a loopy list he whispered, "Ooh, pretty, pretty, pretty Pam."

The sudden hand on her ass that accompanied his sign of consciousness was rather disconcerting, and luckily he was too weak to follow through on his next move as she successfully shrugged him off. "Jas," she tried again, "It's me, Sookie, are you okay?"

"Soooookay, 's okay," he giggled. "That was the best sex I ever had."

She sighed out in relief, ignoring the TMI moment, and moving back on her haunches while attempting to cover a body part she never ever wanted to see on her brother again. Sookie was about to get up, only to be suddenly tackled to the floor, a set of gleaming fangs suddenly at her throat, "MINE!"

"Pammy!" Jason grinned. "You sexy beast, get over here!"

"MINE" Pam continued to snarl in warning, her grip tightening while Sookie struggled to breathe.

"Jason! Invite Eric in!"

"Who?" he whispered, his voice falling faint again.

"Eric!" she cried in panic, Pam only seeming to become more aggressive with the apparent interest her mate had in another woman. The promise of an imminent death gleaming in her eager eyes while Sookie tried to fight her off the best she could, "Invite him in!"

Jason remained worryingly silent, forcing Sookie to yell out at him again.

"Invite who?"

"ERIC!"

"Eric?" he replied leisurely at the exact moment Pam's fangs threatened to sink in. A small snore escaped him, terrifying Sookie to the bone that all hope was lost, only to be surprised by the mumble, "Well, what's he waiting for? He should come in."

Sookie cried out, fearing fangs had finally penetrated her. Instead she was the recipient of Pam's eager tongue, lapping at a small scratch, and she squirmed with the strange sensation of the cold and wet muscle against her throat. Luckily it was all the damage she sustained by Pam, her Maker flying in with haste, and wrestling the feral vampire off Sookie despite his weakened state. Pam, however, was the one to cry out in triumph from their brief scuffle when she easily circumvented his hold, protectively placing her between Jason and Sookie, her mind clearly set on killing one or both, her Maker of little concern.

"Command her to stop!" Sookie shrieked out at a weakened Eric.

"You don't think I fucking tried that?" Eric rasped out. "Whatever the fuck this is, it's overridden my Maker's commands."

"She wants to eat me, Eric," she whimpered when Pam appeared to move toward her once more, and with little thought she backed her body into his, seeking protection. "Make her stop!"

"MINE!" Pam snarled again, this time the words clearly meant for Eric as her eyes narrowed on her next faery-flavoured treat that happened to be in his grasp.

Eric pulled Sookie into his body tighter, leaving not an inch between them, and with a deafening roar he countered, proclaiming the same word, his own fangs out and pointing dangerously close to Sookie's throat. "Say it," he whispered, "she'll back off."

Sookie hesitated momentarily, however, Pam's continual threat made her exclaim the word, 'His.', and with that fangs struck.

Pam backed off instantly, deferring to the largest predator in the room while Sookie cried out with the sudden pain as Eric greedily drank, the flavour overwhelming. With a well-aimed kick to the balls, she managed to extract herself from him while he groaned in pain, and running for the bed, she seized Jason and with an audible pop they were gone.

Despite bleeding profusely, she looked over Jason first, assuring he was safe before seeing to her own injuries. She stared at her darkened eyes in the mirror, skin pale from all the blood loss, ignoring the tears, her brother looking only slightly worse for wear. A gentle hand travelled through her brother's sweat matted hair before she spoke in a whisper, "Never again, Jas. We're never _ever_ seeing them again."

* * *

 **A/N: Okay so the honeymoon didn't exactly work out as planned… but as mentioned before this is my get away from all the complicated angsty stuff tale so rest assured it doesn't last long… not long at all… still hoped you liked Eric and Sookie's oceanic adventures despite a feral Pam :)**

 **I will also put in a general reminder that I consider this my version of PWP (That's parody w/o plot, you perverts) so don't read too much into anything whether a Bill comes or goes, someone gets drained, etc. it's all in the name of comedy!**

 **Now that we're speaking of perverts, apparently I am one according to a shaming list that I can't seem to care about. Anyhow since this person seems determined to remove stories from this site I'd like to remind you all that my WordPress site is my posting place of choice (direct link is in my profile) and in case you suddenly find me not updating around this day and it's not the Christmas break go find me there.**

 **Much thanks to my pervert in crime, I mean Parody Queen, yeah that's what I meant, msbuffy for her editing on this.**

 **Now tell me what you think…. I especially like those epically long No's you guys toss out now and then…**


	10. Chapter 10 - One Peek

" _Invite who?"_

" _ERIC!"_

" _Eric?" he replied leisurely at the exact moment Pam's fangs threatened to sink in. A small snore escaped him, terrifying Sookie to the bone that all hope was lost, only to be surprised by the mumble, "Well, what's he waiting for? He should come in."_

 _Sookie cried out, fearing fangs had finally penetrated her. Instead she was the recipient of Pam's eager tongue, lapping at a small scratch, and she squirmed with the strange sensation of the cold and wet muscle against her throat. Luckily it was all the damage she sustained by Pam, her Maker flying in with haste, and wrestling the feral vampire off Sookie despite his weakened state. Pam, however, was the one to cry out in triumph from their brief scuffle when she easily circumvented his hold, protectively placing her between Jason and Sookie, her mind clearly set on killing one or both, her Maker of little concern._

" _Command her to stop!" Sookie shrieked out at a weakened Eric._

" _You don't think I fucking tried that?" Eric rasped out. "Whatever the fuck this is, it's overridden my Maker's commands."_

" _She wants to eat me, Eric," she whimpered when Pam appeared to move toward her once more, and with little thought she backed her body into his, seeking protection. "Make her stop!"_

" _MINE!" Pam snarled again, this time the words clearly meant for Eric as her eyes narrowed on her next faery-flavoured treat that happened to be in his grasp._

 _Eric pulled Sookie into his body tighter, leaving not an inch between them, and with a deafening roar he countered, proclaiming the same word, his own fangs out and pointing dangerously close to Sookie's throat. "Say it," he whispered, "she'll back off."_

 _Sookie hesitated momentarily, however, Pam's continual threat made her exclaim the word, 'His.', and with that fangs struck._

 _Pam backed off instantly, deferring to the largest predator in the room while Sookie cried out with the sudden pain as Eric greedily drank, the flavour overwhelming. With a well-aimed kick to the balls, she managed to extract herself from him while he groaned in pain, and running for the bed, she seized Jason and with an audible pop they were gone._

 _Despite bleeding profusely, she looked over Jason first, assuring he was safe before seeing to her own injuries. She stared at her darkened eyes in the mirror, skin pale from all the blood loss, ignoring the tears, her brother looking only slightly worse for wear. A gentle hand travelled through her brother's sweat matted hair before she spoke in a whisper, "Never again, Jas. We're never ever seeing them again."_

 **Chapter 9 - One Peek**

"I want to go back to Pam!"

"No!"

"Please, I miss her," Jason whined. "You agree with me, don't ya, Doc?"

Dr. Ludwig nodded, "Like I told that Maker of hers, moving these two away from each other is the worst idea right now. They started a bond, you gotta wait it out."

"I don't trust her not to kill you. It's not happening, Jas," Sookie replied sternly. "It's over, we're going home. We'll just have to make sure she stays near enough," his eyes lit up in hope with the thought, though she soon found him pouting, "but I'll be damned if I ever let her get close to you again!"

"You might want to check that with your great-grandfather," Dr. Ludwig noted while presenting Sookie with her extortionate bill.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Sookie demanded with a deep-set frown, for both the comment and the tally of Jason's injuries.

She shrugged while packing the last of her things, "Showed up when I left the Maker and his feral Childe. Silly vampire, like he never saw someone high on faery blood. He asked after you, by the way."

"What did you say?" she stammered out, caught off guard by the comment.

"Doctor-patient confidentiality. Your secrets are safe with me," she grinned. "Offered to pay quite a bit to know."

"He'd be better off paying Jason's bill," Sookie grumbled under her breath, still outraged by the mind boggling amount of numbers staring back at her.

"Oh, he will," she grinned, snapping the envelope from her hands.

"So you gave me the bill, why?" she demanded with a tap to her feet.

"Figured I could cash it twice, but considering the company you keep, I prefer the promise of repeat business," she winked before teleporting away.

"Sookie, please?" Jason whimpered while she was still silently cussing out the opportunistic little doctor. "Can I at least call her?"

"Out of the question!" she scowled, moving to the door from where she sensed the familiar knock of Niall.

"Fuck off!" Sookie cried out, startling her great-grandfather when it was directed toward the blonde vampire who towered behind him.

"Sookie," Niall warned. "I expect you to be cordial, and this is very much unlike you."

"This is the new me," she spoke through clenched teeth. "I'm NOT inviting him in."

"A moment please," he spoke to Eric, leaving him outside of the hotel suite. He gave a reluctant nod, trying to make eye contact with Sookie to express his genuine remorse.

"I don't care what you say," Sookie hissed at Niall. "He and that shit piece of a vampire he calls his daughter are never coming near us again! Jason almost died!"

"Come here," Niall urged with open arms, sensing the stress that had been building up inside her throughout the entire ordeal. "There, there, I know it was hard, but she would not have killed him."

"You weren't there," she sobbed into his shoulder. "He was nearly gone."

He kissed the crown of her head softly, humming an old familiar song. "She _could_ not have killed him. They have bonded, she physically can't."

"See, Sis!" Jason exclaimed in glee. "Just take me back so I can get a sponge bath with Nursie Pam!"

"Granddaddy, I can't," she whispered through her tears, "I can't trust it not to happen again."

"Her Maker has agreed to supervise her for the remainder of their honeymoon, and I suggested you stay here and do the same for Jason."

"Do I even have a choice?" Sookie demanded bitterly. "Is this even a suggestion?"

Niall sighed heavily, patting the sofa seat beside him. "The Northman is genuinely remorseful for what happened to you both. Young Pamela is beside herself. At the very least you owe it to them to engage the conversation. Now is not the time to act like a child. I can always call for Claude in your place if you prefer, but at least give him the opportunity to apologise."

"Fine!" she huffed, crashing into back of the sofa. "I'll talk to him, and only, and I mean _only,_ if I feel it's safe they can continue their honeymoon. For whatever reason, Jason seems to really like that psycho bitch."

"YES!" Jason roared excitedly, injury and fatigue already forgotten. "I'm getting ma Pammy back!"

"Look after him for me," she smiled at Niall with a worried glance over to her brother who was moving to a victory dance in his underwear and socks. "He's supposed to be resting. I'll go talk to Eric." With the amused nod from Niall she shifted out the door nervously, finding a reluctant Eric leaning against the opposite wall.

"I'm still not inviting you in," she said softly, "but I'll hear what you've come to say."

"You're hurt," he spoke in an unfamiliar tone, strangely caring, his eyes inspecting the thick, white bandage at her neck, hands itching to reveal the damage inflicted.

"Yeah," she replied with a roll of her eyes, "you should know, you were there. It's nothing."

"It's _not_ nothing," Eric countered, "I fucking hurt you, badly."

"Yeah," she whispered, her eyes failing to meet his. "You did."

"At least let me heal your wound," Eric offered, his hand moving to remove the thick wad of bandages and instinctively, she flinched. "Sookie, please," he tried again in that strangely gentle tone that only made her hate him more. Things were just damn easier when he was a cold and heartless monster.

"No!" she cried out, shrugging him away. "I want this scar! That way at every family function we have together, you can remember what utter lack of control you and that pathetic excuse of a Childe of yours have!"

"Family functions?" he queried, ignoring the slight at Pam.

"Yeah," she grumbled, "Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, you name it. Your attendance _will_ be required by Gran, not to mention all the high holy Faery days. Looks like we're stuck for life. Jas can't wait to get back to Pam and I assume she feels the same, otherwise you surely wouldn't be here."

"She seems rather persistent," he agreed, sharing her grimace. "But I'm not here for her, I'm here because of you. That scar shouldn't be your burden to carry, I'll carry that shame forever, up here," Eric said, tapping at his forehead. "It's where I keep all my mistakes. Let me make this right."

"I rather you didn't," she replied coolly. "A drop of blood won't make this right. You know that as well as I do, so let's not pretend it does. I'm here for Jason, not me. Can you guarantee Pam won't kill him?"

"Yes," he returned confidently, "I won't hesitate to kill her if his life is at stake again. I made this vow to your great-grandfather."

She eyed him suspiciously, seeking an affirmation in his body language to that promise, "Huh," she remarked, sensing the sincerity on display. "Niall really does drive a hard bargain."

"It was my idea," he conceded.

She smiled tightly, "Well, okay then."

oOoOoOo

Her job as chaperone turned out to be not as cumbersome as she had expected, and Sookie had to admit the small tropical paradise agreed with her. Things had been surprisingly enjoyable, lying out in the sun all day, and then there was Eric who failed to share her sentiments. Every night he was met with her delicious après-soleil scent, and the temptress he had now declared her to be knew it affected him. Off-the-rack bikinis were not his friends, the fucking pieces of fabric revealed both way too much and way too little of what he truly wanted to see. It was becoming increasingly hard for him to remember what the normal state of his cock once was. Adding insult to injury, she wore his mark like a tramp stamp for all to see with her unnatural fondness for off-the-shoulder tops, _it only made him_ _fucking harder_. Pam behaved, _thankfully._ Jason was a horny bastard, _nothing new there._

The only bright spot he had discovered in the few days that would forever be known as Purgahorny was that Sookie was a fun drunk. While observing Pam and Jason on their honeymoon adventures from a distance, he was always sure to top off her fruity cocktails while she wasn't looking. As a result, things had been surprisingly cordial between them.

"Eric, exactly how much is the penalty you have to pay Niall?" she wondered aloud, knowing there would be ramifications from the broken clause of the contract that dictated no blood bond would be allowed between Jason and Pam until at least thirty days of marriage.

"Who wants to know?"

"Me, obviously," she tittered, moving her body just so with a hidden smile. It was almost painfully easy to elicit anything from him with a mere shift and a good batting of her eyes. _Serves him right, the bastard,_ she wasn't anywhere near forgetting the mar on her neck courtesy of him _._ Guilt, she had decided, _like everything else,_ looked especially good on Eric Northman.

"Right," he replied, eagerly sensing she was just about drunk enough to be all kinds of fun, he moved on his side towards her, leaning his elbow on his lounge bed. "Why do you want to know?"

"Popped into your former digs today," she shrugged nonchalantly. "I'd like to redecorate before I move in."

His eyes narrowed, the loss of that apartment still a sore subject, recognising the calculated stance of her gaze far too well now. _She was worse than Pam, this one._

"So you don't like the rustic feel?"

"Rustic?" she cried out. "Try bomb site!"

"It wasn't like that when I left it," he lied, the perfect picture of innocence, _if innocence was a six foot something asshole, that is_.

"My ass, it wasn't like that!"

"And what an ass it is," he grinned.

"Stop it," she huffed, arms firmly crossed over her chest.

"Stop what?"

"You know what," Sookie warned. "We agreed, no more games."

"Who said I'm playing?"

"Eric," she whispered with a tremble that did all sorts of things to him that he'd never admit to anyone, let alone to himself. "I mean it."

Sensing her sudden trepidation, he blurted out, "Let me see your tits."

"Excuse me?" _Fuck, not as drunk as she appeared._

"Did I say that out loud?" he posed innocently, only to be greeted by her stormy eyes.

"No," she bit back sardonically, covering any sight of her breasts as best she could. "I plucked it from your perverted mind. I'd ask if your momma forgot to breast feed you, but you're too damn old! What the hell is your obsession with tits?"

"Just your tits," he mumbled, accidentally voicing his inner thoughts for real this time. _Was it possible for vampires to contract foot-in-mouth disease?_

"That's it! I'm going home!" she cried out, angrily stomping away. "I'm calling Claude! You can have him ogling your ass all night and see how you feel!"

"I'm sorry, okay," he apologised, moving to obstruct the entryway to her little cottage that she still refused to allow him in. "I didn't mean it like that."

"So, you don't want to see my tits?" she demanded with a sceptical brow.

"Fuck, yes, I do!"

"I've heard enough," she said with a disappointed shake of her head. "Let me through."

"Wait," he pleaded, touching her for the first time since the biting incident, relief flooding his system when she didn't instantly recoil. "Let me explain."

"Why you would want to see my tits? I think that's pretty self-explanatory; you're a pig!"

"I fucking love those tits, okay?" he cried out, startling her slightly with the intensity and himself with his outright honesty. "I spend way too much of my time preoccupied with them. If I didn't like them so much, I'd hate them on principle!"

Sookie wasn't quite sure how to respond to that, "You've thought about this way too long and way too hard, haven't you?"

Eric snorted, swallowing the comment of what else was long and hard. His tone, however, fell quite serious, "If I wasn't so obsessed with seeing them, I wouldn't have dropped the ball like I did." _Or be in the possession of a set of blue ones. "_ Jason would never have gotten hurt."

"And seeing them would solve this?"

"Well, if I can touch them too," he grinned suggestively.

"Don't push your luck, buddy!" Sookie huffed, while she continued to eye him suspiciously, "This will make it stop, and you'll act like a decent human being?"

"Yes," he nodded confidently, "well, the human part is a far reach."

"One peek," she offered.

"One peek," he agreed instantly. "No touching."

"Close your eyes," she demanded while turning around shyly.

"Now is the time for modesty?" Eric complained, regretting his words instantly with the warning glare she tossed over her shoulder.

"I said a peek, not a striptease," she pointed out. When she was assured his eyes remained closed, Sookie quickly unlatched the fastening underneath her shirt before pulling all the different fabrics up, intending to hide her face during the brief peek. She doubted she'd be able to stand the scrutiny and would assure the peek would last no more for a second.

"Take it off! Take it all off!"

"JASON!" Sookie screeched in horror while frantically covering herself up just in time to see Pam scowl at her mortified brother.

"You had to speak, didn't you?!" Pam scolded. "I, for one, was enjoying the view, and now you made it go away!"

He ignored his newly wed wife, still staring dumbfounded over the excitement caused by his baby sister. "Stop thinking about them!" Sookie cried out. "They're just boobs!"

"Oh, for fuck's sake," Pam complained, spinning his body towards her and lifting up her own shirt.

"Oh, hey little Fun Bags," he smiled. "Missed you guys."

"Good God!" Sookie cried out, turning on her heels and crashing into Eric in the process. "Am I doomed to see everyone's private parts?"

"You've yet to see mine," Eric grinned, while catching her unsteady form, "You don't even need to ask."

"Gross!" she shrieked. "You said this would stop!"

"Never got my peek, now did I?" he pointed out, expectantly roving his eyes over her concealing shirt.

"Oh no! The Sookie funhouse is closed! You had your shot, it's gone."

"And what a shot it was," Pam grinned from behind them while Eric threatened to explode at the lost opportunity.

"Pam," he warned. "Get to your room!"

"What about my bedtime story?" she pouted. Once Pam had caught wind of the existence of Gran's porno, it had become their shared entertainment in the early hours of the morning when she and her Maker were the only ones still up. Eric had assumed Pam had enough sense not to mention it in front of the Stackhouse siblings. _Well, fuck me like a fat pink pony!_

"Pamela!" he barked. "Room. Now!"

"Fine," she whined. "Come on, Jason, you can look at _my_ boobs some more." He merely bobbed his head eagerly, following her lead.

"You read her bedtime stories?" Sookie asked incredulously. "Let me guess, do they start with 'Dear Penthouse,'?"

"Something like that," he grinned, happy to know their shared entertainment remained undetected. "Care to write one of those yourself?"

"I'm serious, Eric," she said. "It was once and never again. I'm going to bed."

"Right," he sighed dejectedly, the determination in her eyes speaking of volumes he never wished to read and reluctantly moved away to his own cottage. "Goodnight, my tempestuous little faery."

"Hey Eric!" she called out, forcing him to turn his gaze back again, and suddenly, there they were; the Tits of Terror in their full glory while she shyly looked away, open to his gaze for a brief second. He wasn't quite sure how to react, whether to fall to his knees in worship, beg for more, or sell his soul. Instead, he roared with laughter.

Quickly she covered herself again, despite already being covered, scrambling to set herself to rights while his stomach hurt like hell, but he couldn't stop. "I knew it!" she shouted angrily through his guffaws. "Everything's a fucking game to you! Fuck you, Eric Northman! I hate your guts!"

"No, you misunderstand," he wheezed out, "They're lopsided!"

"Well, thanks a lot," she scowled, becoming even angrier if that was possible, the stinging at the corners of her eyes transitioning into tears. "You really know how to kick a girl when she's down."

"No, I mean it's perfect!" he continued, failing to convey what had caused his amusement. "You're fucking perfect with lopsided breasts!" He moved in close, gaining every inch of space she desperately put between them, thanking every deity he had ever come across that she still stood outside that pesky threshold, "Sookie, you are just perfect."

"You mean it?" she whimpered, hating the insecurity he'd triggered in her and how clearly it was on display.

"Best tits I've ever seen," he confided, "and I've seen enough to know."

"Thank you, I guess," she sniffed, finally daring to look up into his eyes again, finding him suddenly very close. "Did it work at least?"

"No," he spoke hoarsely with a shake of his head, not a speck of regret on display, "not one bit."

* * *

 **A/N: Much thanks to msbuffy who informed me Penthouse was the magazine to write to, and for all her editing work on this.**

 ***snickers* Hope you all liked Sookie's lopsided boobs… lol… poor Jason, he's going to have to recover from that although Pam seems happy to help… and in case you're wondering, yes, Sookie is doomed to see everyone's private bits but Erics…**

 **Hope you all liked, let me know in the comment section :D**

 **~00~**

 **A general reminder: my** **WordPress site (hisviks dot wordpress dot com direct link is in my profile) is my preferred place of posting, while I completely understand the ease of use of this site as a writer in charge of my own work it's just a nicer place to be right now, due to efforts made to 'clean' up this site. If by some reason you don't see an update on this story seek me out on my WP. This story is complete on my end and it is my intention to release the last few chapters in time for the Christmas break with at least one update a week.**


	11. Chapter 11 - Cozy

_Eric snorted, swallowing the comment of what else was long and hard. His tone, however, fell quite serious, "If I wasn't so obsessed with seeing them, I wouldn't have dropped the ball like I did."_ _Or be in the possession of a set of blue ones. "Jason would never have gotten hurt."_

 _"And seeing them would solve this?"_

 _"Well, if I can touch them too," he grinned suggestively._

 _"Don't push your luck, buddy!" Sookie huffed, while she continued to eye him suspiciously, "This will make it stop, and you'll act like a decent human being?"_

 _"Yes," he nodded confidently, "well, the human part is a far reach."_

 _"One peek," she offered._

 _"One peek," he agreed instantly. "No touching."_

 _"Close your eyes," she demanded while turning around shyly._

 _"Now is the time for modesty?" Eric complained, regretting his words instantly with the warning glare she tossed over her shoulder._

 _"I said a peek, not a striptease," she pointed out. When she was assured his eyes remained closed, Sookie quickly unlatched the fastening underneath her shirt before pulling all the different fabrics up, intending to hide her face during the brief peek. She doubted she'd be able to stand the scrutiny and would assure the peek would last no more for a second._

 _"Take it off! Take it all off!"_

 _"JASON!" Sookie screeched in horror while frantically covering herself up just in time to see Pam scowl at her mortified brother._

 _"You had to speak, didn't you?!" Pam scolded. "I, for one, was enjoying the view, and now you made it go away!"_

 _He ignored his newly wed wife, still staring dumbfounded over the excitement caused by his baby sister. "Stop thinking about them!" Sookie cried out. "They're just boobs!"_

 _"Oh, for fuck's sake," Pam complained, spinning his body towards her and lifting up her own shirt._

 _"Oh, hey little Fun Bags," he smiled. "Missed you guys."_

 _"Good God!" Sookie cried out, turning on her heels and crashing into Eric in the process. "Am I doomed to see everyone's private parts?"_

 _"You've yet to see mine," Eric grinned, while catching her unsteady form, "You don't even need to ask."_

 _"Gross!" she shrieked. "You said this would stop!"_

 _"Never got my peek, now did I?" he pointed out, expectantly roving his eyes over her concealing shirt._

 _"Oh no! The Sookie funhouse is closed! You had your shot, it's gone."_

 _"And what a shot it was," Pam grinned from behind them while Eric threatened to explode at the lost opportunity._

 _"Pam," he warned. "Get to your room!"_

 _"What about my bedtime story?" she pouted. Once Pam had caught wind of the existence of Gran's porno, it had become their shared entertainment in the early hours of the morning when she and her Maker were the only ones still up. Eric had assumed Pam had enough sense not to mention it in front of the Stackhouse siblings._ _Well, fuck me like a fat pink pony!_

 _"Pamela!" he barked. "Room. Now!"_

 _"Fine," she whined. "Come on, Jason, you can look at_ _my_ _boobs some more." He merely bobbed his head eagerly, following her lead._

 _"You read her bedtime stories?" Sookie asked incredulously. "Let me guess, do they start with 'Dear Penthouse,'?"_

 _"Something like that," he grinned, happy to know their shared entertainment remained undetected. "Care to write one of those yourself?"_

 _"I'm serious, Eric," she said. "It was once and never again. I'm going to bed."_

 _"Right," he sighed dejectedly, the determination in her eyes speaking of volumes he never wished to read and reluctantly moved away to his own cottage. "Goodnight, my tempestuous little faery."_

 _"Hey Eric!" she called out, forcing him to turn his gaze back again, and suddenly, there they were; the Tits of Terror in their full glory while she shyly looked away, open to his gaze for a brief second. He wasn't quite sure how to react, whether to fall to his knees in worship, beg for more, or sell his soul. Instead, he roared with laughter._

 _Quickly she covered herself again, despite already being covered, scrambling to set herself to rights while his stomach hurt like hell, but he couldn't stop. "I knew it!" she shouted angrily through his guffaws. "Everything's a fucking game to you! Fuck you, Eric Northman! I hate your guts!"_

 _"No, you misunderstand," he wheezed out, "They're lopsided!"_

 _"Well, thanks a lot," she scowled, becoming even angrier if that was possible, the stinging at the corners of her eyes transitioning into tears. "You really know how to kick a girl when she's down."_

 _"No, I mean it's perfect!" he continued, failing to convey what had caused his amusement. "You're fucking perfect with lopsided breasts!" He moved in close, gaining every inch of space she desperately put between them, thanking every deity he had ever come across that she still stood outside that pesky threshold, "Sookie, you are just perfect."_

 _"You mean it?" she whimpered, hating the insecurity he'd triggered in her and how clearly it was on display._

 _"Best tits I've ever seen," he confided, "and I've seen enough to know."_

 _"Thank you, I guess," she sniffed, finally daring to look up into his eyes again, finding him suddenly very close. "Did it work at least?"_

 _"No," he spoke hoarsely with a shake of his head, not a speck of regret on display, "not one bit."_

 **Chapter 10 - Cozy**

He'd kissed her. Again. Then the bastard had just up and left. She'd never been more confused _and_ he'd had the audacity to smirk at her when he closed the door on his stupid little cottage, _not to mention that infuriating little wave goodnight and a wink._

As a result she'd tossed and turned all night, the bastard knew it of course, the raucous laughter emanating from his cottage was evidence of that, along with the high-pitched shrieks from Pam and for whatever reason, the word, 'mammaries.'

 _Stupid tasty fruity drinks, it was all their fault! And Eric. Especially Eric._

"You showed him your breasts?"

"It was a bad idea wasn't it?" she said, her tone pensive. "I've only made it worse!"

"Of course you did," Claude smirked, "Have you seen them? _I'd_ probably go straight at the sight of those puppies. Come on, try me."

"I'm not showing my boobs to you! Or anyone else for that matter, ever again!"

"Oh, Cousin, how did you end up such a prude?" he chuckled, waggling his brows while she angrily huffed in reply.

"Then he pretended it never happened," she sighed, needing some sort of insight, even if it was Claude's. "He even let Pam tease him that she got to see the goods and he didn't. It doesn't make sense."

"A gentleman doesn't tell, now does he?" he grinned.

"Eric Northman's no gentleman!" she protested, gesturing wildly for no apparent reason except to dispense the restless energy that had been residing in her since her return. "I can't believe I'm asking _you_ this, but what should I do?"

"Easy," Claude shrugged, "make him show you his dick."

"Why would I want that?" Sookie shrieked, cheeks flaming with the mere thought.

"I know!" Claude exclaimed excitedly. "Make him show his dick to me. At least I'd know what to do with it."

"Why would anyone want that?"

" _I_ want that," he pointed out. "And I'm all that matters here after all. You sure you're not a lesbian? Pam's fun bags did nothing for you?"

"No!"

"You're asexual, then," he concluded as if possessing a PhD on the subject, though knowing Claude, he probably did.

"I am _not_ asexual!"

"It's either that or you really were turned on by the fanger fun bags!"

"WAS NOT!" Sookie cried out. "Unlike some people, I'm not oversexualised."

"Like me?" he posed with an innocence that could easily be mistaken for lasciviousness, "and Eric, Pam, Jason, and lest we not forget the epic sex fest that is Godric and Gran."

"Stop it!" she scowled. "I'm perfectly norma-"

"Wait," Claude grinned, "I forgot Niall."

"Great Granddaddy?" Sookie said incredulously. "He's nothing like the rest of you!"

"He's a faery just like us. What do you think he was up to while you were off on your honeymoon? Where do you think he found that decorator of yours?"

"It wasn't _my_ honeymoon," she pointed out testily, not wishing to even contemplate what Niall was up to in their absence that involved anything sexual, _though that decorator had been asking an awful lot of questions about him..._

"So, what's next?" Claude teased, "Are you going to let him touch them? Round out all the bases under the bleachers in a little cheerleader's outfit?"

"Get bent," she growled. "I don't like him, and I'm definitely not sleeping with him."

"Keep telling yourself that," he cackled, "you might just believe it if you try hard enough!"

"You're such an ass!" she cried out, swatting him for good measure.

"A fine ass, you mean!"

"A fine ass indeed, Lover," Eric grinned with an exaggerated wink, disrupting their private conversation, Sookie only managing to contain the shriek of surprise just in time with his sudden appearance.

"You two can't gang up on me!" she cried out. "That's just not fair!"

"Fair is for humans," Claude smirked. "Now show us your tits! It's only fair!"

"Hush!" she hissed with a painful swat to the chest that made him wheeze. Turning to Eric with an aggravated scowl, she demanded, "What are _you_ doing here?"

"My presence was required, something about Christmas chores?"

"They called you in, too, huh? They're upstairs," Sookie mumbled, shuffling her feet and averting his gaze. "We don't dare to disturb them."

"We have our board meeting in half an hour," he replied with annoyance. "I'm not waiting on them to stop fu-" Her angry face and the stifling hand over his mouth amused him to no end. A swipe of his tongue against the soft skin causing another high-pitched shriek delighted him in a way he couldn't quite remember. So he licked her again, but let the opportunity to tease her some more pass, time limited after all and moved with purpose up the stairs. "Follow me."

"Eric, we can't!" she tried feebly, her short legs doing their best to catch up with his long strides. "Don't open that do-"

Eric stood stock still, shock flooding his system while Sookie and Claude crashed into his back before encountering the same sight, and with that, Sookie got the answer to the unasked question if vampires ever got chilly. More importantly, she finally came to understand what you did with twelve inches of erect and tepid flesh. Apparently you crocheted it a hat, or rather a tea cosy, _cock cosy?_

"Well, hello, Mr. Northman," Gran greeted with a smile, covering her body nonchalantly with a robe, and falling to that sweet congenial tone as if she were entertaining the parish priest rather than being caught in the middle of their unusual craft-slash-sex activities. Not even Eric and Claude were quite sure what to make of _that._ "Claude, Sookie, so good of you to join us."

"We'll wait downstairs," Eric said with an audible gulp and without an arguing word, the other two quickly followed.

oOoOoOo

"I told you not to disturb them, but, no, Mr. Cocky Vampire has to barge right into in their bedroom and expose me to that!" Sookie ranted in his frustratingly tiny and frighteningly scary car. _Well, the scary was more down to the vampire's road rage than the car._

"Do you ever shut up?" he growled, hitting the brakes hard at the sudden congestion. They were late, _very late._ "I didn't force you to follow me! It's not my fault you're so easily traumatised."

"Hey! Don't put this all on me!" she cried out. "You were awfully quiet for a while, buddy, _'Yes Mrs. Stackhouse, of course, Mrs. Stackhouse'_. You do realise you volunteered to cook the Christmas ham, and you couldn't look Gran or Godric in the eye either!"

He growled, honking his horn needlessly while considering flying them out and to the meeting on time, but that would require abandoning his beloved car in this gridlock of traffic.

"Will you calm down?! You're not making the situation any better!" she complained.

He eyed her sideways, carefully avoiding the ever-present cleavage on display, but got lost in there anyhow, only startling him from his stupor when his name was shrieked out into the compartment of the car.

"Pam?" he replied with a frown when his mind had firmly departed to the beautiful mountainscape of Sookieland.

"Eric!" she shrieked out again over the speakerphone, "he's brought… _things."_

"A man comes with things, Pam," he pointed out with a tired sigh, his gaze returning to the traffic and the steering wheel, _certainly not pastures green, considering his previous view_. He really wasn't in the mood to deal with the newlyweds' moving in woes already. _Fucking hell, it had only been three hours since the van arrived._

"Yes, a man comes with _money_ ," she agreed. "He's brought none of that, only giant piles of junk." Her voice fell especially low, a sign of Pam at her most confused, "Eric, what's a _budget?"_

He had to stifle his laugh when she tested out the word as if it were an infectious disease, "It means living according to your means. In this case, since you refuse to work; by Jason's means."

"Which is how much exactly?"

He looked at Sookie who pushed the pads of her thumb and index together closely while mouthing, 'very little.'

"Your average spend on a handbag," he concluded with a smirk.

"Per day?" Pam hummed, "It's not much, but I could work with that in a pinch."

"Not even close, Pam" Eric chuckled, winking at Sookie.

"Month?" Pam trembled out in fear.

"Try year," Sookie chipped in only to be replied to by a dial tone that cut off an unheard tirade directed at Jason. "Rude."

"It's not nice to tease her that way," Eric pointed out, thankful that the cars in front of him appeared to be gaining some sort of momentum.

"Who says I am?" she shrugged. "I know what those overpriced handbags of hers go for. Jas and I earn diddly squat. We're downright poor. We can barely afford Gran's new drive."

He raised his eyebrows, "Don't play that poor little princess routine with the 'oh-so expensive gilt driveway that she can barely afford.' There is no such thing as a 'poor' Brigant."

"Yeah, well, we're not exactly Brigants now, are we?" she shrugged. "Gran taught us the value of a dollar as well as a penny. No Brigant trusts for us Stackhouses as long as Gran has anything to say about it. What are you doing?"

"What does it look like I'm doing?" he returned with a roll of his eyes while he continued to type away on his phone. "I'm wiring Pam some funds."

"Oh no!" she said, pulling it from him his grasp. "Those two wanted to get married for richer and for poorer. Tough luck for her that she married poorer. You're not bailing her out!"

"I'm not letting her suffer just because your brother doesn't know how to make a decent living!"

"Yes, you are!" she growled.

"Make me!" he growled back, clamouring for his phone, missing epically, _stupid faery and her faery tits, no matter how splendid the view on Mount Sook. "_ Give me back my phone!"

"Only if you promise not to send her any money!"

"Fine," he conceded.

"Liar!"

"How the fuck would you know I'm lying!"

"Telepath," she smirked. "Know that face on anyone. Added to that, you'd never agree to something without getting some change out of the deal yourself. If you'd bothered to teach Pam that, she wouldn't be in the situation she is in now, would she?"

"Point," he begrudgingly admitted. "So what are you offering?"

"Who says I'm offering?" she beamed back, waving the phone out of his reach, her back pushing against the car door. "I've got all the power here."

"And I'm being restrained by a seatbelt, so your power is very limited," he pointed out with a threatening finger over the red release button. "Negotiating time is now."

Her face scrunched up and contemplating deeply, she finally offered, "You can tell Pam the truth, that you saw, you know, these," she said, gesturing to her chest, nearly making him forget what they were talking about again. _Maybe less mountainscape, more Bermuda Triangle._ Which made him think of another softly landscaped triangle, _Fucking Hell._

"No," he finally managed to sound out without a wanton pant. "Let me see them again."

"Nuh uh," she replied petulantly.

"You're supposed to counter!"

She shrugged, "Yeah, well, it's all or nothing. Or something."

"Let me touch them."

"No!"

"You don't even have to take your shirt off," he suggested while she continued to eye him suspiciously.

"Why does it always have to be me who has to show her bits or gets felt up? Why can't it be you?" Sookie cried out, instantly wishing she never voiced that aloud with the look of hunger in front of her, leaving no doubt he'd be _very_ happy to agree to those makeshift terms, _in any form_. Despite the attempts to explain she didn't mean it like _that_ and all such perverted thought only existed in _his_ mind, nothing seemed to wash away that annoying smirk on his face that spelled victory.

"Fine! You can touch them!" Sookie finally conceded, hoping it would end this continual perusal of her, or more frustratingly, her chest, which was making her feel things she didn't want to know she could feel, _especially in the chest area_. His continued silence only unnerved her further, "One squeeze, Mister. That's it!"

"Very well," Eric grinned excitedly, his tongue tracing his top lip hungrily, forgetting all about the clusterfuck of traffic they were stuck in and the room full of people awaiting them.

"And no kissage after!"

"I'll hold you to that," he smiled while releasing the buckle of his seat belt, successfully unsettling her even further while he stretched out his entwined hands before him with a crunch, as if in preparation for something far more daunting than a simple fondling of flesh. She breathed heavily, her eyes somewhere between scrunching and closing as his fingers neared, crying out with the suddenness of it all in the next moment.

"You purple-eyed piece of shit!"

Miraculously her boobs had remained untouched, if you discounted the hold the seat belt already had on her. The rest of her body was a different matter altogether. While Eric was brushing the shattered glass of the windshield from his hair and set to inspect the damage to his favourite girl, _the car,_ her door opened while she remained in a confused haze at the sudden turn of events.

"You okay, Babe?" a deep voice asked while all she could do at this point was blink in reply.

"Do not fucking touch her or I'll use that fugly ass hide of yours as the upholstery for my new car!" Eric roared, scaring Sookie with the intensity of it, causing her to whimper and cower towards the other man.

"Are you his, Babe?" the subdued voice asked her again, seemingly unimpressed by the testosterone display and successfully keeping Eric from access with his position at her door. There was something so gentle and kind about the shiny bald headed man, she really only was able to focus on one thing at a time as her head seemed to be ringing in a relentless echo from the impact with the dashboard. "Are you?"

She shook her head. She wasn't even quite sure what she was answering or whom, _for whatever reason she wanted to call him Mr. Clean._ He seemed nice enough though. "Wanna be mine, Gorgeous?" he grinned with a wink. _Oh my God, it is Mr. Clean!_

"Em, sure?"

 _Because who wouldn't want to be Mrs. Clean?_

* * *

 **A/N: Ehm… me, yeah definitely me…**

 **Merry Christmas from Mr. and Mrs. Clean… *snickers* Anyhow I hoped you enjoyed that and won't be hunting me down with feral Pam and other threats that were sent my way last week with the mere taunting of where this chapter would end up** **…** **In my defence can I just say, "Cock Cozy?"**

 **This story will be back in early January no matter how much you people beg/blackmail/bribe.** **We'll pick up right here again to explore another familiar trope of amnesia Sookie who doesn't seem to be into Eric at all! Yep, clearly lost her marbles that one...**

 **Much love to msbuffy (don't bother her either) and Happy Holidays/Festivus/Christmas/Celebration of Choice!**

 **A general reminder: my** **WordPress site (hisviks dot wordpress dot com direct link is in my profile) is my preferred place of posting, while I completely understand the ease of use of this site as a writer in charge of my own work it's just a nicer place to be right now, due to efforts made to 'clean' up this site. If by some reason you don't see an update on this story seek me out on my WP.** **Also since I can preschedule things to post on my WP site it is highly likely that some things will be posted there over the Christmas that won't be posted here and chapters of other stories will be posted there earlier.**


	12. Chapter 12 - Mr Clean

" _Fine! You can touch them!" Sookie finally conceded, hoping it would end this continual perusal of her, or more frustratingly, her chest, which was making her feel things she didn't want to know she could feel,_ _ **especially in the chest area.**_ _His continued silence only unnerved her further, "One squeeze, Mister. That's it!"_

" _Very well," Eric grinned excitedly, his tongue tracing his top lip hungrily, forgetting all about the clusterfuck of traffic they were stuck in and the room full of people awaiting them._

" _And no kissage after!"_

" _I'll hold you to that," he smiled while releasing the buckle of his seat belt, successfully unsettling her even further while he stretched out his entwined hands before him with a crunch, as if in preparation for something far more daunting than a simple fondling of flesh. She breathed heavily, her eyes somewhere between scrunching and closing as his fingers neared, crying out with the suddenness of it all in the next moment._

" _You purple-eyed piece of shit!"_

 _Miraculously her boobs had remained untouched, if you discounted the hold the seat belt already had on her. The rest of her body was a different matter altogether. While Eric was brushing the shattered glass of the windshield from his hair and set to inspect the damage to his favourite girl, the car, her door opened while she remained in a confused haze at the sudden turn of events._

" _You okay, Babe?" a deep voice asked while all she could do at this point was blink in reply._

" _Do not fucking touch her or I'll use that fugly ass hide of yours as the upholstery for my new car!" Eric roared, scaring Sookie with the intensity of it, causing her to whimper and cower towards the other man._

" _Are you his, Babe?" the subdued voice asked her again, seemingly unimpressed by the testosterone display and successfully keeping Eric from access with his position at her door. There was something so gentle and kind about the shiny bald headed man, she really only was able to focus on one thing at a time as her head seemed to be ringing in a relentless echo from the impact with the dashboard. "Are you?"_

 _She shook her head. She wasn't even quite sure what she was answering or whom,_ _ **for whatever reason she wanted to call him Mr. Clean.**_ _He seemed nice enough though. "Wanna be mine, Gorgeous?" he grinned with a wink._ _ **Oh my God, it is Mr. Clean!**_

" _Em, sure?"_

 _ **Because who wouldn't want to be Mrs. Clean?**_

* * *

 **Chapter 11 - Mr. Clean**

"Sookie!"

"What's a Sookie?" she asked in a whisper to Mr. Clean.

"Think that's you, Babe," he smiled, tucking a lock of hair behind her ears.

"Get your filthy paws off her!" Eric growled, shoving the were-tiger aside forcefully, warning, "You're lucky you're still breathing for endangering MY-"

"Hey!" Sookie protested. "Don't hurt my boyfriend!"

"He is NOT your boyfriend!" Eric roared with perhaps a little too much vigour, scaring her in the process.

"Well, I sure hope it's not you, Mr. Grumpy!" she yelled back, groaning in pain with the sudden strain.

"Fuck!" he growled, falling to his knees and looking her over carefully. "Sookie, what's my name?"

Her eyes searched him warily, "I… I don't know."

"She needs a hospital, man."

"Shut your face, Captain Obvious! This all your fault," Eric growled, warning the Were to a safe distance while loosening Sookie's safety belt. "Can you stand?" he asked in a gentle whisper, aiding her out.

"I feel dizzy," she complained with a whimper. "All these noises, they're only getting louder in my head. It hurts."

"Come here," he instructed, pulling her close, remembering the relief he had provided her during Jason's bachelor party when she'd looked about as haggard as she did now. "Hold me tight."

"OK," she agreed begrudgingly, at least he seemed to be nice to her _now,_ and the invading noises appeared to magically disappear in his embrace. _Mr. Grumpy wasn't too bad to look at either._

"I'm going to fly us out of here, okay?"

"Mmmkay," she murmured, then a mild panic set in, "Wait, fly?"

He hovered them slowly above the ground, testing her reaction, assuring he wasn't adding to her injuries. Instead she cried out in shock, struggling against his hold with the sudden sensation. "What are you?!"

"A vampire," he answered with a grin, proudly flashing his fangs.

"Let me go!" she screamed, frightened by the sudden physical change, struggling against him so much he feared she'd fall to the ground if he didn't let her go and set her back on the ground safely.

"Sookie!" he tried, chasing after her as soon as they were down again, her tiny form moving much smoother between the jam packed cars than he could, honking noisily. "You have to go to the hospital!"

"He'll take me," she whimpered, struggling against the pain of her resurging telepathy, yet unaware of it cause, inching herself closer to Mr. Clean who eagerly encouraged the turn of events with inviting arms.

"He's a fucking tiger!" Eric spat, her face only scrunching up in confusion.

"No, he's not!" she protested, reaching for the clearly human arm, only to be confronted with a whir of growls and snarls in her mind with the barest touch, forcing her to cry out in shock and jump back into the safety of Eric's arms instead.

"Believe me now?" he chuckled, enjoying her eager scramble onto his body, latching on like a leach. "Ready to go?"

"You won't bite me?"

"No," he said with a shake of his head. "Unless you ask."

A small giggle escaped her, "Maybe another time."

 _Fuck where was this Sookie hiding all along?_ He briefly wondered how much Dr. Ludwig would charge for a personality transplant, because, well, the Tits of Terror were fabulous after all and those were the type of implants money couldn't buy.

He shifted her, careful not to harm her further and keep her head steady in his hold. Frustratingly, he knew vampire blood was too much of a gamble with brain injuries, more likely to make it worse than better, the legend of Bubba all too fresh in his mind. _Not to mention the wrath of Niall, along with the extortionate cost the faery prince would demand for another transgression._

He didn't waste time flying her to the Emergency Room where Dr. Ludwig stood ready and waiting with an eager set of dollar signs in her eyes. "She has no memories," Eric explained with worry while the little doctor examined her.

"She'll need a scan or two," she concluded. "Call her great-grandfather."

"I'll pay," he insisted. "Get it done NOW!"

"This isn't about money, fanger," she scowled. "She's his favourite and I'd like to live another day."

"Fine," he growled. "Make sure she gets in there before anyone else."

She hopped down off her stool and with a nod, wandered off with more haste than he'd ever seen in the little doctor's step.

"Northman? Has your Pamela been munching on my great-grandson again?"

"You almost sound pleased to hear that," Eric noted suspiciously. "It's Sookie."

"What!" he cried out. "If you laid your fangs on her again I'll-"

"Calm down!" Eric growled, continuing in a clipped tone, "We were in a car accident, _not my fault,_ she doesn't know who she is. Or who I am for that matter. She needs some scans, Ludwig won't do them without your permission."

"She's lucid?" he asked with worry, popping into the room and causing Sookie to cry out with sudden fright again, scrambling into Eric's side.

"Yes," Eric replied tersely, a soothing arm moving over her back, _fucking hell she was naked under that frumpy hospital gown, stupid gown was supposed to be his friend covering all her best bits and keep his mind clear, there wasn't supposed to be nudity involved, damn it,_ "Give Ludwig the go ahead."

He nodded immediately, "I'll find her! How dare she make my great-granddaughter wait!"

"What is he?" Sookie asked Eric with wide eyes.

"A faery," Eric smiled indulgently. "He's harmless."

"Unless you're a tiny doctor?" she posed mischievously. _Eric really, really, liked this Sookie_.

"Time to go, Princess," the doctor in question spat out brusquely. "Fanger, stay here."

"NO!" Sookie cried out. "Mr. Grumpy stays with me."

The doctor shrugged in reply, addressing Eric with amusement over the nickname, "Well, it's not like the radiation will kill you, I think?"

"You think?" he posed dubiously.

"Pretty sure, but there's a first for everything."

"Fine," Eric replied tersely, Sookie's worried look making him comply instantly and wonder what was left of his otherwise impeccable survival skills. _Death by radiation for a pair of tits, it is._

With a big grin, her bed was rolled to the scanning room, and while helping Sookie into the machine, once more at her insistence after being exposed to the attending nurse's thoughts, he managed to catch a glimpse of her bare behind that he would have to add to his mental map of Sookieland. _Well, that was almost worth bursting into a million pieces for from the radiation. Almost._ He was beginning to like those hospital gowns more and more.

"Stay still," Dr. Ludwig instructed, "That goes for both of you. My Prince, please follow me."

With a grave face he followed her into the control room. Eric couldn't quite hear their conversation, but he noted with some amusement the nervous sweat present on Ludwig's brow while watching Niall lose his shit. _First time I ever heard the word 'please' come from that tiny mouth._ He couldn't wait until Niall sunk his claws in the oversized, purple-eyed pussy next.

"Eric?" Sookie whispered. "I'm scared."

"You'll be fine," he replied with assurance while the machine started to whir around her. "You'll be a pain in my ass again before you know it."

She smiled back nervously, exhaling a deep breath and doing her best to stay as still as possible per the doctor's repeated instructions over the speaker. It went quicker than she expected and before she knew it, Eric was helping her up again, the second sighting of her ass leaving him in pain, indeed. "Thank you," she spoke softly, placing a soft kiss to his cheek, barely reaching him on her tippy toes.

An orderly returned her to the hospital's best suite available, filled with several bouquets of her favoured daisies where they awaited the news from Niall and Dr. Ludwig.

"Don't worry," he said when it appeared she'd be chewing her lips off. "They wouldn't take their time like this if it was really bad."

"What if it's so bad they don't know how to tell me?"

"Then you don't know Ludwig," he grinned with an assurance that, thankfully, seemed to ease the worst of her worry.

She shifted to her side, facing him and pulling the hand that rested on the bed towards her, "You have nice hands," she noted as if seeing them for the first time. "Strong, but gentle."

"Don't tell anyone," he winked, a small snort escaping her.

"Will you lay with me?" Sookie asked shyly, the nerves escaping her to look him in the eyes, adding lamely, "It doesn't hurt my head so much when you're close."

"Very well," he agreed, toeing off his shoes, taking up the narrow space left on the bed, and repositioning them both carefully, her head cradled against his chest.

"So he was really a tiger?" she asked, her tone still incredulous.

"Yes," he answered. "And a shitty excuse for one at that."

"And I'm here snuggling with a vampire?"

"Yeah," he grinned looking down at her. "Scared?"

"No," she giggled. "Are you really my boyfriend?"

"'Fraid not," he replied. "Never been anyone's boyfriend, hardly a boy now, am I?"

"But you want to be?" she whispered, her lips suddenly very close to his, her breath heavy and warm.

"Wouldn't object to the thought," he smiled back. "You're not really yourself though, are you?"

"I don't care," Sookie replied, tentatively pressing her lips against his and letting out a whimper of relief when he kissed her back ever so gently, an altogether different sensation to the frantic ones previously shared. Lost in the other for a moment, she couldn't help but smile when they disengaged.

"You can stop pretending now."

"What?" she gasped, her eyes narrowing. "How did you know?"

"Got it back just before the scan, didn't you?" he hazarded correctly. "Knew my name out of nowhere. I believe I was a 'Mr. Grumpy' earlier."

"Damn," she huffed.

"Like you like this though, wouldn't have minded pretending a little longer," he grinned, caressing her cheek for emphasis. "I won't stop you if you want to carry on for a few more days. I can be your nurse, give you a sponge bath or two."

"Pervert," she replied with a poorly contained smile. "Besides, as I recall, you were passed over for Mr. Clean when my brain checked out."

"Mr. Clean?"

"Captain Obvious," she explained, remembering his nickname for the were-tiger. "If you ever cleaned a thing in your life you'd know exactly who Mr. Clean is."

"In that case," he grinned, making a mental note to research this Mr. Clean, "it's good to have you back."

"Ms. Stackhouse," Dr. Ludwig interrupted with a gruff tone, "You should be fine in a few hours, no haemorrhage, no bleeds, just a bump to the head. Your memories should recover soon enough. Your great-grandfather however, is insisting on ten different second opinions, but you have mine."

"Thank you, Doctor," she smiled. "My memories are back already, though the accident is a little woozy, but I remember everything else." Dr. Ludwig eyed her curiously, then proceeded to run a series of tests to assess the scope of her brain function. "Can I go home?" Sookie asked impatiently, no matter how nice her hospital room was, she wanted out of there as soon as possible. It was only bearable now due to Eric's presence.

"Ask the Prince," she huffed. "It's not like my medical opinion seems to matter to him."

"I'll tell him you did a good job," Sookie offered, softening Ludwig's scowl with a minute increment.

"How's the telepathy?" she asked, resuming her task.

"Scrambled, it helps when he's near."

"Figured as much, all those dead brainwaves, must be a delight," she mused while making the last of her notes. "The dead have their uses now and then."

"I have to go," Eric interrupted suddenly, the hurt look on Sookie's face quickly hidden before he caught sight of it, explaining, "The board meeting."

"Of course," she replied evenly, wondering if people would wait that long on him, hours had passed since the accident. "Tell them I'm sorry I couldn't make it."

He nodded, opening the door only to be replaced by a worried Gran, Godric, Jason, and Pam piling in, not giving her a chance to carry the look of disappointment on her face for long as she put on her best smile to alleviate the worry of her grandmother.

oOoOoOo

"You have a visitor," Claudine announced cheerfully.

"Let them in," she sighed, the forced enthusiasm with the prospect long lost on her. There wasn't much variation in her visitors, and they either worried too much about her, _Gran, Godric, and Niall,_ or were completely obsessed with their own lives, _Pam, Jason, Claude and Claudette_. Eric had been noticeably absent. _The grumpy_ _bastard._

"Hey," interrupted her thoughts, forcing her to look up quite high into the room at the man carrying a large bouquet of her beloved daisies. _Speaking of bastards._

"Hi," she returned shyly.

"I wanted to apologise for what happened," he said gently, his free hand scratching the back of his neck. "Should probably have come sooner."

"You came now," she said, sitting upright in her sickbed that Niall had insisted on while she _insisted,_ like Dr. Ludwig and the ten other doctors, that she was perfectly fine. "That's something right?"

"Something's better than nothing, I guess," he shrugged, taking the seat she gestured at. "How've you been?"

"Okay, I guess. How's your car?"

"A wreck," he replied unaffected. "I'll get a new one."

"And you?"

"I heal quick."

"Was it the boyfriend stuff?" she asked with a hint of insecurity, eyes peeking out seductively from beneath her lashes. "Is that what made you stay away? I probably shouldn't have said anything."

He laughed, easing her nerves, "Hardly, wouldn't mind being that at all to you. Needed to get my act together first, that's all. I'm sorry for what happened, that you got hurt."

She smiled, "Well, Mr. Clean, that's awfully nice of you, but I never did catch your name."

"OUT!" Eric roared in interruption, Claudine hot on his tail, and unsuccessfully deterring him from reaching Sookie's bedroom in a fit of rage, fangs out, and his hands already around the were-tiger's throat.

"Eric!" Sookie cried out angrily. "LET HIM GO!"

"Fine," he growled, dropping the large hunk of flesh to the floor where it wheezed pathetically. A well-aimed kick to the behind was accompanied with an enunciated, "Now out!"

Sookie was out of the bed, face flushed full of anger ready to deliver an aggravated set of pokes to his chest to punctuate her sentences, "Listen to me, Eric Northman! You don't get to barge in here and commandeer MY guests, especially when I've heard hide nor hair from you in days! Then you conveniently show up when someone else comes over here to apologise?!"

"Sooki-"

"Shhh! I wasn't done yet," she replied angrily, turning to Claudine, "Is he OK?" her cousin nodded, easing the were-tiger's ability to breathe with a soothing touch to his back.

"You better have something of importance to tell me because your face is the last one I want to see right now!"

"Do not be fooled by _Mr. Clean_ over there," he growled. "He's anything but clean. The tiger's always working an angle, he's not to be trusted!"

"Leave."

"Sookie!"

"I said, leave," she warned. "Don't make me repeat it a third time."

"I'm sorry, okay," he whispered, trying desperately to make her follow him to a secluded spot away from her bedroom and out of the were-tiger's hearing range, which thankfully, she did. "I suddenly smelt him and lost it with the stench, I meant what I said. He's not to be trusted."

"I'm not an idiot," she scowled, her voice equally low. "I know he works for de Castro _and_ I know he's been trying for a hostile takeover here for years." He could only stare back dumbfounded. "You really have to stop undermining my telepathy."

"You're helping _me_? Why?"

"We're family," she shrugged. "We take care of our own. You were there for me in the hospital, I owe you."

He grinned, "So we're good?"

"Define good?" she returned sceptically, really not in the mood to be felt up in that moment. Her boobs were rather black and blue from the accident and she knew he'd bring it up eventually. Eric Northman never seemed to forget a debt or a promise.

"This good," he whispered, taking her hand in his and brushing her knuckles with his lips, depositing a soft kiss.

"Yeah," Sookie smiled back, failing miserably at staying mad, "We're good. Now get out of here."

* * *

 **A/N: Feel free to wipe that nervous sweat from your brow, that 'Oh no, not *bleep*' moment wasn't what it appeared to be. I detest the were-tiger so much I a.) won't even contemplate anyone who says Babe as even a pathetic potential side interest for anyone let alone Sookie and b.) sully my writing with the man's name, Mr. Clean suits him much better, though Purple-Eyed Pussy has a certain ring to it too...**

 **Much thanks to msbuffy as ever!**

 **Happy New Year to those just joining back, now I did the writing bit you all do the comment bit!**

 _A general reminder: myWordPress site (hisviks dot wordpress dot com direct link is in my profile) is my preferred place of posting, while I completely understand the ease of use of this site as a writer in charge of my own work it's just a nicer place to be right now, due to efforts made to 'clean' up this site. If by some reason you don't see an update on this story seek me out on my WP. Also since I can preschedule things to post on my WP site it is highly likely that some things will be posted there over the Christmas that won't be posted here and chapters of other stories will be posted there earlier._


	13. Chapter 13 - For Better of for Worse

" _Do not be fooled by Mr. Clean over there," he growled. "He's anything but clean. The tiger's always working an angle, he's not to be trusted!"_

" _Leave."_

" _Sookie!"_

" _I said, leave," she warned. "Don't make me repeat it a third time."_

" _I'm sorry, okay," he whispered, trying desperately to make her follow him to a secluded spot away from her bedroom and out of the were-tiger's hearing range, which thankfully, she did. "I suddenly smelt him and lost it with the stench, I meant what I said. He's not to be trusted."_

" _I'm not an idiot," she scowled, her voice equally low. "I know he works for de Castro and I know he's been trying for a hostile takeover here for years." He could only stare back dumbfounded. "You really have to stop undermining my telepathy."_

" _You're helping me? Why?"_

" _We're family," she shrugged. "We take care of our own. You were there for me in the hospital, I owe you."_

 _He grinned, "So we're good?"_

" _Define good?" she returned sceptically, really not in the mood to be felt up in that moment. Her boobs were rather black and blue from the accident and she knew he'd bring it up eventually. Eric Northman never seemed to forget a debt or a promise._

" _This good," he whispered, taking her hand in his and brushing her knuckles with his lips, depositing a soft kiss._

" _Yeah," Sookie smiled back, failing miserably at staying mad, "We're good. Now get out of here."_

 **Chapter 12 - For Better or for Worse**

Vampires and their scheming turned out to be epically boring. Sookie could barely recall the unimpressive details after delivering them all in a detailed and rather factual report to Eric's address. Something with a fire and a vampire whose name sounded more like a brand of tea than anything genuinely scary, and an idiot named Victor was involved. _Really what vampire would continue to call himself Victor post-turning?_ It was a miracle that vampires lived as long as they did considering their terrible attempts at scheming and intrigue. _Well, de Castro wouldn't live long_ , she knew that much, and Eric would be bitterly disappointed to find that Niall had finished the job for him, _nifty little thing that teleporting thing was._ Sending a were-tiger to seduce his favourite great-granddaughter by crashing into her with a car wasn't any way to endear yourself to the Prince of the Fae, and Niall certainly wasn't shy about letting the Supernatural world at large know about it in the most gruesome of ways. _Apparently there was a viral video._

Sookie wasn't quite sure, however, where to place the tiger skin rug Niall had gifted her with on his return. _Maybe Eric would like it as a consolation prize? Or would it just infuriate him further... Well, that was his Christmas or Birthday present sorted._

Inevitably, in their shared absence, Sookie was the one left to deal with Jason and Pam, which was a nightmare, rather, they were a nightmare. The only upside to it was not having to deal with Gran and Godric, and whatever questionable thing they were up to now. Not that she asked _those_ questions, mind you, let alone dared to ponder them.

Tonight's complaints were no different than the ones she heard before, some variation of the following, Pam resented Jason for his severe lack of funds, he resented her for not even being able to boil water without setting fire to the kitchen. Sookie really didn't want to know about their sex lives, but it appeared all was not going as well as it once had in that department either. After a week and a half into their marriage, they apparently had both swiped right on Tinder and got themselves a match, _with each other…_

While being able to coach them somewhat over the phone previously, tonight's Tinder debacle required her actual physical presence. She could overhear Eric's aggravated voice when she slipped into the Barbie Dream House, formerly known as solely Pam's townhouse, to which Sookie now had a set of keys. Annoyingly, a set of cameras were instantly shoved in her face, _no wonder Jason and Pam were going insane_ , Sookie could barely tolerate them for the brief moments she was there.

"Fidelity is part of the deal, Pam!" Eric reminded rather loudly, Sookie guessed, correctly, the lecture was directed at more than his current audience of one, however, judging from Jason's uninterested and reclined position in front of the TV, the other half of the audience clearly wasn't paying attention. "A deal you both agreed to. Our families are tied now, keep it in the family!"

"Does that mean I get to fuck Sookie?" Pam pleaded hopefully, eyeing the latest arrival with a lascivious smile. "Or better yet, Niall?"

"What?" the two Stackhouse siblings cried out in horror. "Niall?!"

"What can I say?" Pam grinned hungrily. "There's something about that dishevelled state of his that makes me want to lick him head to toe."

"Pamela," Eric growled, ceasing all further taunting from the vampiress. "Don't pout!"

"Will you buy me something?" she whimpered, sounding every bit the junkie in the midst of detox. "Please, I need it."

"I can't," he replied rather sternly, putting a small smile on Sookie's face. "You made your bed, now you must lay in it."

"Sook!" her brother greeted more eagerly than she'd ever known before once realising she had arrived. "I'm starving! Cook for me, please?"

"Jas," she sighed, "You can cook yourself."

"It's not the same," he grumbled, then his voice rose exceptionally loud, "Pam won't let me have pizza! I FUCKING love pizza! That has to be a crime against humanity or somethin`"

"It makes you fat," Pam yelled back, "and flatulent! I married you with zero percent body fat and so help me Satan, I will divorce you with zero percent body fat! For better or for worse!"

"See what I have to live with?" he whimpered with puppy eyes, hoping to elicit some sympathy from his sister. "Make me a pie?"

"I can't," she replied in a whisper, catching Eric's rather judging eyes when she nearly conceded. "You two have to figure this out yourselves. Don't you pout, too!"

"But I'm hungry," he whined, looking every bit the wounded little animal. Sookie rolled her eyes, checking on the stock of food in the ample kitchen.

"Jas," she pointed out with a huff. "There's plenty in here to eat!"

"It's all green," he scowled, "and healthy. She rubs me with creams every night!"

"Salad cream?" she asked with a frown, finding the untouched bottle in the fridge. _That really was more Gran and Godric's shtick._ That inevitably made her think of Godric's woolly covered 'shtick,' causing her to suddenly fully understand Jason's lack of appetite with the site before her.

"Anti-age creams," Eric clarified, appearing beside her and holding up an extortionate bill that made her mind boggle. Dr. Ludwig's bill hadn't come anywhere near _that._ "I don't think Pam quite understands the concept of embalming. She makes him bathe in it to keep him 'young', well made. I'm not paying for that. It's not essential."

"Good," she smiled up at him. "Ow! Will you stop following me!" Sookie scowled at the camera crew who appeared out of nowhere after she closed the fridge door.

"Just pretend we're not here," the soundman muttered in a poor show of apology for colliding into her rather brusquely.

"Leave," Eric growled, noticing she was in genuine pain, the bruises of the accident not yet fully healed. Fortunately the threat was enough for them to comply, fangs remaining sheathed for now.

"Wish they'd listen to me like that," Sookie grumbled, rubbing her sore spots. "Can we talk?" she whispered with a glance outdoors, adding a pointed look towards the camera crew that was filming from afar with an unusual amount of interest in the two of them.

"Sure," he grinned with a waggle of his brows that made her head shake. "Let's _talk."_

She rolled her eyes, ignoring the hint of suggestion for now, "I'll be right back, okay, Jas?"

"Are you getting me pizza?" he asked eagerly.

"DON'T GET HIM PIZZA!"

oOoOoOo

"Miss me?" Eric grinned while they walked along the nearby park's edge until Sookie was assured the camera crews remained where they belonged.

"Hardly," she snorted, her tone soon equally taunting, "Had a nice trip?"

"Hardly," he gruffed. "It appears Las Vegas is more of a cocktease than a certain Faery Princess, _if such a thing were possible."_

"Excuse me!" she fumed, stabbing his chest with an accusatory finger. "I am not a cocktease!"

"You really have no idea, do you?" he chuckled disbelievingly. "You make my cock so hard I forget I'm supposed to be soft."

"Gross!" she cried out with a scrunched up face, her hands leaving his body instantly. "Why is it always about penises and boobs with you?"

"Speaking of boobs," he grinned, eyelashes batting with feigned innocence, "I never did get in my fondle, it would certainly make up for Niall fucking Brigant having all the fun without me. Well, some."

"You really should ask Jason for some help with that helpless puppy look," she mocked. "Besides, they're all black and blue right now. There will be no touchage whatsoever."

"You know," he voiced suggestively, "a vampire's tongue has healing properties."

Sookie returned the look, a small smirk hiding among it, "Thanks," she quipped, watching the vampire's eyed beside her grow wide with excitement. "I'll be sure to ask Pam."

Sookie couldn't help but laugh as he fell into a string of foreign curse words, not that she understood them, but she certainly understood their sentiment, especially since he finished up with a, 'Fuck Pam!'

"I don't think I'd go that far," Sookie mused aloud, unimpressed by his outburst, only adding more evidence to her title of Cocktease Supreme. "She's offered though, and I can't help but feel flattered. Maybe if she wasn't married to my brother, there was that one time with Amelia..."

"Fucking hell, Sookie!"

"You're so transparent," she laughed. "No wonder Great-Granddaddy robbed you blind. All I have to do is get you riled up enough by offering something and then take it away, then you lose all sense. See I'm not a cocktease, I'm a _mind tease_."

"You're something alright," he grumbled, the worst of his outrage tempered. "So talk," he finally ground out, hoping to revert them to whatever had them out here.

"The production crew," she started, pointing at her head as the source of her information. "They're shitstirring again. Who do you think told Pam pizza is fattening and that he won't be pretty anymore in a few years without some cosmetology, or that Jason can't really be considered the man of the house if they're living off Daddy's money? Don't get me started on the Tinder scheme, Pam didn't even know what it was until one of the production assistants 'showed' her. Jason couldn't even figure out how to text anything legible last week."

"Fucking humans," he growled. "Why did we agree to this again?"

" _We_ didn't," Sookie pointed out with a tired sigh. "There's only a week or so to go, but they seem intent on driving them apart. Makes for a more interesting show, I guess."

"I can glamour them to stop, release my command that stops Pam from doing so, too."

"There's too many of them and they swap out shifts all the time, you know that. They document all that stuff and share the footage to who knows who at this point. You'd finish glamouring one and have to start all over again."

She emitted another sigh and took a seat on a park bench, encouraging him to join her.

"You want them together?" he voiced sceptically, not sure how happy he truly was with this arrangement either. _Sitting next to Sookie though, was nice, she'd need a different coat though, it was covering up far too much._ Was he _flaccid?_

"They seemed to like each other at first, even Tinder thinks they're a match, but it doesn't really matter," Sookie replied, wondering if he was even listening at this point, considering his fixed gaze at her chest. "They should be able to figure it out without the production crew casting doubt all the time. It's one thing to document them, it's another to softly script people's lives when they're looking for something real."

"What are you proposing?"

"It's nearly the weekend, I figured we'd give 'em a little escape from Big Brother. I pop them away somewhere, but I seriously doubt Pam will be tolerable in Gran's old farmstead." One look at Jason's house, quickly dubbed a windy shithole by the vampiress, and there had been no room for argument that they'd be living in her house for the duration of the social experiment.

"I know a place, it's not too far," he nodded in agreement, and giving her a sidelong look, he offered suggestively, "Does this mean we get to come along and supervise? You can have the top bunk, I do so enjoy a woman on top."

"You wish!" she yelled out with mock disgust while he laughed at her. "Seriously though, Pam's been surprisingly good with the feeding off him thing, I think they should be fine without us. A bit of trust will do them good."

"So in a sense, you want to gift them with another honeymoon? Sounds an awful lot like indulgence."

Her brow quirked up at him, "Who are you and what have you done to Eric Northman?"

"Could say the same for you," he grinned. "You almost appear reasonable. _Almost_."

The scowl on her face didn't last long when she found her feet again, "Don't get your hopes up, Buddy! Let's head back and put out the latest of their little fires."

"And pray tell, how do you propose we do that?"

"Simple," she shrugged, "We pick up a pizza, get Pam something she really wants on the way back, it's not like this city ever sleeps, and teach them the meaning of three little words that keep any relationship going, or maybe it's two?"

"Which are?"

"Silly vampire," she tittered. "What else? Make-up sex."

 _And fuck if he wasn't hard. Again._

* * *

 **A/N: I hope you all enjoyed, depriving Jason of pizza surely is a crime against humanity… I'll have to check with the UN. What can I say about Niall… poor Eric loses out again :D At least working together seems to be working for Eric and Sookie. More next time!**

 **Thanks to msbuffy as ever!**


	14. Chapter 14 - Pink

" _You want them together?" he voiced sceptically, not sure how happy he truly was with this arrangement either. Sitting next to Sookie though, was nice, she'd need a different coat though, it was covering up far too much. Was he flaccid?_

" _They seemed to like each other at first, even Tinder thinks they're a match, but it doesn't really matter," Sookie replied, wondering if he was even listening at this point, considering his fixed gaze at her chest. "They should be able to figure it out without the production crew casting doubt all the time. It's one thing to document them, it's another to softly script people's lives when they're looking for something real."_

" _What are you proposing?"_

" _It's nearly the weekend, I figured we'd give 'em a little escape from Big Brother. I pop them away somewhere, but I seriously doubt Pam will be tolerable in Gran's old farmstead." One look at Jason's house, quickly dubbed a windy shithole by the vampiress, and there had been no room for argument that they'd be living in her house for the duration of the social experiment._

" _I know a place, it's not too far," he nodded in agreement, and giving her a sidelong look, he offered suggestively, "Does this mean we get to come along and supervise? You can have the top bunk, I do so enjoy a woman on top."_

" _You wish!" she yelled out with mock disgust while he laughed at her. "Seriously though, Pam's been surprisingly good with the feeding off him thing, I think they should be fine without us. A bit of trust will do them good."_

" _So in a sense, you want to gift them with another honeymoon? Sounds an awful lot like indulgence."_

 _Her brow quirked up at him, "Who are you and what have you done to Eric Northman?"_

" _Could say the same for you," he grinned. "You almost appear reasonable. Almost."_

 _The scowl on her face didn't last long when she found her feet again, "Don't get your hopes up, Buddy! Let's head back and put out the latest of their little fires."_

" _And pray tell, how do you propose we do that?"_

" _Simple," she shrugged, "We pick up a pizza, get Pam something she really wants on the way back, it's not like this city ever sleeps, and teach them the meaning of three little words that keep any relationship going, or maybe it's two?"_

" _Which are?"_

" _Silly vampire," she tittered. "What else? Make-up sex."_

 _And fuck if he wasn't hard. Again._

 **Chapter 13 - Pink**

When they returned, Pam voiced a sentiment that Eric, let alone Sookie, would ever think they would hear, "Jason is a genius!"

The pair looked her over curiously, wondering if Pam had finally gone insane under the scrutiny of the cameras. She didn't even jump at the bag full of goodies from her favourite store or object to the pizza in Eric's hands.

"Do it again, baby!" she chimed excitedly, cueing Jason to burst into song, confirming to Eric and Sookie they'd both gone insane until they saw the production crew put down their equipment in annoyance.

"If we sing," Pam grinned triumphantly, "they have to pay royalties and they're about as cheap as you Stackhouses. _Almost_."

Sookie shrugged, "I guess we're no longer needed."

"Pizza," Eric grinned, opening the box in offering up to Sookie.

"Don't mind if I doooo-ooo!" Jason sang gleefully, snatching the pizza out of his grasp with an exaggerated sway to his hips. "Aaaah love to love you, baby!"

"Diamond choker?" Sookie offered back feebly, only to find it missing from her hand.

"Wasn't really my style anyway," Eric shrugged, eyeing the camera crew picking up their gear gleefully with their lack of bursting out in song, he added, "Let's get the fuck out of here before we're extras in a fucking musical. Eric Northman does not sing."

Sookie smiled, "Probably for the best, no one wants to hear me sing."

"I sincerely doubt that," he indulged while opening the door for her only to be proven wrong when she sang her thanks in return.

"Come on," he grimaced. "Let's get drunk."

oOoOoOo

"This was a terrible plan," Sookie slurred.

"This was an excellent plan."

"I'm really, really drunk. Why aren't you drunk?"

"You only had one glass," he said with a frown, regarding the table between them that held his glass of blood, minus one courtesy sip, and her gin and tonic, "and unless this is fresh faery blood I'm unlikely to get drunk."

"I'm not supposed to drink with my medication!" she cried out. "I forgot!"

"Calm down," Eric urged. "I'm calling Dr. Ludwig, I'm sure it'll be fine."

He was soon greeted by the ever 'friendly' bedside manner that was uniquely Ludwig, simultaneously shooing away the waiter with a hint of fang who was taking far too much interest in Sookie and her complicated drink order.

"Let's get you home," he announced, tossing a few bills on the table as soon as he hung up his phone. "Ludwig says you'll be fine with a bit of rest and fluids. I assume she meant water."

"NO!" she cried out in protest. "Great-Grandaddy is there, and he'll kill me! He worries too much, since the accident it's only gotten worse."

"You can't _not_ go home," he pointed out. "That will only worry him more."

"He thinks I'm at Jason's," she whispered with harried eyes. "Please, Eric, I can't go home. Just drop me at a hotel or something. Jason will fib for me. Lord knows I've covered his ass often enough."

"Dr. Ludwig said not to leave you unsupervised, so even without that advice I'm not leaving you on your own. Let's go," he instructed with an outreached hand.

"Where are we going?" she smiled, with… _was that mischief? Why couldn't Sober Sookie be more like Drunk Sookie?_

Sporting a similar look, he indulged in a husky tone, "My house."

"Well, lead the way," she giggled, running out in front of him. _Fuck, he loved drunk Sookie! Well, liked,_ _ **strongly**_ _liked._

oOoOoOo

"This room is pink!" Sookie huffed.

"It's Pam's room. Something wrong?" he posed curiously, only stopping himself in time of inviting her to the only other bedroom available, _his_. Drunk Sookie was fun, but Sober Sookie surely would be scary to wake up to. Regenerating his dick was not on the agenda.

"It's pink," she repeated with an angry frown. "I hate pink."

He shrugged, "It's Pam's favourite colour, used to be the colour for boys in her day."

Despite the hushed tone of conspiracy Sookie's response, it came out exceptionally loud, "It's Jason's, too!" she giggled. "Don't tell anyone, I only know it from his mind."

"Is that so?" Eric posed indulgently while tucking her under the comforter that she continued to fight against.

"It's not a surprise really," she yawned. "It's the colour of lady bits."

"Incidentally," he laughed, "that's the same reasoning for Pam's favour of the colour."

"Ugh," Sookie groaned and was interrupted with another yawn. "Those two are just sickeningly perfect for each other. I hate them and their happy little marriage. Why couldn't it be me, Eric?"

Her lips wobbled while her eyes seemed wetter than normal, and under different circumstances he'd find the sight comical, but somehow it elicited some long-lost sympathy for her lonely state, "You'll find your Mr. Right sometime, at the very least someone to drive insane on a regular basis."

"What if I never find him?" she whined, babbling nonsensically about missed opportunities, stupid man brains, and their gross thoughts.

"Then you'll have me, Mr. Grumpy, ready and waiting at your beck and call," he promised, with a soft caress of her forehead, checking her temperature wasn't elevated beyond normal.

"Promise?" Sookie whispered, holding onto his hand.

"Promise," he assured. "It only makes sense that I trade in Pam for a new pain in my ass."

"Ok," she giggled. "Night now, Mr. Grumpy."

He held a tight smile before kissing the top of her forehead, "Sleep now, drunky. Remember we have to do interviews tomorrow."

oOoOoOo

"She said what?!"

"If you like, we can play the footage back for you," the production crew assistant, _Jeff, Biff, Stephen?_ offered all too eagerly.

"Please," Eric spat out. Fuck! He hated every second of these 'interviews'. He'd thought the 'how do your fangs work?' questions were annoying, but these idiots were beyond anything else. Who the fuck cared how he felt when he saw Pam in her wedding dress. It was a fucking dress!

" _So tell us, Sookie, what happened when you and Eric left?"_

" _After the spontaneous pizza party?" she asked with an eye roll. "What do you think happened?"_

" _Well, what we think isn't very important, but the viewers at home like to know these things. We have footage of you leaving his home the next day, wearing the same clothes, but we don't know what happened there that night."_

" _What? That we got drunk? Slept together?" Sookie huffed. "What else do you want to know? Yes, his penis was tiny, and disappointingly small for such a LARGE man. Never been so unsatisfied in my life."_

The screen faded to black while Eric emitted a poorly contained growl. "Does this look small?" he demanded angrily, dropping his pants for all to see. Eric knew he was nothing like his Maker, but Godric clearly was a freak of nature who had to be turned before reaching adulthood because surely in its fully intended length, the man was certain to pass out with any hint of excitement. The camera crew only managed to gape at him in silence instead. Insecurely he squeaked, "Does it?"

They never managed an answer, the incident quickly glamoured out of their minds, and any footage was erased in a calmly contained rage. He couldn't give a fuck anymore that he'd only finished up half the allotted time for his interview. Instead he flew to his former home, now Sookie's, demanding an explanation.

Landing on the balcony, without thought he ripped the expansive sliding door to the penthouse from its frame with excessive force, screaming at the top of his lungs, "Sookie, does this look small to you?"

"Well, Good evening to you, too, Mr. Northman," Gran greeted from her perched seat on the sofa. His Maker merely raised an amused brow. Adele took a leisurely sip from her tea cup, eyeing his package with interest over the porcelain rim, and with a giggle she offered, "You haven't been around many faeries, have you?"

Hastily his pants were pulled up while he muttered some sort of apology, though in all fairness he didn't know exactly what he was apologising for, and the elderly women only seemed amused, far from offended. Eric remained as confused as ever. _What the fuck was that giggle about anyhow, and what did she mean not being around faeries, were they freakishly large? And where the fuck was Sookie?_

"Eric, what are you doing here?" the girl in question interrupted his thoughts, holding a tray full of foods and some of those blood pastries that were little more than congealed synthetic blood they always insisted on serving everywhere, that frankly were an insult to the palate. Suddenly her rather welcoming face grew angry following the sight of the sliding door that lay in pieces on the balcony, surrounded by shattered glass, adding, "Why the hell did you flash Gran?!"

"I don't think he meant to, dear," Gran defended gently in an effort to keep the peace.

"That still doesn't explain why he couldn't use the doorbell like anybody else," she spat out angrily while dumping the tray on the coffee table with a little too much force, rattling the dishes.

"There was an emergency, wasn't there, Mr. Northman?" Gran hinted.

"Oh, stop it, Gran!" Sookie interrupted, whispering with a hiss, "Even without the telepathy I can spot a lie a mile away on you. Don't worry, I'll play nice." She stood up, brushing imaginary crumbs off her lap before offering politely, "Mr. Northman, please sit," adding under her breath, "While I try to find an emergency repairman."

"Eric will see to that," Godric spoke sternly, making Sookie remember there really was no use to whispering under her own breath around the Supernatural. "Won't you, Eric?"

"Of course," he agreed, getting up to make the phone call then and there. "Excuse me."

"So," Sookie smiled, sporting the crazy one that pretended all was well. "Where were we?"

oOoOoOo

With a large sigh, Sookie closed the door on a cheery Gran and Godric. She wasn't quite sure how to digest their news. Sure, she wanted Gran happy and she certainly seemed happier than she'd ever known the woman to be, but where was she supposed to live when Godric moved into the old homestead back in Louisiana? Not that Gran was kicking her out, but the thought of having to constantly avoid her thoughts would be too tiring, the stray thought of where to buy a sex swing had done enough damage already and they'd only been there for an hour or so. She had this gargantuan property that once belonged to Eric, and it even housed most of her things now but she doubted that it would ever feel like home, nor had she any desire to leave Bon Temps permanently. If Jason messed up, would it even be hers anymore? _Maybe Sam would rent her one of those shitty condos of his?_

"He'll return in the morning, finish up with all the necessary materials," Eric interrupted her thoughts. "Does that work for you?"

"Eh, sure," she responded absently. When she looked up, Eric had already shooed the worker she'd barely taken notice of out the door, and carefully came to sit beside her. "Can I get you anything?"

"You don't have to be polite anymore," he offered. "Come on, let me have it."

"I don't think I'm in the mood," she sighed, letting her body fall back into the couch, hugging a large throw pillow in her arms for comfort. "As long as it's fixed, I don't really care."

"I'll go then."

"Stay?" she whispered, adding vulnerably, "Please?"

"Very well," he agreed, pulling his arm over her shoulders and tucking her into his side. They were quiet for a while, staring at the large piece of plywood that was covering the million dollar view. "Sookie, am I small?"

"Small?" she asked in confusion.

"My." Cough. "Penis." Cough.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"I saw your interview," he spoke lowly.

"Oh," she whispered with realisation, eyes growing wide.

"Yes, oh!" Eric was back at full anger, feeling the insult as strongly as when he first heard her utter the words on the monitor, especially since she seemed to be laughing hysterically now, only adding the proverbial injury to the insult. "I don't know what you think you remember with that drunk brain of yours-"

"Stop," she giggled. "I remember perfectly well what happened last night."

"Why the hell are you spreading false rumours that I'm small then?" he demanded testily.

"Cool your tits, Eric," she huffed. "By the sounds of it, your 'interview' was as enjoyable as mine. I was annoyed, they were asking about us. It's none of their business." Never mind the fact that Sookie had no real answers to those rather impertinent questions surrounding her and Eric, nor did she really wish to contemplate those answers. "I voiced his inner thoughts. I do it sometimes. I know it's rude, but if someone pisses me off it's the best way to shut them up. Scares them shitless, though I did make someone shit their pants once."

A look of relief fell over the otherwise imperturbable vampire, "So I'm not small. Good to know."

"Well, I never really saw," she shrugged. "I'm sure it's perfectly adequate."

"Adequate? Who the fuck wants to be adequate?" he growled out, ruffled once more. "This is worse than the time you called me nice!"

"I never called you nice! You're anything but nice!" she retorted, face flushing with both the excitement of the fight and her innate ire that took little to fire up.

"You lumped me in with that pudgy best man!" he cried out. "First night we met!"

"Hoyt? I thought you were gay," she reminded with a huff. "I _thought_ you'd share my dislike of nice men as a long-term partner!"

"You need to communicate clearer!" he accused.

"Says you?" she laughed, standing up to pace the room in an effort to expel the escalating energy in her body. "You talk plenty, but you don't communicate a thing!"

"I want you!" Eric declared with a deafening volume, coming to stand just before her, stopping her in her tracks. "Clear enough for you?"

"Crystal!" she bit back, eyes narrowing. "And it's exactly why we'll never be anything but weirdly related through Jason and Pam!"

"What? Why?"

"Your fun is in wanting me, not having me!" she retorted.

"Bullshit!"

"You said it last night!" she reminded. "You'd only have me if no one else would want me. I may have been loopy, but I remember everything, crystal fucking clear!"

"That is not what I said!" Eric protested. "You're just hearing what you want to hear! You're so obsessed with finding the idea of Mr. Right you don't even bother to look what's in front of you!"

"What?" she laughed mockingly, "You think you're my Mr. Right? All we do is fight!"

"Just think of the make-up sex," he pointed out with a lascivious grin.

"That's all it comes down to with you, isn't it? Sex, sex, sex!"

"Well, it would be nice to have some!" Eric declared, adding for _clarity,_ "With you!"

She rolled her eyes, "And that'll do what exactly?"

"Prove to you once and for all that all the fun is in having you! That I'll be here tomorrow and the night after that! That this is more than an interesting fuck! That I'm fucking playing for keeps!"

She stared him down, the tense silence between them rising as chests panted heavily with the strain from their voices, and calmly she challenged, "Prove it!"

"Right, he replied with a surprised startle. "Let's fuck! Right now!"

"Fine!" she bellowed back.

"Fine!"

Neither one made a move from their standstill, the silence paralysing them both with the ramifications of what they were about to embark upon.

"Right," Sookie voiced self-consciously, surprisingly sedate. "Where do we start?"

He shrugged, offering, "Bedroom?"

"Bedroom, it is," she nodded in agreement, as if they were discussing a business proposition. "Follow me."

Eric took a brief second to take in the new floral decor that was once his very masculine master bedroom before launching them both onto the bed. Pulling at clothes while fusing his mouth to hers. Her hands pushed against his chest, "Will you stop trying to chew half my face off?"

"If you responded a little, I wouldn't be the one doing all the work!" She glared back angrily, later he'd blame his instant voiced apology on the dishevelled sight of her, one arm half in her blouse, breasts half out of her lacy bra, lipstick smeared everywhere, and hair roughed just the way he liked. Now, he simply sought out her lips again, gently, and coaxing a response, delighting himself with the sound of a genuine moan, and finding her hands roaming his body and pulling rather ineffectively at his clothes.

"Can't wait to slip into your wet little cunt," he growled into her ear.

Sookie gasped, halting all his century-practiced skills from touching and exciting her any further, "You can't say that!"

"Well, I'm not saying pussy! I fucking hate cats!"

"You can't say that either!"

"Right, Ms. Sensibility," he growled, tossing off his shirt and making quick work of his pants, hoping his rather impressive physique - _how could it be anything but, he was fucking done doubting himself-_ would shut her up once and for all, and they could finally get to the fucking already. He was rather pleased when her eyes widened slightly at the sight of him. He tugged at her skirt, "Do you prefer 'bring me your vulva'?"

"What!" she cried out, stopping him from pulling her skirt down any further. In frustration, he simply flipped it up, caging her body with his. "Do you even understand the female anatomy? And 'bring'? What the fuck?"

"Yes, _fuck_ ," he growled. "It's what I'm trying for here!"

"Well, I suggest you try it with someone else!" Frantically she tried to cover her bottom half again, noting with confusion, "Why are your socks still on?"

"Stop fighting me!" he growled, fearing the skirt was about to rip in pieces with their tug of war.

"Why?"

"It's making me way too fucking hard! That's why!"

"You've got some real problems up there, Buddy!"

"FUCK!" he grunted in part anger and part relief, only to be flooded with disappointment as his semen jetted out all over her stomach.

"GROSS!" she screamed with the sudden wet and cold fluid hitting her heated skin. "Don't use your shirt! Just stop already! This so isn't happening!"

"Hold still, we'll start again!"

"Oh, no!" Sookie popped herself away to the bathroom where hastily she cleaned herself off while Eric insistently knocked on her door, only restraining himself so much from ripping another door from its hinges. _This was fucking happening, come hell or high water._ "Just go away! Don't make me rescind your invitation! Night, Eric, I'd say it was a blast... Well, I guess it kind of was."

He grimaced, embarrassed all over again by his premature release. Fuck if only she'd give him another chance. "I'm not leaving you unsatisfied!"

"Don't worry about me. I have my ways. Just leave already!" she screamed through the door.

"Why use fingers when you have me?" he tried relentlessly. "Just open the door, Sookie, and we'll start again."

"Who said anything about fingers?" she replied with little thought, smacking herself on the forehead with the slip. His interest peaked instantly, swooshing over to her bedside table in moments. "Don't go through my drawers!" she screamed, angrily banging the door open and striding over to him in her bathrobe.

"Afraid I might find this?" he grinned triumphantly, waving the sex toy _, not pink_ , in the air and out of her reach. "Thor? The God of Thunder? I commend you on your taste."

"I don't even know how that got there," she stammered with flushed cheeks, _very pink_.

"Right," he replied all too knowingly, switching on the vibrator and letting the low buzz fill the room. "Now open wide."

"Gross, Eric! Fine, Gran gave it to me," Sookie huffed, shoving his rumpled up clothing from the floor against his naked body, suggesting he best get leaving, only for it to drop by his feet. _Why the hell was he still wearing his socks?_ "I've never used it! I swear!"

"Sure," he grinned, taking an elongated sniff. "Doesn't smell of you at all."

"Oh, just give it back."

Surprisingly, he switched it off and handed it back to her while she hastily tried to disguise its entire existence in the pocket of her bathrobe as if nothing had just occurred while he slipped on his pants and dirtied shirt, knowing nothing was going to salvage this night now, watching her grimace slightly at the wet stains on his shirt. Casually he spoke, "You should really read the portfolio of the company you now have a board seat to."

"What?" she said in confusion, following him out to the front door.

"The vibrator, Thor," he goaded, causing her to flush all over again. "I make it, well, we make it. Hate to break it to you, Ms. Prim and Proper, but you've been getting off on my not-so-tiny cock for years now."

"Oh, get out!" she screamed, throwing the vibrator at his head for good measure. "And stick that where the sun don't shine!"

His eyebrows merely rose up in amusement as she slammed the door on him, pocketing the vibrator with a grin as he went.

oOoOoOo

Eric was rather surprised to see Sookie's name appear on his caller ID the next day. He'd assumed the first interaction they'd be having would be under circumstances she absolutely could not avoid, and he'd already been trying to convince Godric to celebrate his moving in with Adele somehow in the very near future, forcing them in the same room. _Might even bring Thor._

"Sookie?" he questioned, despite the evidence he was sure she hadn't meant to call him.

"I wanted to thank you for sending Alcide," she spoke rather calmly, friendly almost, as if nothing had happened.

"Sorry about the damage, again," Eric replied apologetically, hoping a little grovelling would further aid his attempt of bedding her again. _He was so fucking close. Don't mention Thor!_ "Is everything back in order now?"

"That too."

Eric swore he could hear her grin on the other end of the line. "Too?"

"I was thanking you for sending Alcide," she repeated, this time the slight lilt and laugh was clearly detectable in her voice.

Genuinely confused, he said, "I don't understand."

"I told you I had my ways. Far more satisfying than Thor ever was," she informed with a giant grin, and for the first time in her life swiftly hung up the phone without a courtesy goodbye.

* * *

 **A/N: Apologies, I posted this yesterday on my blog but completely forgot about posting it here.**

 **Factually pink wasn't a boys' colour in Victorian times as per the popular myth but it suited my needs in this chapter… and on that note I'll be off hiding somewhere far away since even msbuffy was feeling a little bad for Eric not getting into those tightly held legs of Sookie's…**

 **Thanks to msbuffy for her work on this!**


	15. Chapter 15 - One, Two

" _Oh, just give it back."_

 _Surprisingly, he switched it off and handed it back to her while she hastily tried to disguise its entire existence in the pocket of her bathrobe as if nothing had just occurred while he slipped on his pants and dirtied shirt, knowing nothing was going to salvage this night now, watching her grimace slightly at the wet stains on his shirt. Casually he spoke, "You should really read the portfolio of the company you now have a board seat to."_

" _What?" she said in confusion, following him out to the front door._

" _The vibrator, Thor," he goaded, causing her to flush all over again. "I make it, well, we make it. Hate to break it to you, Ms. Prim and Proper, but you've been getting off on my not-so-tiny cock for years now."_

" _Oh, get out!" she screamed, throwing the vibrator at his head for good measure. "And stick that where the sun don't shine!"_

 _His eyebrows merely rose up in amusement as she slammed the door on him, pocketing the vibrator with a grin as he went._

 _oOoOoOo_

 _Eric was rather surprised to see Sookie's name appear on his caller ID the next day. He'd assumed the first interaction they'd be having would be under circumstances she absolutely could not avoid, and he'd already been trying to convince Godric to celebrate his moving in with Adele somehow in the very near future, forcing them in the same room. Might even bring Thor._

" _Sookie?" he questioned, despite the evidence he was sure she hadn't meant to call him._

" _I wanted to thank you for sending Alcide," she spoke rather calmly, friendly almost, as if nothing had happened._

" _Sorry about the damage, again," Eric replied apologetically, hoping a little grovelling would further aid his attempt of bedding her again. He was so fucking close. Don't mention Thor! "Is everything back in order now?"_

" _That too."_

 _Eric swore he could hear her grin on the other end of the line. "Too?"_

" _I was thanking you for sending Alcide," she repeated, this time the slight lilt and laugh was clearly detectable in her voice._

 _Genuinely confused, he said, "I don't understand."_

" _I told you I had my ways. Far more satisfying than Thor ever was," she informed with a giant grin, and for the first time in her life swiftly hung up the phone without a courtesy goodbye._

 **Chapter 14 - One, Two**

"YOU BASTARD!" Sookie screamed with complete abandon, storming into his office despite a secretary trying to hold her back, her anger continuing to rise high until the satisfying and resounding sound of a smack hitting a cheek, hard, was heard.

Eric merely raised his brows with an amused grin, adjusting his jaw for show while her hand burned with pain, greeting, "Your Highness."

"I apologise," she stammered, suddenly, _not to Eric, the bastard,_ only then noticing the other people in the room regarding her with confusion. Weakly Sookie offered, pointing to the waiting area, "I'll wait… out there?"

The frazzled secretary saw her out, offering drinks she continued to refuse while fidgeting on the uncomfortable sofa, the jitters of events past refusing to leave her nervous limbs. The charming bastard was jovial, as ever, laughing his appointment off fifteen minutes later before regarding the squirming faery waiting for him. A little high on the power of it all, regally he bowed, waving her into his office while she moved past him with a rather loud huff, chuckling after her as he did.

"I can't believe you!" Sookie cried out as soon as the door closed on them. "You've gone too far!"

"The wolf?" he asked, stretching back leisurely in his oversized chair.

"YES!" she continued to fume. "Alcide! How could you!"

He shrugged, "I don't know what you're whining about. All we did was chat."

"In a Were bar!" she exclaimed, as if he were particularly dense. "In front of his entire pack, and then some! You humiliated him, when you knew I was bullshitting!"

"Were you now?" he grinned all too knowingly, the picture of supreme satisfaction. The wolf had squealed all too quickly and easily after all. The filthy thing had wanted his paws all over Sookie but hadn't even gotten close. _Thankfully._

"Does it even matter? You just announced to the entire Supernatural world you'd kill them if they so much as look at me! Despite these ridiculous fang marks that refuse to heal, I'm not your property Eric Northman!"

"Shame," he shrugged, offering with a leer, "Would make this a lot more fun now, wouldn't it? If I remember right you were the one insisting you'd keep those marks."

"You don't get it, do you?" she cried out in anger, her arms shaking by her side, nails digging into her palms with the frustration of it all. "I just had to pop away from a jealous ex Were bitch named Debbie Pelt who was about to shove a shotgun full of iron in my face!"

Eric was in front of her instantly, looking her over for any damage with genuine worry. "Are you okay?" he asked, voice full of concern while she desperately tried not to burst into tears then and there, adamantly refusing to allow the threat of it all to impact her, even if it already had.

"I don't know what would have happened if Niall wasn't there," she whispered, teeth firmly clenched on her bottom lip in an effort to keep it still.

"I'll kill her," he growled. "No one touches you!"

"Great-Granddaddy's ahead of you again," she apologised, melting into his embrace and keeping him firmly glued to his spot, despite wanting to rip furs from bodies one excruciating inch at a time. Sookie was genuinely surprised by the amount of comfort he was able to offer when his arms came to embrace her. "Sorry."

His hand trailed through her hair, urging her to calm while tempering his own rage, desire to call Niall and demand at least a bloody limb to beat the Were bitch's entire pack with, and bring hell down on that stupid co-op board that had refused the security measures he had insisted on when it was still his home. _It was all their fucking fault!_

Her wet eyes looked up at him when his hand seemed stuck in off-mode, hovering midway in the air, "Eric, what exactly are we doing?"

His brow seemed stuck in askew when he answered with the same tone of hesitance, "You tell me, it's not like I do this on a regular basis."

"This has to stop," she replied with a shake of her head, as if gathering her thoughts. "Other people are getting hurt, and if I hadn't talked some sense into Niall we might be anticipating a Were war."

"What do you propose?" he asked carefully, fearful of the answer.

She surprised him instead, kissing him ever so gently, pulling away only to stare at his wondrous eyes full of hope, and whispering sadly, "This has to be goodbye." With an audible pop, his office was suddenly surprisingly empty. He didn't like it one bit. _Pam was getting herself a new fur coat tonight!_

oOoOoOo

"You like him, don't you?" Claudine enquired over a cup of tea.

It had been days later, but the nerves over the Debbie Pelt incident had yet to leave Sookie despite her best efforts. "What?" she managed to stammer out without her own tea flying out at projectile speeds.

"Mr. Northman," Claudine clarified with a rarefied smile. "Don't act dumb now."

"I'm not!" Sookie insisted feebly. Claudine merely raised her brows in response. "Ok, maybe I do. Not that I can do anything about it now, we both screwed up royally."

"You had a false start, that's all," Claudine dismissed. "Look at you; new job, new home, new city. Why not add a new guy to that lineup, at least that part would be of your choosing? He certainly seems interested enough."

"Maybe," she sighed with a small smile.

oOoOoOo

"Do you do this often?" she asked while opening the newly replaced sliding door to the balcony for him. "You look very strange, just hovering out there."

"Didn't mean to come in. Just wanted to make sure you were safe," he explained. "You're a magnet for trouble after all."

"I thought I told you goodbye the other day," she said when it didn't appear that he'd move much beyond the two feet over the threshold. "I meant it."

"Vampires don't say goodbye, things are never final with us," he shrugged. "Well, a true death is. Never say goodbye then either, never really enough time. You're stuck with me, deal with it."

"What can I do for you, Eric?" she asked with a polite smile, curling up on the sofa and indicating he find himself a seat already.

"I think I may have found a use for your telepathy," he started. "There's been some errors in the accounting department, money's missing-"

"Really?" she posed disbelievingly, causing him to look slightly offended. "You're not a bad liar, but I can still tell."

"Is that so?" he spoke in amusement. If any other person had told him this he'd be severely offended, but the fact that it was Sookie somehow made it just fine.

"No human is stupid enough to steal from you. I heard it from their minds, they love working for you! I wish I had benefits like that when I worked for Sam. The Weres are scared shitless, so that leaves a bunch of vampires as your prime subjects for which I'm useless. I figured you'd show up here sooner or later with some flimsy excuse."

"Ah," he grinned. "I forgot how perceptive you are."

"And I forgot how obtuse you can be sometimes," she laughed, only proving the statement with his look of total confusion. "Get over here and kiss me."

"Why would I do that?" he teased, his lips hovering achingly close over hers.

"I'm demanding my benefits, Mr. Northman."

"I do hope these aren't the benefits you were hoping for with the shifter," he replied with a growl.

She pulled him to her, hands satisfyingly embedding themselves in the thick leather of his jacket, "Just shut up and kiss me already!"

Eric didn't need to be told twice. Sookie certainly came more than once, not a sock, _pink or otherwise,_ in sight.

oOoOoOo

"No! Absolutely not!"

"Eric, I'm your Maker, you cannot refuse me this!"

"You lost your ability to command me a long time ago. I'm saying no."

"Eric!"

"No!" he yelled back, disconnecting and shutting off the phone in quick succession.

"What was that about?" Sookie asked, failing to meet his eyes and leaving Eric perplexed as to why she was suddenly so shy.

She should have known it was all a dream, _on account of the missing socks._ A missing Thor once awake hadn't helped ease the ache the dream caused either. Now she was here in his office at Niall's insistence, _of course_ , to help out with some blackmailing witch while desperately not trying to remember those moving lips all over her body that had been nothing more than a figment of her imagination.

Eric had been politely distant after the Debbie Pelt incident. Sookie hadn't dared ask for specific details, but she had heard rumours of a V-addiction and a rival pack of Alcide's had been taken out in the process. Strangely Alcide had been quite happy with how events had unfolded when she called to apologise. In fact he'd tried to ask her out, though flattered as she was, she politely declined.

"Godric wants me to produce a musical," he answered, turning back to her while leaning against his desk, without a leer or a flirting glance in the process. Sookie hated to admit that she kind of missed it and the banter they usually engaged in. This weird standstill was highly disconcerting. "It's not happening."

"Why not?" she protested "This town is all about musicals! I love musicals!"

"Of course you do," he growled with a roll of his eyes, flopping down next to her in exasperation. _Again with the respectable distance, Eric Northman and respectable really didn't belong in the same room, especially not after all he did to her in last night's dream._ "It's a musical based on Adele's book. Rick and Flannele can go fuck on someone else's stage."

"Oh that's just all sorts of wrong!" she agreed with horror, instantly cured of all occupying sexual thoughts about the vampire before her. "Where do they come up with this stuff?"

"Where else?" he shrugged. "Pam, Jason, and their chorus line inspired them."

"Figures," Sookie sighed, gulping down her water in an attempt to cool her heated self. "So Great-Granddaddy said you needed help with a witch?"

"That's why you're here?" he asked, sounding almost… _disappointed?_ Eric had perked up substantially when she saw her name come up in his appointment roster, unsure quite what to expect. Hope proved idle after all. "I don't need your help with that."

"He was rather insistent."

"I'll take care of it," he warned in a clipped tone.

"No!" she protested. "If Niall wants me here then he has good cause! What does that witch want anyway?"

"What everyone else wants," he dismissed. "A piece of the Eric Northman pie."

"She wants her grubby little mitts all over you?" Sookie spat out after catching up with his exact meaning with distaste thanks to a demonstrative waggle of his brows. The hint of jealousy that laced her tone feeding his ego far more than it should.

"That," he grinned, "or a piece of the company."

"She can just go buy herself a 'Thor' like the rest of us," she huffed petulantly, adding under her breath, "Spoiled ass bitch." Eric sensibly refrained from commenting, watching her with quiet amusement instead, and causing Sookie to exclaim, "What?"

"Nothing," he mumbled. "Shall I see you out?"

"We're not done here, buddy!" Sookie exclaimed. "If she wants a piece of the Eric Northman pie, that nasty little witch is going to have to go through me!" She coloured a little red at the sight of his satisfied grin, forcing her to amend, "It's my company too now, you know!"

"Well, I was just going to have sex with the bitch and be done with it," he replied with a waggle of his brow. "But since you insist…"

"You're as likely to sleep with her as I was with Alcide!" she ground out, arms crossed defensively under her chest. The smug bastard, who hadn't changed after all, had been letting his eyes linger again. S _queezing them up and together would surely keep them there…_

"Regardless, it's too dangerous," he pointed out. "I'll call you if I have need of you."

"No! Niall-"

"Will surely voice the same objections as soon as I explain the dangers this can pose to his most precious great-granddaughter only just recovering from a car accident," he finished for her in a grating patronising tone. Holding up his phone he taunted, "Shall I call him right now?"

"No," she whined, defeat slumping her shoulders. "I still think you're making a mistake. Let me know everything went okay after?"

"It almost sounds like you care," he grinned.

"Of course I care!" she exclaimed, hastily adding, "About the company, of course! I'm a board member after all!"

"Sure," he chuckled, getting up and pulling a file from his desk along with a non-descript postage box. "Speaking of, since you seem to be an expert user I'd like you to look over these proposed designs. Just pop your thoughts in the margins."

She regarded him curiously, accepting the sealed box and file, and taking a quick glance at the contents. Her face instantly became red again, though Eric was quite unsure whether it was anger or embarrassment, not that he cared, the colour suited her either way. _It was his favourite colour after all._

"Bastard!"

The term was getting a little old, _he was already considering naming the newly modelled Thor that resided in the box Bastard instead_ , but he couldn't help laugh when she dramatically exited with another pop and a rather audible huff. Normally he'd mourn that she was suddenly gone, but interestingly enough, so was the box full of toys.

oOoOoOo

Sookie screamed out with fright. She'd woken hazily, but with sheer terror, after another dream about Eric, of course. She and her seriously twisted subconscious needed to have a conversation about that sometime soon. The dream, _perfectly nice as it had been,_ hadn't been the source of the sudden outcry though.

"Who are you and what are you doing in my home?"

"Eric?" she cried out, scrambling for the light to see the sudden presence match the voice that had invaded her bed. The worst of her nerves waned with the knowledge that she hadn't just been woken by a complete stranger intending God knows what, though he seemed to be regarding her with the same amount of confusion that she was feeling. "Your home? This hasn't been your home for weeks now! Did you gulp down on some other faery?!"

"If only," he grinned, eyeing her lasciviously, eyes stuck on her breasts for far too long, _naturally,_ "So when can I move back in then? The florals will have to go, of course. Did Pam arrange all this? She really is such a good Childe."

"What the hell is wrong with you, Eric Northman? You act like you don't know me!"

"I don't," he purred, hovering far too close for comfort. "How about we set that right, right now?"

* * *

 **A/N: In my defence… I was perfectly fine with ending the entire story with the no socks in sight comment… it was all musey pants' fault for saying 'But wouldn't it be more fun if…" so, yeah blame her/him/it (I'm not really sure exactly what). So yeah pout all you want but it means there's more of this story left, which is good, right?**

 **Much thanks to msbuffy (who I also blame since she was all with the encouraging of dreams!)**

 **Tune in next time to see just how much I enjoy the old amnesia trope ;)**

 **I was having issues logging in and uploading with this site all week so posting later than it appeared on the WP site where I generally post earlier anyhow, to follow there just simply subscribe on hisviks dot wordpress dot com or use the direct link in my profile. Fingers crossed it's cooperating this time!**


	16. Chapter 16 - Death by Orgasm

" _No," she whined, defeat slumping her shoulders. "I still think you're making a mistake. Let me know everything went okay after?"_

" _It almost sounds like you care," he grinned._

" _Of course I care!" she exclaimed, hastily adding, "About the company, of course! I'm a board member after all!"_

" _Sure," he chuckled, getting up and pulling a file from his desk along with a non-descript postage box. "Speaking of, since you seem to be an expert user I'd like you to look over these proposed designs. Just pop your thoughts in the margins."_

 _She regarded him curiously, accepting the sealed box and file, and taking a quick glance at the contents. Her face instantly became red again, though Eric was quite unsure whether it was anger or embarrassment, not that he cared, the colour suited her either way. It was his favourite colour after all._

" _Bastard!"_

 _The term was getting a little old, he was already considering naming the newly modelled Thor that resided in the box Bastard instead, but he couldn't help laugh when she dramatically exited with another pop and a rather audible huff. Normally he'd mourn that she was suddenly gone, but interestingly enough, so was the box full of toys._

 _oOoOoOo_

 _Sookie screamed out with fright. She'd woken hazily, but with sheer terror, after another dream about Eric, of course. She and her seriously twisted subconscious needed to have a conversation about that sometime soon. The dream, perfectly nice as it had been, hadn't been the source of the sudden outcry though._

" _Who are you and what are you doing in my home?"_

" _Eric?" she cried out, scrambling for the light to see the sudden presence match the voice that had invaded her bed. The worst of her nerves waned with the knowledge that she hadn't just been woken by a complete stranger intending God knows what, though he seemed to be regarding her with the same amount of confusion that she was feeling. "Your home? This hasn't been your home for weeks now! Did you gulp down on some other faery?!"_

" _If only," he grinned, eyeing her lasciviously, eyes stuck on her breasts for far too long, naturally, "So when can I move back in then? The florals will have to go, of course. Did Pam arrange all this? She really is such a good Childe."_

" _What the hell is wrong with you, Eric Northman? You act like you don't know me!"_

" _I don't," he purred, hovering far too close for comfort. "How about we set that right, right now?"_

 **Chapter 15 - Death by Orgasm**

Sookie had to wonder if this was another dream, prompting her to ask, "Are you wearing socks?"

He regarded her with the most appropriate response, as if she just had indeed posed the strangest question in the world. "Yes," he replied uncertainly.

"Take them off," she whispered. "I want to see them." The stance of his perturbed face prompting her to add, "Please?"

"Then we will commence the fucking," he nodded agreeably, coming to stand by the end of her bed and making quick work of removing his socks. Her imminent cry of protest was silenced by a finger to her lips. "You know you want it, I'm not taking no for an answer."

"You realise that is what rapists say?" she protested loudly. "There will be no fucking without my say so!"

He chuckled in a rather disconcerting manner, forcing her to back up further into the headboard. "Oh, you know you want this as much as I do." Again with the creepy grin that felt very unfamiliar.

"Also something rapists say," she retorted, becoming more annoyed with him. Surely he was playing her, p _ayback had come once and for all surely,_ but this wasn't funny at all. Instantly making her regret that alcohol-induced phone call where she mentioned Alcide, as if she hadn't been regretting that more than ever thanks to a certain Ms. Pelt already, reminding her once more what an odd name that was for a Were.

"Right then," he interrupted her absent gaze. "How do I say this without sounding like a rapist?"

"You don't 'say' for starters!" she exclaimed, hiding her body further from his gaze. It was beyond creepy at this point; his face, however, remained confused, forcing her to explain the obvious, "You ask."

"I ask to be a rapist?" he questioned, even more confused than her at this point. "That is not scheduled for tonight."

"Scheduled? What the hell are you on about?" she cried out in exasperation. "I didn't ask you to be here! Showing up in the middle of the night demanding a booty call, seriously, who does that?"

"Do you not like me?" he asked with worry, appearing the exact opposite of before, almost childlike in demeanour.

"I'm finding it really hard right now!" she ground out, a pang of sympathy invading her for his fragile tone, though he clearly deserved none of it.

"That is good!" he replied with glee. "I am hard too!"

"You infuriating vampire!" she screamed, conjuring up a great ball of energy in her hands as warning. "Have you lost your godforsaken mind? You do not come into a woman's bedroom demanding sex because you have a hard on! You ask her out; make her like you, flowers, candies, talk through the night about everything and nothing at the same time. Then, _maybe_ then, and that's a very BIG maybe right now, buddy, she'll invite you in and you have a chance in hell of being hers!"

"Have we been out together before?"

"Yes, but-"

"Excellent," he perked up, his excessive happiness making her all the more worried for her own sanity and cognitive state. _She was really hoping for this being a dream right about now, waking up would be nice right around now._ "We have been out, done the talking about everything and nothing, it is night, and you just said you liked me. Is it alright if I make Pam send you the 'flowers and candies' in the morning?"

"Well, it would certainly make up for some of this, wait-"

"Very good! That means you are mine, then," Eric exclaimed with delight. "We will move forward, then. To the fucking."

"What, no!" she yelled, her words, however, went unheard by him at this point as his gaze was lost to his toes, which he wiggled with sheer joy upon the realisation _he_ was the one moving them, eliciting a string of giggles in the process. _This was beyond fucked up, she had to be dreaming._

"We will commence with the fucking?" he sounded out monotonously again, not even glancing up towards her, proceeding to unbutton his pants, and dropping them down to the floor in one fell swoop with the aid of the weight from his belt.

"What happened to your penis?" she cried out in horror, swallowing the protest, a litany of curse words, and a destructive ball of energy she was about to unleash on him.

"This," he replied with a look of utter confusion, "is very… _strange_?"

She moved forward, pity written all over her face while staring at his torso which looked every bit like a Ken doll, _smoothed down in between the legs and all_.

"I-" Eric started only for his head to droop, his entire body slumping forward with a noise that she'd previously associated with machinery powering down.

"So what's the verdict?" he asked, causing her to cry out with fright once more on account of the voice coming from by the door, by _another_ Eric, the conjured ball of energy hitting him firmly in the chest, landing him just outside her bedroom in a dazed gaze.

"What is this?" she demanded angrily, hovering over his body that twitched slightly in after effects on the hallway floor. "This isn't funny, you should have told me you had a twin! I've had enough multiple-cousins pretending they were each other!"

"Fucking hell," the 'live' Eric grumbled. "Meet Thor 2.0," he introduced, powering the impressive piece of artificial intelligence on and off in demonstration with a remote control.

"Explain!" she spat out, her hands moving carefully towards the Eric still in her bedroom who had remained completely still.

"It's a new toy for you to test drive," Eric grinned, entering her bedroom while still rubbing at his chest. "You forgot to take him along last time… Then again he didn't quite fit into that box."

"You asshole!" she hissed, anger rising to spectacular levels. "You should have told me! I thought he was real and something terrible had happened to you!"

"Hence the not telling you," he smiled triumphantly. "Wanted to know if he could convince even the most discerning Telepath. So how did he do?"

"He comes on a little too strong," Sookie answered while looking over the piece of artificial intelligence, still marvelled by the lifelike appearance of Thor 2.0. "His personality needs a bit of work, scratch that, a LOT of work," she emphasized. "And he can't look like you!"

"Why not?" he demanded with an amused grin.

"Because."

"Because what?"

"I don't like it," she huffed, arms crossed.

"You liked him, then."

"I certainly did not!"

"He had his pants down within twenty minutes flat of meeting you," Eric pointed out. "That's further than I ever got."

"That wasn't by my invitation! Anyhow _Pam's_ gotten further than you ever got within fifteen minutes of meeting me, so I wouldn't be looking at others too closely if I were you," she retorted weakly. In response to his enquiring gaze, she gestured at her breasts, "Pam touched them within moments of us meeting."

"How?" Eric demanded in a tone that she assumed no one ever had dared denying.

"She's not much of a hugger normally, now is she? Even if she is, she plays the part exceptionally well."

"The sneaky little bitch," he noted rather proudly. "Why didn't I think of that?"

"Don't think you'd still be walking and talking, buddy!" she warned, making him believe every word of the threat. "She makes it believable, you would not!"

"Anyhow, you have yet to answer me," Eric pointed out. "Why can't he look like me?"

"I already told you," she huffed. "I don't like _it_."

"That's not much of an answer, now is _it_?" he continued to push.

"I like _you,_ okay! Is that what you wanted to hear, you overinflated, high-handed, pompous ass!"

"Yes," he smiled. "That's exactly what I want to hear. Also, that it's a very nice ass."

"Don't push your luck," she growled at his eager display of his double's bare behind, moving his hands around it like a prime piece of meat. "This doesn't excuse the fact that you sent in some randy robotic version of yourself to scare the crap out of me in the middle of the night!"

"Shit," he corrected.

"What?"

"You can say 'shit' in front of me, no need to be so polite," he smiled.

"Now you're just being ornery," she huffed.

"Is it working?"

"No," she lied, a telling smile betraying her.

While internally congratulating himself with the ease at which he diverted her attention away from his wrongdoings, Eric remembered her words about asking, _and the other helpful ways of making her his, or rather making him hers,_ so he _asked,_ "Will you help me fix his personality? So he'll be more like me?"

"That's a pretty tall order."

"Good thing we're both tall then," he jested. She tried to hide her smile again at the stupid joke with a shake of her head, but it was hard to miss.

"I'm serious about not wanting some sex doll double of you roaming the earth," she interjected with a frown. "One of you is way too much to handle already."

"You asked to help with the witch problem," he pointed out. "This would be helping. In fact, you inspired it."

"I am _soooo_ not responsible for that," she spat out with distaste for the hunch-backed android that was still standing perfectly still at the end of her bed with his pants puddled around his feet. _At least he wasn't wearing socks._

"'She can just buy herself a 'Thor' like the rest of us.' left your lips yesterday, I believe," he recounted. "Made me remember we still had this in development when that stupid witch refused to negotiate tonight."

"You're going to make _him_ have sex with the witch?" she posed disbelievingly. "Aside from the personality disorder, he's clearly missing an essential body part."

He shrugged, "She'll be dead by then. I'm told his oral skills are working exactly as they should. He'll get her right to the edge and just when she's tumbling towards sweet release, I jump in and rip her head off."

"Death by orgasm?" Sookie posed with a shake of her head. "Do me a favour and run this scenario by Niall. You've clearly never had to deal with an actual magic practitioner before."

"I find ripping off heads are the solution to everything," he dismissed.

"Of course you do," she replied, unsurprised. "Never heard of magic booby traps, have you? Probably got stuck on the 'booby' part if you did. If that witch has any sense and genuine power, and I assume she does since you actually bother to acknowledge her as a threat, she'll have the necessary protections in place when she's at her most vulnerable. Thor over there is not the answer."

"You just don't want me or him to sleep with her," he grinned triumphantly. "Any version of me it appears. I'm touched!"

"That's not it at all!" she denied, though she had to admit no matter how creepy Thor 2.0 was, she didn't like the idea either way. "How would you like it if some ho-bag version of me was running around all over town?"

"Like I'd even let her out the door," he scoffed. "But until the lab figures out how to replicate those spectacular breasts of yours, I'll never know."

"Don't you dare make a version of me!" she fumed. "I _will_ rip off your head!"

"Didn't you just point out that wasn't the solution to anything?" he replied, smug as ever. "Besides, you seemed rather attached to seeing this head carry on not that long ago."

"That head, yes," Sookie replied pointedly. "Then again, I wasn't talking about _that_ head," she continued, letting her gaze fall to his crotch. "Exactly how much do you want to resemble your twin over there?"

"You wouldn't," he replied while stifling the involuntary gasp that had threatened to escape him.

"Try me," she warned. "I can make it permanent too, I know a witch, too."

"Fine," he spat out. "What do you propose to do instead?"

"What's the witch's name?"

"Why does that matter?"

"My college roommate, Amelia-"

"The one you had a lesbian experience with?" he interjected eagerly. Of course, he'd remember _that_ detail.

"It wasn't a lesb-" she started to deny immediately. "Never mind, she's the witch I know. I never really involved myself much with her Wiccan lifestyle, but I do remember that they all know each other and keep each other in check. If this witch isn't abiding by the 'live and let live' attitudes while passing around the peace pipe and abusing her magic for malice, there will be others far more powerful than her interested in her whereabouts. Why make a mess when you can get someone else to clean it up for you? So, name?"

Begrudgingly he gave Sookie all the information he had on the witch, adding with a grumble, "You realise I haven't been able to kill a thing since you showed up in my life. I miss ripping off heads."

"Poor little vampire," she said with mock sympathy, patting the top of his head to add to the condescension. Pointing at his inanimate doppelgänger, she proposed, "How about you start with that one over there?"

"It's not the same when they were never really alive to begin with," he pouted, briefly admiring his own backside, still standing, bare and exposed in the middle of the room. If Sookie wasn't willing tonight… _perhaps_. He shook his head, knowing that would be an extreme form of narcissism that he doubted even he could participate in, and he moved to refasten the pants back up on Thor 2.0, hiding his excitement that, thanks to the 'man' with the inability to be 'excited,' Sookie had admitted to liking him enough not for anyone else to have him, _in any shape or form_. Belt firmly looped in place, he glanced down to see all was in place as before, and noting the bare feet with curiosity, he asked, "So tell me, Sookie, what's with the socks?" only for her to flush red all over again. _Noted, Sookie likes socks._ Now all he had to do was change that into 'cocks', more specifically, his cock. _Maybe if he put it in a sock? Perhaps Adele would knit him one?_

"Nothing," she stammered.

"For a telepath, you're a terrible liar," he grinned.

"Maybe I'm only a terrible liar around you," she blurted out. "I mean-"

"I know what you mean," he grinned, his eyebrows dancing on his face in sheer delight while her complexion only seemed to turn all the paler, sweat bubbling nervously on her forehead. "I know exactly what you mean. Want me to take my socks off now, _or later?"_

He couldn't help but chuckle as her dry mouth inhibited her from sounding out anything coherent or offer explanation to the meaning of socks that brought her out in a fluster, only managing something resembling a wheeze. "Don't worry, little faery," he doted, patting her head condescendingly in the same manner as she had done to him only moments ago. "Come morning, expect flowers, candy, and anything else your heart desires to show up on your doorstep."

"You don't have to-"

"Perhaps even a pair of socks," he grinned. "Though I'm more of a stockings man myself."

"What?"

His finger came to rest on her lips, _his doppelgänger proved an excellent study on her reception of him after all. Who knew the way to silence her was as simple as this?_ "And then I will simply ask, and you will say yes."

"You're beginning to sound an awful lot like _him_ ," she replied with a grimace.

"Here's the difference between him and I," he said evenly, gesturing at the bot with a hint of distaste. "If you say 'no', I'll hear you _and_ understand what that means. Of course I will endeavour every which way to convince you otherwise, but if it is a 'no' I hear from you, I will leave you be. But that 'no' better be firm and final."

"Yes."

"What?" he questioned, despite his preternatural hearing barely having registered the word as it escaped her lips.

"Yes," she repeated, _firm and final,_ loudly _,_ "Yes, I'll go out with you." Surprised he couldn't help but mirror her offered smile, his far less cautious than hers, thoughtfully she added, "Wear socks."

 **A/N: *snicker* so it wasn't amnesia** _ **this**_ **time… I just couldn't castrate Eric, he's been suffering enough at the hands of Sookie throughout this story and I found that even** _ **I**_ **am not that cruel… So did we like Thor 2.0, well 'liking him' is perhaps the wrong question, did we like his 'presence'?**

 **Despite the slight nod to James Joyce's beautiful closing lines in Ulysses with this chapter's ending, I think the muse is still insisting on continuing this story a little further… possibly… maybe…**

 **Much thanks to msbuffy, who I hope by now has recovered from her giggle snorting over Eric as a Ken doll ;)**


	17. Chapter 17 - Boy meets Girl

" _For a telepath, you're a terrible liar," he grinned._

" _Maybe I'm only a terrible liar around you," she blurted out. "I mean-"_

" _I know what you mean," he grinned, his eyebrows dancing on his face in sheer delight while her complexion only seemed to turn all the paler, sweat bubbling nervously on her forehead. "I know exactly what you mean. Want me to take my socks off now, or later?"_

 _He couldn't help but chuckle as her dry mouth inhibited her from sounding out anything coherent or offer explanation to the meaning of socks that brought her out in a fluster, only managing something resembling a wheeze. "Don't worry, little faery," he doted, patting her head condescendingly in the same manner as she had done to him only moments ago. "Come morning, expect flowers, candy, and anything else your heart desires to show up on your doorstep."_

" _You don't have to-"_

" _Perhaps even a pair of socks," he grinned. "Though I'm more of a stockings man myself."_

" _What?"_

 _His finger came to rest on her lips, his doppelgänger proved an excellent study on her reception of him after all. Who knew the way to silence her was as simple as this? "And then I will simply ask, and you will say yes."_

" _You're beginning to sound an awful lot like him," she replied with a grimace._

" _Here's the difference between him and I," he said evenly, gesturing at the bot with a hint of distaste. "If you say 'no', I'll hear you and understand what that means. Of course I will endeavour every which way to convince you otherwise, but if it is a 'no' I hear from you, I will leave you be. But that 'no' better be firm and final."_

" _Yes."_

" _What?" he questioned, despite his preternatural hearing barely having registered the word as it escaped her lips._

" _Yes," she repeated, firm and final, loudly, "Yes, I'll go out with you." Surprised he couldn't help but mirror her offered smile, his far less cautious than hers, thoughtfully she added, "Wear socks."_

 **Chapter 16 - Girl Meets Boy**

"Told you she'd hate Thor and jump right into your arms," Pam preened over the phone. "She's such a _girl_."

"Yes, Pam, you were right," Eric conceded begrudgingly. "How much is this going to cost me?"

"I want another wedding."

"What?"

"The first time we didn't know each other!" Pam explained as if that made all the sense in the world. "It was all about me, me, me… this time it'll be all about _us_!"

"Pam, this is preposterous!" Eric protested, not only to the idea three weeks after the previous wedding, rather the assault to his wallet. He knew Pam well enough to know that in her world 'us' had no romantic notion whatsoever, it simply meant double the cost. "You do not need another wedding!"

"I'll toss the bouquet Sookie's way," she pleaded. When it appeared he was only able to reply with a low warning growl that she knew all too well, Pam quickly added, "Guaranteed to get you laid."

"Deal."

oOoOoOo

"This is all your fault!" Pam seethed.

"My fault?" Sookie whimpered beside her. "I'm really sorry, for whatever I did."

"No, not you, Tinkerbelle," Pam assured, shifting uncomfortably beside her as Sookie took her gentle tone as an opening to rub her head lovingly against her shoulder, emitting a contented sigh. As much as Pam thought she would enjoy holding that luscious body of Sookie tightly to hers, the needy personality was really ruining her buzz. Not to mention having to endure Eric and his panicky shit for hours, choosing the right socks earlier on in the night in anticipation of their 'date.' _Who cared about socks! Sookie wasn't even wearing socks!_ Well, she wasn't wearing much of anything beyond the blanket Jason insisted she wore. "Amelia over there."

"Oh," Sookie nodded, looking thoroughly confused at the dark haired girl.

"It was supposed to protect them from Hallow," Amelia tried to explain. "I don't know what went wrong..."

"Tell the truth now," Niall demanded menacingly. Pam couldn't help but purr at the commandeering display, receiving a cheeky wink in the process from the faery prince. "You've muddled it up so much, I don't even know where to start repairing the mess you made. Tell me from the beginning what you did."

Amelia let out a large breathe, looking up into Niall's stern eyes, elaborately explaining how for some reason there were suddenly two cats in place of Eric and Sookie hours after placing a protection spell. In a panic, she tried a multitude of spells to restore them, half of which she'd already forgotten, only for them to disappear into thin air, managing to find Sookie, naked as the day she was born in the basement, with the help of a locator spell and Jason. Eric was yet to be tracked down by Godric, last spotted similarly nude on social media, swimming in the city's biggest park's expansive pond. That wasn't the worst of it though, both seemed to be at a complete loss as to what and who they were.

Sookie had cried out in panic when they finally found her, the telepathy bombarding her all at once with no knowledge how to use her telepathic shields for protection, and in Godric's absence, forcing Pam of all people to be the one to soothe the girl's nerves. _Girl_ being the operative word, she didn't even know how to go to the bathroom anymore. Not that Pam had much expertise in the matter either, and had happily directed her to a kitty litter tray that Amelia seemed to permanently travel with for yet to be discovered reasons.

"It'll all be okay, dear," Gran soothed, only for Sookie to flinch away from her touch, scrambling onto Pam who desperately tried not to display her overt disdain of being forced to carry the human-esque accessory by her side. Instinctively, the vampiress growled at her grandmother-in-law while holding Sookie in a more protective stance, soon uttering an apology, not quite sure where _that_ instinct had come from.

"Any word on Eric yet?" Pam asked with worry, focusing on an instinct she at least could understand. "The sun will be up soon."

"I'm sure Godric will find him," Gran assured at the exact moment that the vampire in question thrust through the door, pulling a petulant, and very wet, Eric along by the arm, complaining in Old Norse that he wasn't done swimming with the crocodiles of Central Park quite yet.

"Close your eyes, Sook!" Jason barked when her eyes instantly flew to the equally naked new arrival. Despite her avid interest that seemed to be reciprocated by the clueless blonde vampire, his talk of playing with crocodiles was soon forgotten in favour of the blonde girl. In a scramble, Jason yanked a curtain from the window and fashioned it around the tall Viking, completely forgetting to instruct Sookie to open her tightly held eyes again. Pam was quick to move Eric next to Sookie, instructing them to hold hands, freeing herself from the arduous task of acting physical telepathy shields.

"How long is this going to take?" Pam demanded from Niall. "We only have so much time before sunrise."

"By the sounds of it," Niall replied, "It's going to take a while to understand exactly how to set this right."

"Hi," Sookie whispered, carefully opening one eye on the hard body that had been placed next to her. "I'm Sucky, I think. The blonde lady calls me Tinkerbelle sometimes."

"Hi, Sucky," he grinned back, falling sullen in the next moment. "I don't know what I'm called."

"I didn't know either," she whispered conspiratorially, putting him at ease instantly with that news and a warm smile. "I think your name is Eric."

He shrugged, "Sounds good to me."

"Sook!" Jason yelled, pulling himself from the conversation of the adults on the other side of the room who were intrinsically discussing how to proceed. "Keep yo naked ass covered! No one wants to see that."

"This blanket is itchy," she pouted.

"Sook!" he warned again, and with a huff she pulled the blanket back in place over her shoulders.

"Here," Eric offered, sharing the unused expanse of fabric from his curtain with her, earning him another grateful smile. "This one isn't as itchy."

"Thanks!" she beamed. "I like you very much, Eric."

"I like you too, Sucky!"

"NO!" Pam protested. "Absolutely not, we just rid ourselves of the cameras constantly following us! This is supposed to be Jason and me time! Godric and Adele can take care of them!"

"We've raised those babies once already," Gran protested. "We're not doing it again, besides you'll need the practice."

"Practice?" Pam cried out in horror. "Practice for what?"

"When you have babies of your own, of course," Gran smiled, making Pam instantly want to claw her eyes out with the mere suggestion, no matter that it would ruin her perfect manicure. " _Besides_ , Godric will need to look after Eric's company in his absence, you can't expect him to look after Eric as well. Look at them, he keeps her calm, there's no sense in separating them."

The gathered crowd regarded them with amusement, amicably chattering away like two children who'd found a kindred spirit on the playground. Sookie stuck out her tongue while Eric desperately tried to catch it between his fingers before they devolved into a litany of giggles. _Fucking giggles?_ Pam desperately wished she was back in time, selecting one of three thousand pairs of identical socks for her ridiculously anxious Maker.

"Children aren't cheap," Pam noted shrewdly, remembering having vaguely read that in some woman's magazine once.

"Jason and Sookie thrived perfectly well on a modest budget," Gran countered, only to be interrupted by Godric.

"You will care for Eric as he is accustomed to, I will grant you access to his personal accounts."

Pam couldn't help but snicker as her Grandmaker appeared to cower slightly with the hairy eyeball the elderly women gave him, while quick to snatch the necessary credit cards from Godric's hand. "Come on, children," Pam announced with glee and a clap of her hands, high on the possibility of unlimited funds again, beckoning the pair of amnesiacs. "Momma's got to shop!" Coming to instantly understand the cower Godric expressed moments ago, as she was treated to the same look of scorn from Adele, Pam was quick to add, "For, uhm... groceries?"

oOoOoOo

"I want to push the cart," Eric whined, Sookie happily stuck her tongue out at him from her preferred position manning the grocery cart, taking to the task in all seriousness, where he was begrudgingly ordered to walk by her side to keep all the evil thoughts at bay. Pam merely sighed, holding up a selection of colourful cereal boxes until 'Sucky' pointed to one she thought she would like. Jason, meanwhile, was loading up the cart with anything tasty he could find, which was pretty much everything in the store.

"No pizza!" Pam warned Jason when he approached with a tower of frozen versions, obscuring his face from them in the process, only for Sookie to pout, which instantly prompted Eric to vow that he loved pizza and they therefore had to buy it. "I hate you all," Pam growled, allowing the pizzas into the cart while wondering how she ended up the mother of three, fully-grown, misbehaving, Supernaturals.

"Can I have a lollypop?" Sookie asked longingly, staring at the pretty display.

"No!" Pam snapped while Eric was already eagerly offering a selection for Sookie to choose from. Assured Pam wasn't looking, he sneakily stuck the flavour of Sookie's choice in the inside of his jacket pocket. It appeared he was willing to do anything to see her smile at this point, it wasn't particularly difficult either, where with Pam he wasn't concerned at all whether she liked him or not.

"Don't you want one too? There's a blood flavoured one," Sookie whispered. Eric thought about it briefly before shaking his head 'no' in disgust. Where it came from he wasn't quite sure, not that he was sure about much at this point. Lowering the hem at the top of her sundress and pointing between her cleavage, she very sensibly pointed out, "I could hide it here." Sadly she explained, "I don't have a pocket anywhere else."

Eric forgot to pay attention to exactly what flavour he stuck in there while she tittered softly at the ticklish feel of it. All he knew is that no matter what kind it was, he'd happily eat them all if she allowed him to stick them in that delightful little slot each and every time. He was already salivating at the mere thought, though still unsure exactly what was the cause, the mere thought of the blood flavoured lollypop had made him shiver in disgust only moments earlier.

"Chop, chop!" Pam yelled from the other end of the aisle. "I don't have all night! Sucky, stop being so slow."

"Here," Eric offered gently, lifting her and placing her in the child's seat of the shopping cart with her legs hanging over the bar handle, her skirt bunching up to her waist while she was awkwardly squeezed in. She giggled with delight with the sudden new position, wrapping her calves around his waist while he whizzed them at high speeds after Pam.

"I know what you're up to, Mister!" Sookie giggled coquettishly when they came to a stop, making Pam wish she could still vomit with how cute they were being. _It was fucking embarrassing!_

"Do you?" he smiled back mischievously, moving his face very closely to hers. His lip millimetres away from hers, both staring intently in each other's eyes, unsure exactly what to do next.

"Uh huh," she nodded. "You just wanted to push the car-"

"OH HELL NO!" Jason yelled, dumping his collected assortment of curated snacks in the cart. "Hands off, you two! Sook, the whole store can see your underwear, God damn it!"

"But he makes the thoughts go away," Sookie whined at her brother.

"You can hold hands, that's it! I don't want to see any other body parts touching," Jason warned. "No funny business! Now get out of the cart!"

"You're no fun, Jaysoooooooon," Sookie complained while Eric helped her out, her legs still around his waist till he put her down with regret with one warning glare from Jason. Ignoring the petulant tone of his sister and chants of 'meanie pants,' Jason was quick to take possession of the cart, causing the set of amnesiacs to regard him with an identical set of scowls, begrudgingly following him when Pam barked another order for them to hurry up.

"Go stand over there!" Pam commanded when the two amnesiacs were dropping every single item from the candy selection on the conveyer belt with childish delight, while Pam hastily placed them back with, very disconcertingly, a look of genuine remorse for the cashier.

"Did you find everything you were looking?" a security guard questioned with a flirtatious smile while Sookie waited by the exit per Pam's instructions. Eric was preoccupied by a vending machine, trying to figure out how to make it work. The guard's thoughts surrounding her breasts were confusing her momentarily, causing her to remain mute. "Pay for everything from the store?" the guard tried again, wondering if the pretty girl was perhaps a bit slow or from another country.

"I didn't pay for anything," Sookie announced proudly, bending over slightly to show off the piece of candy nestled in between her breasts. "Don't tell Pam about the lollypops!"

"You're going to have to come with me," the security guard said sternly while grabbing her by the arm.

"OW!" she screamed out, failing to see Eric while she was dragged away while being assaulted by the man's every thought that stopped being very nice about her. "Eric!" she cried out in panic, only to hear a loud roar in an instant as he launched into the guard at high speed, fangs at the ready. He held her behind him instantly, snarling at the guard, finding themselves soon surrounded by the entire security staff. She held onto his back tightly, whimpering, only for them to tumble to the floor within seconds, surrounded by the smell of burning flesh as a silver net was launched over the two of them, forcing Eric to cry out in agony. Out of nowhere, or as much as she could determine, a strong electrical charge was expelled from her body, blasting the net to pieces and impacting the surroundings, only narrowly missing anybody, and surrounding the two of them in a protective magical barrier.

"Fucking hell!" Pam complained when she entered the scene of chaos, warning the security staff not to take any further steps, tossing her black credit cards to the manager. "I can't take you two anywhere!"

oOoOoOo

"They're like teacup humans, the worst they'll do is play 'Show Me Mine, Show Me Yours.' For fuck's sake, Jason, they're in twin beds! What can they possibly get up to?"

"You so sure about that?" he asked doubtfully, regarding the pair already tucked in bed. Sookie almost nearing sleep while Eric stared curiously at the ceiling, the two holding hands in the empty space between.

"Would you rather I look after her tonight and _you_ miss out on me showing you mine?" Pam hinted seductively, massaging her breasts demonstratively. "Momma needs her glass of full-bodied Jason-nay to forget this night ever happened."

"Right then," he gulped, switching off the bedroom lights with great haste. "Night, Sis!"

"Sucky," Eric whispered in the darkened room, "how do you get rid of the thing between your legs?" It had been growing ever more painful throughout the night, making him unsure what the cause was. It had only gotten worse when he'd caught a glimpse of Pam helping Sookie get in her pyjamas after being declared a fashion disaster, _whatever that was._ Sucky looked perfectly fine to him with all the buttons in the 'wrong' place. However, unlike the painful wounds caused by the silver netting, this ache hadn't simply healed in seconds after downing some blood, and Eric was getting rather worried.

"Oh, Gran showed me," she replied with an air of expertise. "You use the paper by the toilet and just rub at it till it's all gone. You have to close the door though."

"It won't work with an open door?'' he posed curiously, wondering what kind of magic was at play with the door.

She shrugged, "I dunno, but she insisted that real ladies go to the bathroom with the door closed and not on kitty litters. Don't you want to be a real lady too, Eric?"

"I guess," he replied, figuring if Sookie wanted to be one, he surely must too. Moving to the bathroom and closing the door as per instruction, he quickly set to work with Sookie's instructions, rubbing away at his erection with a sheet of toilet paper. When it didn't seem to be helping at all, he only started to rub harder with the dry paper, causing him even more pain. Only just managing to stifle the yelp, he called out, "I don't think this is working, Sucky!"

"Let me see!" she asked with a gentle knock on the door, as Gran had thought her real ladies did earlier. He opened and closed it quickly, only allowing her just enough room to slip in, fearful of the magic of the closed door working against him even more.

"Look," he said with frustration, pointing at the angry and now rather raw erection jutting out between his legs. "It won't go away."

"Oh, I don't have one of those," she said thoughtfully, her teeth lingering on her bottom lip. "Does it always look like that?"

He shook his head, he wasn't quite sure what it was supposed to look like. "It's hurting," he whimpered sadly as she came to kneel down to have a closer look at it.

"Maybe if I kiss it?" she offered gently, looking up at him. "When Gran kissed my forehead I felt much better."

"Ok, then," he agreed with little enthusiasm.

"You need to hold it still," Sookie requested, fearful that she may cause him even more pain by doing that herself. Softly she kissed her way up the shaft, causing him to shudder slightly, but he indicated for her to continue, and when she neared the head and noticed the wetness oozing out of his slit, her tongue leapt out, to stem what she assumed was a wound, hoping to heal it just like Pam had done for her with the small injuries sustained in the grocery store. An agonized moan escaped him with the sensation, and in a mild panic, she cried out, "Am I hurting you? Maybe I should ask Jason? JASON! PAM!"

"No, no," he assured breathily, "it feels good. Really good. Keep kissing it, I think it's helping."

She continued her path down again, pressing her lips as gently as possible, the sensation not quite as heady as before, but still immensely pleasurable for Eric.

"What is going on in there?" Pam demanded from the other side of the door, grabbing for the door handle only to find it stuck, Eric quickly having grabbed hold of it in an effort to keep it firmly closed. He was sure the painful ache was finally leaving him with Sookie's help and opening the door would surely ruin this. "LET ME IN, ERIC!"

"No," he growled back, moving his body frantically against the force of the vampiress tugging at the other side. Sookie, meanwhile, desperately tried to keep kissing Eric's 'ache' away, the noises he was making only indicating all the more the need for the pain be gone, the erection now flopping all over the place without Eric holding it. Moving in a momentum of opposite synergy with a loud thwack, his cock suddenly hit her squarely in the face, forcing her to cry out in pain instead. At the sound of Sookie's cry, he instantly let go of the door to tend to her, and the lack of resistance allowed Pam to rip the door from its hinges with all her supernatural strength, knocking her back on the floor and landing on her ass painfully, Jason only narrowly escaping the flying debris.

"Thanks a lot, Pam!" Eric roared angrily, cradling Sookie's face tenderly with worry, his dick still jutting out from beneath his pyjama shirt, painful as ever. "Now I'll never be a real lady!"

* * *

 **A/N: Remember when I flirted with the whole amnesia trope and then discarded it? And then I did it again? And you all thought you'd suffered through all possible amnesia scenarios already and Sookie and Eric were just supposed to go on a cute date together where no one was allowed to mention socks… instead I gave you floppy wieners flapping all over the place? You're welcome! #sorrynotsorry.**

 **Thanks to msbuffy as ever… mostly for the laughs but the editing work is great too!**


	18. Chapter 18 - Fun and Games

" _Maybe if I kiss it?" she offered gently, looking up at him. "When Gran kissed my forehead I felt much better."_

" _Ok, then," he agreed with little enthusiasm._

" _You need to hold it still," Sookie requested, fearful that she may cause him even more pain by doing that herself. Softly she kissed her way up the shaft, causing him to shudder slightly, but he indicated for her to continue, and when she neared the head and noticed the wetness oozing out of his slit, her tongue leapt out, to stem what she assumed was a wound, hoping to heal it just like Pam had done for her with the small injuries sustained in the grocery store. An agonized moan escaped him with the sensation, and in a mild panic, she cried out, "Am I hurting you? Maybe I should ask Jason? JASON! PAM!"_

" _No, no," he assured breathily, "it feels good. Really good. Keep kissing it, I think it's helping."_

 _She continued her path down again, pressing her lips as gently as possible, the sensation not quite as heady as before, but still immensely pleasurable for Eric._

" _What is going on in there?" Pam demanded from the other side of the door, grabbing for the door handle only to find it stuck, Eric quickly having grabbed hold of it in an effort to keep it firmly closed. He was sure the painful ache was finally leaving him with Sookie's help and opening the door would surely ruin this. "LET ME IN, ERIC!"_

" _No," he growled back, moving his body frantically against the force of the vampiress tugging at the other side. Sookie, meanwhile, desperately tried to keep kissing Eric's 'ache' away, the noises he was making only indicating all the more the need for the pain be gone, the erection now flopping all over the place without Eric holding it. Moving in a momentum of opposite synergy with a loud thwack, his cock suddenly hit her squarely in the face, forcing her to cry out in pain instead. At the sound of Sookie's cry, he instantly let go of the door to tend to her, and the lack of resistance allowed Pam to rip the door from its hinges with all her supernatural strength, knocking her back on the floor and landing on her ass painfully, Jason only narrowly escaping the flying debris._

" _Thanks a lot, Pam!" Eric roared angrily, cradling Sookie's face tenderly with worry, his dick still jutting out from beneath his pyjama shirt, painful as ever. "Now I'll never be a real lady!"_

 **Chapter 17 - Fun and Games**

"There," Jason announced proudly, supremely satisfied with his own handiwork. "Tucked up snug as a bug, you're a real lady... eh... boy now! Yes, a real ladyboy!" Jason fucking loved duct tape! Sookie, meanwhile was squirming uncomfortably in the makeshift chastity belt and constraining band across her chest of the same material. Eric looked equally miserable with the giant structure of tape surrounding his nether regions. No matter that Jason claimed he looked just like a superhero/real lady with his giant bulky 'underpants' that wrapped over his pyjama trousers that would cease any blood from flowing were he still human. The only thing Eric had been thankful for was Jason's help in making the ache between his legs go away, his initial suggestion of thinking about baseball was of little use, but the cold shower had worked like a treat.

"There, there," Pam cooed, holding the bag of frozen peas to Sookie's face who flinched with the cold feel of it. "It's all fun and games till someone's poked with a dick in the eye."

"You sound like you're speaking from experience," Jason accused, his sister and the compromising position he found her in completely forgotten.

In reply the vampiress merely raised her 'are you kidding me' brow, "There were others before you, Jason Stackhouse-de Beaufort, _and_ surely there will be _many_ after you." Instantly he bristled, puffing his chest out in anger and Pam grinned widely, riling him up just right for some good, old-fashioned, angry fucking. Coming to stand, she beckoned him with her finger, "Night, night, darlings. Mommy and Daddy need a little me-time."

"They sure need an awful lot of 'me-time,'" Sookie grumbled early the next evening, sitting in her pyjamas and wet hair that Pam had lovingly combed and braided while she watched 'Dora the Explorer' with Eric beside her with instructions not to disturb her and Jason for at least the next hour. Neither one of them were all that interested in the cartoon character, but they had yet to figure out how to work the remote or understand the concept of how much time had passed. "What?" she cried out angrily when instead of responding verbally Eric had pulled on one of her braids again.

"Nothing," he sniggered.

"I don't like it when you do that," she whispered with a pout.

"Sorry," he grumbled, thoroughly annoyed with himself. "Kiss to make it better?"

"Yes, please!" she perked up instantly, only to be distracted by the ringing phone, scrambling away while yelling eagerly, "Gran!"

Eric sighed dejectedly, whenever that Gran woman called Sookie would be preoccupied for _forever_ and Dora was becoming really fucking annoying. Boots, the monkey sidekick, was okay though. He tried to distract Sookie to little avail, her face only appearing to scrunch up further with every second passing, intermittently replying with 'yes' and 'I don't know.' On further inspection, to his supernatural hearing the muffled demanding voice on the other end of the line didn't really sound like the Gran woman all that much. When he looked up again, _Boots had been making a brief appearance after all_ , he suddenly found Sookie missing.

Tracking her scent through the house they collided in the hallway. "Hey," he mumbled, pretending he wasn't looking for her at all. He wanted that kiss, damn it, but it wasn't like he was going to ask _again._

"You have to help me!" Sookie cried out in a blind panic.

"Shh," he assured, pleased that he could be of assistance. "I'll help."

"Ok," she said, taking a deep breath. "That was some planner lady for Jason and Pam, but when I knocked on their door they kept telling me to go away. The lady said it was really, really important, and-"

"It's okay!" Eric urged when Sookie's words started to stop making coherent sense with the onset of blubbering tears and a general difficulty to breathe in and out properly.

"The lady said it was really important they go here, now, and that they were already late," she sniffled, showing him the address. "But how can I let them know if they won't even open the door when I knock? Gran says you can't enter without knocking, what do I do, Eric?"

"Then we'll go for them! It'll be an adventure!"

"Like Dora?" Sookie cried out excitedly, his enthusiasm infecting her.

"Yeah," he grumbled, wondering if he was now a monkey instead of a real lady. "Like Dora."

oOoOoOo

Sookie thought Pam and Jason would be exceptionally proud of them. She'd barked the address at the cab driver just like she'd seen Pam do and Eric even added in a little growl for her, making them arrive right on time for the rescheduled appointment, except they didn't quite know where to go next now that they were inside of the building. "Maybe she knows," Eric proposed, pointing to the lady behind the reception desk. "Go ask her."

"You go ask her!"

"Why me?"

"Because!"

"Because, why?"

"I don't know!" she cried out in frustration. "You do it, please?"

"Fine," he huffed, nervously approaching the woman who was already carrying a disdainful look for the pair still wearing their pyjamas. Not to mention the rather odd duct tape decorations.

"Name?" she demanded before he even managed to get a word out.

"Uhm, I'm Eric, that's Sucky."

"Last name," she spat out impatiently.

Eric kept schtum, becoming nervous under the woman's scrutiny and his inability to answer such a simple question. "Stackhouse-de Beaufort!" Sookie tried, remembering that was Jason's last name.

The woman nodded after consulting her computer screen, "Follow route 98, they're expecting you."

"Thank you," Sookie replied softly, nudging Eric she hissed, "Say thank you, Eric! Gran says real ladies always say thank you when someone does something for you."

"Thank you," he mumbled, managing to briefly interrupt the set scowl of the receptionist, though on a positive note he was a lady again.

"You're going to enjoy being with that one," the receptionist laughed, "Run along now, don't want to be late."

With extreme concentration they managed to follow the signs before they arrived at the desk that marked the end of the designated route.

"Uhm," Eric tried, lightly tapping the glass divide lightly.

The woman instantly scowled, eyes narrowed she demanded, "Stackhouse?" and with their collective nod she added testily, "You're late, ID?"

"What?" Sookie questioned, unsure and grabbing onto Eric's hand, squeezing it hard as a barrage of indecipherable thoughts infiltrated her own mind.

"Identification Cards," she clarified, letting her eyes move up and down the oddly dressed duo. Finally understanding, Sookie proudly presented her driver's license, Eric soon following her example. "Check these over," she instructed, handing them over a set of forms. Dutifully they did as asked, only for them to be grasped out of their hands within seconds, "They can't even enter names in properly, assholes. Be right back."

"She's not very nice," Sookie whispered when the grumpy woman had disappeared out of sight.

Eric nodded emphatically, a frown crinkling his forehead he asked, "Sookie, how are we going to get home?"

"I-" she stammered, "I don't know."

"Right," the administrator interrupted, the couple looking utterly at a loss with their lack of foresight. "Check these over and sign there." Without much thought they signed, handing back the forms that were quickly stamped. "Pay over there and you'll be good to go in 24 hours."

"No!" Sookie protested with worry. "We have to get this done now!"

"Looking like that?" she snorted.

"Yeah!" Eric cried out indignantly, sensing Sucky's distress. "I'll have you know we're dressed like real ladies!"

"You're lucky we don't ask for IQ scores," she replied with a smirk. "Route 36, you'll have to sit through a video instructional, get this box stamped, and they'll tell you where to go next. Good luck, you two."

"Thank you!" Sookie spat back, lacking the gentle tact her grandmother would have otherwise instilled in her for these situations. "Let's go, Eric!"

oOoOoOo

Eric didn't need to be told twice, he'd been waiting for an opportunity like this from the moment they were so rudely interrupted by that phone call earlier. No matter how confusing this adventure had been and boring that movie was they were forced to watch, _Dora and her exploring had come to stand in a completely different light to him ever since_ , and having to listen to the funnily dressed man prattle on for what also seemed like forever, dutifully answering the required words when asked, it had all been worth it because of this. His eyes focused on Sucky's who regarded him shyly, though excessively pleased that they had managed to accomplish what was needed for Jason and Pam, and now they were encouraged to kiss where Jason was forever forbidding it. Eric simply couldn't believe his luck!

She inhaled sharply before offering an amenable smile that spoke of invitation and suddenly his lips crashed hard against hers, knocking her over in the process, and landing them both on the hard marble floor, hands flailing haphazardly around each other with a severe lack of direction.

"Oh hell no!" Jason cried out, rushing through the heavy set of doors, a rolled up newspaper hitting Eric on the head repeatedly after being yanked off Sookie, yelling, "Down boy! You get your hands of my sister!"

"For fuck's sake!" Pam complained, holding up a piece of paper from the judge, freshly signed, "We're too late, Jason!"

"No," he screamed, "It's not possible! Say it ain't so?"

"Order!" the judge's voice bellowed through the courtroom.

"Undo it now!" Jason yelled, eyes narrowing menacingly on the judge.

"You, will calm down! Now!" he instructed coolly, holding his gavel up in warning. "Or do you wish to be held in contempt of this court?"

"No, Sir," he replied with a warning glance from Pam.

Swaying her hips with exaggeration, the vampiress moved towards the judge, cursing the implementation of anti-glamour devices in all public offices, purring, "Can we speak in _private?"_

"Not likely," he answered, matter of factly. "Now if you don't mind, there are others waiting."

"But surely you can see this is a mistake," Pam tried again, seductively catching the man's eye. Whispering lowly with a gesturing finger to her temple, she added, "They're not really all there."

"So you say, there is nothing indicating they are not sound of mind, a little peculiar perhaps. Trust me, I've seen far stranger in this courtroom," he dismissed. "What's done is done. Next!"

With a huff, Pam spun on her heels, growling at the wriggling trio on the floor, as Eric was still trying to get his kiss in, despite the parade of thuds to the head from Jason's newspaper, "Let's go!"

"I think we did it wrong," Sookie whispered sadly to Eric as they followed Pam out, Jason physically separating them as much as possible, arms splayed wide and wielding his rolled up newspaper in warning between the two. "We're really sorry, we wanted to help and-," she sobbed, wailing, "We just wanted to be like Dora!"

"Who the fuck is Dora?" Pam growled.

"The girl that looks like a dude," Jason reminded, "You know the one with the pet monkey. _From the TV._ "

"You wanted to be like the little dyke?" Pam questioned Sookie, whose wobbling lips spelled little good. "Eric tries to be a ladyboy for you and this is how you repay him?"

"Pam!" Jason barked angrily, seeing the utter distress his sister was suffering from the whole ordeal. "This isn't about you or that horny ladyboy Maker of yours, God damn it!"

"Surely this is all her fault!" Pam spat back. "Eric wouldn't hurt a fly!"

"Have you forgotten what he did to Sookie last night?" Jason yelled back with a cringe. "Don't you dare blame my sister!"

Pam's eyes narrowed, her arms crossing over her chest in warning, prompting Sookie to sob, "I'm really sorry, I just wanted to help-"

"Awe, Sis," Jason sighed, pulling her tightly for a hug and causing Eric to bristle for being shoved aside. "It's not your fault, it's an honest mistake. I just hope you'll forgive me when you get those memories of yours back."

"Me, forgive you?"

"Yeah," he replied with an apologetic smile. "Know you always wanted the big extravaganza, the white dress, bells, whistles, and all. Your one true love, and Niall walking you down the aisle."

"I don't think I understand, but I'm sure I'll forgive you, Jason," she smiled. "I'm not someone who'd be vengeful over a mistake, am I?"

"Well, Godric and Gran certainly are," Pam huffed, fearing the loss of her unsupervised spending spree coming to an end if they ever found out what happened under their watch. "Not to mention Niall! Neither of you say a word till I get this overturned."

"About what?" they replied in unison, thoroughly confused.

"Yes," Pam replied, wide grinned and satisfied. "Say it just like that."

Eric and Sookie regarded each other in continued confusion, and finding no answer in the other, they merely shrugged and followed the vampiress out of city hall.

"Pam?" Eric asked tentatively, receiving only an indecipherable look in reply, he dared to ask, "Can I kiss Sucky now?"

Jason instantly wanted to protest, but was silenced by a single manicured finger, "What the hell, fine," she replied. "Eric, you may now kiss your bride."

It turned out the third time was the charm, pressing his lips chastely against hers, the steps of city hall solving their usual height discrepancy. They did nothing more than grin wide upon connecting, a funny feeling overtaking their stomachs when they detached, not quite sure where one was supposed to progress from that point on. It had felt nice, the soft feel of lips bouncing from one against the other, but it didn't quite look like the couple in front them had gone before the judge. Eric moved in for a second try, but was quickly stopped by Jason, and this time Pam didn't stop him, earning them a twin set of scowls from the newlyweds.

"So, what now?" Pam asked, breathing out as if she was genuinely tired. The night had been alarming and exhausting after all, finding their two charges gone and only leaving a difficult to decipher note about going on an adventure with Dora and Boots to help them and the planner. Realisation dawning on them only later that one of them had spoken to the wedding planner who was fired seconds later as she foolishly explained about the appointment she had set up for Jason and Pam to get their wedding license at city hall, not realising that their second upcoming wedding was technically a renewal of their vows. How her Maker and Sucky had managed to get themselves married instead was a mystery yet to be solved, but it was too late undo now. She'd call the demon lawyer, surely he'd have this overturned soon enough and with any luck the two amnesiacs would never know they were married. After, Pam would have a little chat with that excuse for a witch to make sure of just that. She assured herself things were going to be just fine. A thing that was only reinforced as her eyes settled on something familiar in the distance across the wide avenue, a flagship store beckoned, her Maker's credit cards practically burning in her pocket with the prospect. _Yes, Chanel would make this all right again._

Jason's eyes followed hers, settling on a storefront two buildings over, the same sense of relief washing over him in that moment, and they regarded each other in understanding with a shared smile, their next destination determined, and the answer to what now shone like a beacon. Jason happily cried out, "Pizza!" only to receive an annoyed hiss in return. An apologetic face was offered to Pam automatically, except her gaze was still focused on the possibilities of high end designer goods that were hers for the taking, forcing Jason to seek out the source of the sound elsewhere, finding it by his feet in among a set of discarded pyjamas, only just managing to pull kitty Eric from mounting Jason's suddenly furry sister.

"Pam," Jason said warily, calling her attention to the cat in his hands.

"Oh, fuck a zombie!"

"Knowing you," Jason accused, loosening his hold on the squirming feline, "you probably did!"

* * *

 **A/N: Ah, the lengths Eric will go to to be considered a lady… *snicker* hope you enjoyed and still had a few laughs and enjoyed the wedding! You know what the space below is for…**

 **Much thanks to msbuffy as always!**

 **Note to those that follow me here and on my Wordpress site: This site has been experiencing some issues lately with logging on, which has resulted in the updates on this story being behind that of the blog.**


	19. Chapter 19 - Really

" _Pam?" Eric asked tentatively, receiving only an indecipherable look in reply, he dared to ask, "Can I kiss Sucky now?"_

 _Jason instantly wanted to protest, but was silenced by a single manicured finger, "What the hell, fine," she replied. "Eric, you may now kiss your bride."_

 _It turned out the third time was the charm, pressing his lips chastely against hers, the steps of city hall solving their usual height discrepancy. They did nothing more than grin wide upon connecting, a funny feeling overtaking their stomachs when they detached, not quite sure where one was supposed to progress from that point on. It had felt nice, the soft feel of lips bouncing from one against the other, but it didn't quite look like the couple in front them had gone before the judge. Eric moved in for a second try, but was quickly stopped by Jason, and this time Pam didn't stop him, earning them a twin set of scowls from the newlyweds._

" _So, what now?" Pam asked, breathing out as if she was genuinely tired. The night had been alarming and exhausting after all, finding their two charges gone and only leaving a difficult to decipher note about going on an adventure with Dora and Boots to help them and the planner. Realisation dawning on them only later that one of them had spoken to the wedding planner who was fired seconds later as she foolishly explained about the appointment she had set up for Jason and Pam to get their wedding license at city hall, not realising that their second upcoming wedding was technically a renewal of their vows. How her Maker and Sucky had managed to get themselves married instead was a mystery yet to be solved, but it was too late undo now. She'd call the demon lawyer, surely he'd have this overturned soon enough and with any luck the two amnesiacs would never know they were married. After, Pam would have a little chat with that excuse for a witch to make sure of just that. She assured herself things were going to be just fine. A thing that was only reinforced as her eyes settled on something familiar in the distance across the wide avenue, a flagship store beckoned, her Maker's credit cards practically burning in her pocket with the prospect. Yes, Chanel would make this all right again._

 _Jason's eyes followed hers, settling on a storefront two buildings over, the same sense of relief washing over him in that moment, and they regarded each other in understanding with a shared smile, their next destination determined, and the answer to what now shone like a beacon. Jason happily cried out, "Pizza!" only to receive an annoyed hiss in return. An apologetic face was offered to Pam automatically, except her gaze was still focused on the possibilities of high end designer goods that were hers for the taking, forcing Jason to seek out the source of the sound elsewhere, finding it by his feet in among a set of discarded pyjamas, only just managing to pull kitty Eric from mounting Jason's suddenly furry sister._

" _Pam," Jason said warily, calling her attention to the cat in his hands._

" _Oh, fuck a zombie!"_

" _Knowing you," Jason accused, loosening his hold on the squirming feline, "you probably did!"_

 **Chapter 18 - Really**

Who knew Chanel sold pet carriers? Well, Pam did, and she was utterly delighted to finally have a reason for buying some. Not that she needed a reason before, but it helped. Jason's insistence that they buy two _separate_ ones was, in her opinion, a stroke of genius and surely her maker would appreciate the designer baby socks now surrounding all his paws and surely Sookie would appreciate the pink ones. Also, the burst of retail therapy quickly reconciled their argument over Pam fucking something she was pretty sure was a zombie once. Not that she'd enjoyed it or anything, the blood tasted very off, nothing like Jason in the least. _Or so she said_.

Pam wrinkled her nose before Jason could eye the second pizza of the night, demonstratively getting up and clicking her heels out of the pizza shop, there was only so much she was willing to indulge for that loveable fool of hers after all. With a grumble Jason followed, muttering about the loss of pizza especially since he'd fed both cats a few scraps of _his_ pizza.

"Did you rinse?" Pam demanded while holding open the door of the hailed cab. Dutifully Jason nodded, breathing into his hand for added assurance that his breath was minty fresh, Pam's tongue devouring him seconds later. Hazily, she tucked him into the cab, "Look after the pussies, will you? I have a witch to track down."

"Sure," he grinned back, planting another kiss on her just because. As soon as the door closed, he gave the cab driver the address and sank into the embrace of the back seat with a contented sigh, petting the top of cat Sookie's carrier and mumbling about what a wonderful wife Pam was, only to be squashed into the plastic divider, face first, seconds later, a fuming Pam standing in front of the cab with eyes that could scorch him alive.

"Don't. Ever. Think. About. Losing. My. Maker!" she warned, wrapping Jason's arms demonstratively around cat Eric's carrier that he'd left behind in the pizza shop. With a gulp, he nodded. "This is turning you on again, isn't it?"

"Kinda," he smiled back sheepishly.

A small smirk appeared on the otherwise expressionless woman, with a purr she promised, "Later."

oOoOoOo

"None of that, you hear!" Jason warned in his specially donned camouflage outfit, wielding two Super Soakers that were permanently aimed at the horny cat that was seeking any opportunity to jump his sister. _The horny bastard!_ Without supernatural strength and Jason's impeccable aim, the cat didn't stand a chance and the socks were helping little in the agility department, causing it to resemble a starfish rather than a feline as it continually collapsed to the floor. All Jason could do was chuckle with giddy delight, the cat hissing back at him venomously as another plan was thwarted. To annoy the cat even further, Jason picked up the cat with pink socks and rested it on his chest, stroking it lovingly while its head nuzzled against his scraggly beard. "Mine," Jason joked while biting bluntly on its neck, only angering the stumbling cat on the floor even further that was furiously pulling at its oppressive socks with little success. Jason hissed back, warning, "Hush, now! Daddy wants to watch some football!"

Eyes narrowed on the taunting human above, Jason happily ignored it in his quest for finding the remote, dropping the cat on his chest onto the sofa moments later when he finally spotted it elsewhere in the room. "Jesus, Fuck! You little asshole!" he cried out when his bare foot stepped in something brown and still very much warm. Proceeding to hop on one leg through the room, he tried to chase the shit laying bugger who was finally getting to grips with its paw covered socks, sliding smoothly under a piece of furniture well out of Jason's reach. "I'm gonna get you, you little fucker!"

"The things I do for you, Sis," Jason complained after washing his foot multiple times in that handy bidet of Pam's, using every bit of soap he could find. The floor was now being treated to the same level of scrutiny. Jason was already forced to take his daily dump in the admittedly luxurious outhouse she'd built for him at the bottom of the garden after the first whiff of his human needs on their wedding night, and surely the scent of cat feces would have him spending the night there.

"What are you doing?" Pam demanded when she found him scrubbing away on all fours. Slowly Jason's eyes travelled up the set of impossibly high leather heels, the silk stockings that lead his eyes to linger over the black laced lingerie with a price tag that surely would pain her Maker when he was back to his normal self far more than the zipper burdening Jason at that very moment, finally managing to make eye contact with the blonde woman towering above him. Lacking an adequate response, blood rushing anywhere but to his already rather empty brain, he merely nodded dumbly. Pam grinned, posing innocently, "Cat got your tongue?" Her finger beckoned him up, leading him to their bedroom on an imaginary leash. The cat on the sofa merely looked on with amusement before curling its head back to resume sleeping. Tentatively, the other cat stealthily made its way out from its hiding place, prancing demonstratively for the object of its affection up on the sofa beckoning the other down playfully, and taking him completely by surprise when it jumped regally, only to chase the other cat quickly around the house in a cacophony of hisses and snarls.

"Sucky, what are you doing?" Eric asked in a state of confusion, wondering exactly how they'd ended up back in their shared bedroom when the last thing he could remember was kissing Sucky on the steps of City Hall.

"Shh!" she hissed. "It feels too good, Eric."

He looked at his hands, his fingers partially covered by very small stretched out socks while Sookie continued to grunt and pant above him, writhing over his bare back like an animal in heat. It was both very strange and making the parts between his legs act up again, pushing into his stomach, which wasn't feeling all that great either. "Sucky, please-"

"I told you to be quiet!" she cried out in annoyance, her sock covered hand effectively silencing him, bar the few muffled words that failed to deliver his displeasure with the situation he found himself in. She continued to rub herself against him till finally she cried out, "Unh… unh… YES!"

"Sorry," she whispered into his ear, slumping her entire body over his with the happy breathe of release. Her hand tousled the hairs in the small of his neck, "It just felt really, really, really, nice, Eric."

"Can I try?" he requested while trying to focus his thoughts on baseball like Jason had taught him to little avail, the whole concept of what exactly baseball was still eluding him.

She giggled in her euphoria, "Silly boy, you're far too big! You'd squash me!"

"I'll be careful, I promise," he pleaded, he _really_ wanted her off his body now and his body in her place. The discomfort only seemed to be growing worse.

"I don't know..."

"Please, it's only fair. Gran always said we each get a turn."

"True," Sookie acknowledged, rolling off his back, coming to lie next to him on the floor in the same position, flicking off the socks from her hands into the room, "Promise not to hurt me?"

"Promise," he avowed when he turned to face her. "Uhm, how did you do it?"

"I… I don't really know," she confessed. "I was just on your butt-" a giggle interrupted her, momentarily stuck on the word butt. Coming onto her knees to demonstrate, she tried to explain to Eric's eager eyes that were stuck on her naked breasts rather than her moving pelvis, "I just sort of did this."

"Like this?" he tried, moving behind her as she sank back down on the floor, his erection travelling back and forth over the crease of her ass.

"It feels funny!" she giggled. "Did it feel funny to you?"

"Kinda," he laughed with her. "You're right this does feel really, really, really nice."

"Told ya," she sighed out contentedly, resting her head on her forearms, enjoying the weird ritual for what it was. "OH!"

"I'm so sorry!" Eric cried out immediately when he suddenly found his erection engulfed in her warmth. Her small hand landed firmly on his ass, stopping his automatic pull from the sudden intrusion.

"This," Sookie whimpered, "feels _even_ better." He moved back in under her insisting hand, the two groaning out with the sudden sensation.

"Argh!" Eric cried out, two squirts of cool water suddenly drowning out his vision.

"I told you I heard somethin'!" Jason interrupted angrily, wielding his Super Soakers menacingly. "You motherfucker, get out of my sister!"

Sookie whined with the sudden loss and the rather harsh jerk exerted on her body as Jason pulled her away, wrapping her up in the bed cover. "You okay, Sis?"

"He wasn't hurting me," she whimpered. "He promised he wouldn't squash me."

"Well, he squashed you all right!" Jason returned angrily.

"They were just fucking," Pam complained. "Really, what's the harm?"

"The harm?!" he retorted. "There will be no fucking under my roof if I have anything to say about it."

"Really?" Pam challenged. "Exactly what were we in the middle of?"

"Well, we can," Jason clarified. " _Obviously."_ Turning to Eric, he scolded, "You're gonna wanna cover that up before I chop it off."

Confused, but very much understanding the threat, he looked at the erection Jason was pointing at and upon finding nothing to cover himself with, pulled off one of the socks from his hand and covered the tip. "Like that?" he giggled, the site of the tiny little cotton 'hat' delighting him momentarily. Even the pink colour was complimentary.

"Not like that!" Jason reprimanded. "Wait, why are you wearing Sookie's socks?"

"They were on me when we got back," Eric shrugged. "Look, Sookie still has hers."

Jason stared at his sister's black socks, the ones kitty 'Eric' was wearing, till the pieces finally fell into place. "You hussy! And you!" he pointed at Eric accusingly, "nuzzling up to me like some bitch in heat!"

"I don't understand," Sookie whispered, Eric looking equally confused while Pam fell into hysterics.

"Who knew my sister could be such a horndog when you give her a dick and a set of balls?" he consoled Eric, stepping away from his sister, focusing his attention on the amnesiac vampire instead and his rather blue set of balls. Gently he offered, "You're probably gonna wanna do that thing with your hand this time, like I told ya. Can't believe you, Sis, working him up like that!"

"I'm really sorry, Eric."

"It's okay, Sucky. Jason, my tummy really hurts."

"That's not supposed to happen. Pam, check him over!"

Pam could barely contain her snort, but indulged Jason, snapping a quick picture of Eric's decorated penis, _surely Chanel would appreciate that,_ while placing her ear against his stomach, eyes going wide with the sound she heard through his abdomen. "Oh, my Satan!"

"What?" Jason and Eric demanded as Pam devolved to hysterics again.

"I'll tell you-" she dry heaved, "later."

"Right," Jason nodded, directing Eric towards the bathroom, he soothed, "Let's take care of this first. Okay, buddy?"

"I wanna see!" Sookie exclaimed, feeling terribly left out.

"No!" her brother barked.

"Well, why not?" she whined, stomping her feet for added effect.

"Because, because… It's not ladylike!"

"Ladylike!" Pam cried out, howling with laughter much to Jason's disapproval. No man wanted to have his masculinity questioned, especially when an ineffective witch had been switching his gender for him along with his species.

"You know," Sookie started hotly, "I think you're just saying that! Like how I couldn't I have the last bit of milk, but you could. What does that have to do with being a lady?"

Jason spluttered, failing to come up with an adequate response as Pam eagerly awaited his retort. Meanwhile, Eric saw no issue with Sookie's participation, backing her up, "Yeah! Sookie can watch!" Much to his delight Sookie smiled beautifully, and remembering Jason's instructions, he spat into his hand and took his cock in hand and gave it a tentative stroke much to Sookie's amazement. "AND she should have all the milk!"

"Stop that! Stop that right now!" Jason protested. "Sookie's not having _any_ milk! Certainly none of yours!"

"Can I try?" Sookie asked eagerly, the two ignoring Jason happily.

"No!" Jason cried out while Eric was happily inviting her to try. Angrily turning to Eric, he commanded, "Bathroom, NOW! Sis, get your horny ass out of here!" With a sulk, Sookie complied and Eric moved his actions to the bathroom, looking very much deflated. "Pam, help him out, will ya?"

"Well, it's not like I haven't done it before," she shrugged.

"Fuck! Take care of Sookie then."

"My pleasure," she purred. "Look at my baby girl, all grown up! Come on, Sookie, we'll fit you with your very own strap-on."

"Pam!" Jason barked.

She batted her eyelashes, mesmerising him momentarily, and softly she cooed, "I was just kidding."

"Right," he replied, loosening the collar of his shirt, lowering his voice, "You don't really own one of those, do you?"

"Jason Stackhouse-de Beaufort," she tittered. "Do you want me to own one 'of those'?"

"No!" he denied hotly. "Well, maybe."

"Noted," she grinned. "Come on, poppet."

oOoOoOo

A roar rang through the entire house, vaguely resembling Pam's name.

"What's going on?" Sookie asked, worried and confused.

"Wait here," Pam replied shortly, zipping off to find her maker holding Jason by the throat against a tile wall.

"Explain," he grit out, "Why the fuck your husband was jerking me off!"

"Put him down!" Pam snarled, setting her claws into her Maker's shoulders as she watched Jason gasp desperately for air. Reluctantly, he obliged, Pam instantly moving beside Jason, offering him a glass of water and tenderly running her hands through his hair.

"I want a fucking explanation!" Eric replied tersely.

"You'll get it," Pam growled back, "when I give a fuck!"

"Eric?" Sookie whispered, peeking into the bathroom, slapping her hand over her eyes immediately when she saw he was naked.

"Pam, explain!" he demanded once more, wrapping a towel around his waist.

"You two had amnesia," Niall answered, popping in with Dr. Ludwig by his side.

"Amelia?" Sookie questioned knowingly.

"The very one," the tiny doctor affirmed. "You know that girl shouldn't be allowed near magic. Let me look you over, Toots."

"I can wait," Sookie replied with a sigh. "Make sure Jason's okay first."

"Sookie, I-" Eric tried to apologise when he saw the pain in her eyes over the harm her brother had suffered under another vampire's hands.

"Just stay away," she replied, surprisingly calm. "Really, really, far away."

"I'm sorry," he whispered while exiting the room, not sure whether she had heard him or not as she sped to her brother's side.

"Eric, you really should stay here for now," Pam advised when he looked ready to fly out of her home, having found his clothes in the adjoining bedroom.

"Why the FUCK should I do that, Pam? You heard Sookie-"

"Eric, trust me," she spoke soothingly. "You'll want Dr. L to examine you. Your stomach-"

"I'm a fucking vampire, my stomach hurts after some witch fucked up on epic scale! I'll be fucking FINE!"

"Eric, you're not leaving till Ludwig says you're fine," she warned in a tone that made him take notice. _When the fuck did Pam become motherly?_

His eyes narrowed, knowing the look she sported now could only spell trouble, "What aren't you telling me?"

"Eric," she gulped, not quite sure where to direct her gaze. "You're pregnant."

* * *

 **A/N: Cookies for anyone who saw that happening! Will it be kittens or weird fanged fairy hybrids with a penchant for cream?**

 **Thanks to msbuffy as always!**


	20. Chapter 20 - The Family Way

**A/N: Apologies for the long delay, life happened. Good news is I've finished up this story and will be posting the chapters in reasonably quick order. My WP blog is always a few chapters ahead if you're dreadfully impatient just note that due to FF's system the chapter numbers don't correspond one to one. It's good to be back!**

" _Explain," he grit out, "Why the fuck your husband was jerking me off!"_

" _Put him down!" Pam snarled, setting her claws into her Maker's shoulders as she watched Jason gasp desperately for air. Reluctantly, he obliged, Pam instantly moving beside Jason, offering him a glass of water and tenderly running her hands through his hair._

" _I want a fucking explanation!" Eric replied tersely._

" _You'll get it," Pam growled back, "when I give a fuck!"_

" _Eric?" Sookie whispered, peeking into the bathroom, slapping her hand over her eyes immediately when she saw he was naked._

" _Pam, explain!" he demanded once more, wrapping a towel around his waist._

" _You two had amnesia," Niall answered, popping in with Dr. Ludwig by his side._

" _Amelia?" Sookie questioned knowingly._

" _The very one," the tiny doctor affirmed. "You know that girl shouldn't be allowed near magic. Let me look you over, Toots."_

" _I can wait," Sookie replied with a sigh. "Make sure Jason's okay first."_

" _Sookie, I-" Eric tried to apologise when he saw the pain in her eyes over the harm her brother had suffered under another vampire's hands._

" _Just stay away," she replied, surprisingly calm. "Really, really, far away."_

" _I'm sorry," he whispered while exiting the room, not sure whether she had heard him or not as she sped to her brother's side._

" _Eric, you really should stay here for now," Pam advised when he looked ready to fly out of her home, having found his clothes in the adjoining bedroom._

" _Why the FUCK should I do that, Pam? You heard Sookie-"_

" _Eric, trust me," she spoke soothingly. "You'll want Dr. L to examine you. Your stomach-"_

" _I'm a fucking vampire, my stomach hurts after some witch fucked up on epic scale! I'll be fucking FINE!"_

" _Eric, you're not leaving till Ludwig says you're fine," she warned in a tone that made him take notice. When the fuck did Pam become motherly?_

 _His eyes narrowed, knowing the look she sported now could only spell trouble, "What aren't you telling me?"_

" _Eric," she gulped, not quite sure where to direct her gaze. "You're pregnant."_

 **Chapter 19 - The Family Way**

"Of course he doesn't want to talk to me," Sookie sighed. "I cat-raped him!"

"I'm sure it was nothing like that," Gran soothed, effectively shutting up Godric in one glance at his attempt to reveal exactly why Eric was unwilling to speak to her and ignoring her in every way possible. They'd had quite the discussion earlier, and Gran had stressed firmly that the only one to reveal to Sookie they were expecting was Eric.

"Jason said-" Sookie whispered, traitorous tears flowing down her cheeks.

"Hush, now," Gran chided. "It's nobody's fault. He'll talk to you soon enough."

"Just get yourself some of that throw away lingerie and show up ready and willing in his hidey hole," Claude shrugged, reaching for another slice of Gran's pie only to be firmly smacked with the serving spoon.

"Sure!" Sookie exclaimed incredulously. "Because that's what every rape victim wants! To be traumatised all over again!"

"Fine!" he huffed back, soothing the back of his stinging hand. "Wear clothes then, but the longer you let him hide, the harder it is to reach him."

"You two do need to talk," Gran agreed. "Godric?"

"I will talk to him again," he offered. "It will be up to him when."

Sookie nodded, dreading the mere thought while at the same time hating that he was avoiding her so adamantly, and getting up in a rush, she announced, "I think I'm going to be sick."

oOoOoOo

Two weeks had passed and she'd still yet to receive any reply from Eric. She'd sent flowers only for them to be returned, tried to make an appointment through his secretary only to be told Mr. Northman was ill. _Yeah right, like vampires ever got sick!_ Whenever she asked Godric, all he would offer was that Eric wasn't ready yet. Angrily she kicked a lone pebble over the pavement, doing little to expel her frustration with the entire situation.

"Stupid rock," she mumbled to herself when suddenly, she spotted an all too familiar blonde head in the distance. Her heart sank, he didn't seem depressed or despondent. He was fucking smiling, joking with some sales assistant, a very pretty sales assistant at that. Suddenly, a hand was resting on his, accompanied by a flirtatious smile, and, without thinking, Sookie had rushed into the store, missing the vampire's disapproving expression while politely warding of the woman's advances, yelling loudly, "Eric!"

His entire body tensed at the sound of the voice that he'd so desperately been avoiding all this time. "I'll take this," he instructed the sales girl, thrusting a wad of cash at her dismissively. He spun on his heels, and guiltily he greeted, "Sookie."

"Well, it's nice knowing you still know my name!"

"Can we not do this here?" he requested lowly.

"Shit," she apologised, catching sight of herself in a mirror, angry and intimidating. Backing up her arms in the air she added, "I'm sorry. I never should've- I'm gonna go..."

"Sookie, wait," Eric said, reaching for her arm to stop her from running off in a mess of tears.

"No, I understand you want nothing to do with me," she whispered, dragging her sleeve over her face in an attempt to make herself somewhat presentable in this already mortifying experience. "I'm really sorry."

He sighed deeply, as much as he tried to avoid her she was always there in his mind, which was kind of the problem. "You wanted to talk, so we probably should."

"Now?" she whispered, terrified and relieved by the possibility at the same time. He nodded, taking the shopping bag from the returned assistant and thanking her politely. He offered out his arm to Sookie who regarded it with confusion before linking her own in his. "Where should we go?"

"Don't care," he shrugged. "As long as there's a bathroom nearby."

"I want you to feel safe," she said sternly, remembering all the literature she had consulted. "Maybe you want someone there for you, Godric or Pam?"

He regarded her curiously, "Sookie, what are you on about?"

"You really need me to spell it out for you?" He nodded, his look of confusion remaining unchanged. "I… I assaulted you," she trembled while he failed to react. "I _forced_ you when we were cats."

"Jesus Christ," he cried out when he began to understand what she was trying to say. "You think you raped me?"

"Don't try to talk this right!" she replied hotly. "What I did was wrong! It should never have happened! I'll regret it every single day for the rest of my life!"

"Sookie," Eric warned, trying to temper her hysterics by clasping onto her shoulders. "I can't remember much of our feline adventures or much else for that matter, but I'm pretty sure _that_ didn't happen. And even if it did, we were fucking cats! It wasn't _you!"_

Sookie gasped loudly, "You really think that?" she asked disbelievingly. "You shouldn't rationalise your trauma! It's not healthy, and now I'm only adding to it by confronting you like this! I'm a terrible person-"

"Sookie, will you stop!" he demanded. "What is it going to take to convince you that you didn't fucking rape me?"

"I don't know… Memories would be nice."

"I hear you," he agreed. "We're just going to have to accept that whatever happened, happened. And know this, Sookie Stackhouse, I'd never say 'no' to you, whatever shape or form you came in."

"Oh," she replied, somewhat surprised by that revelation. "Wait, why have you been avoiding me then?"

"I thought we decided to talk later," he replied carefully. "Maybe in a week or so?"

"No! Tell me now!"

"I don't owe you a thing," he warned. "Just for that I'm not telling you at all!"

Stomping her feet, Sookie demanded, "Why the hell not?"

"Because I'm fucking pregnant," he grumbled under his breath, spinning on his heels, and walking away from her.

"What do you mean pregnant?" Sookie cried out after him in a panic, having only heard the last part of the sentence. "I can't be pregnant! I'd know if I was pregnant!" Eric continued to ignore her, pacing down the sidewalk in determination. Popping up in front of him, she demanded hotly, "AND why would you ignore me if you'd thought I was pregnant?"

"Not you," he seethed.

"You knocked someone else up?" she demanded, the jealousy of that particular revelation difficult to hide anywhere on her angered face. "How the hell did that happen?"

"ME! You idiot, _I'm_ fucking pregnant!"

"Haha! Stop playing," she huffed angrily, hands firmly on her hips. "Spit it out!"

He pulled her aside, away from the pedestrians that continued to give curious glances at the standstill in the middle of the sidewalk. "I'm telling the fucking truth," he spoke lowly. "Probably."

"Probably?"

"It's not like I can take a test without urine, now can I? Can't remember the last time I had a period either."

"Well, why do you think you're pregnant?" she asked in confusion, barely managing to wrap her head around the possibility.

"Pam."

"Pam?"

"She has an ear for it, was even a midwife for a while," he replied, omitting the sudden onset of sore nipples and night time nausea, and then offering in explanation, " _Pam and pussies are a no brainer._ Also, she heard us, _many times._ Ludwig thinks it's possible, but can't say for certain. It might just be indigestion, or I might just be in the early stages of pregnancy for the rest of eternity. We're in unchartered territories here. _"_

"Oh," Sookie stammered, blushing furiously at the thought of her feline alter ego. "Is it mine?"

"Well, unless some other cat had his way with me, yeah, probably. Pam said you were very protective of me."

"And you didn't think it was important to tell me?" she cried out, swatting his arm hard before realising that probably wasn't a nice thing to do to a pregnant man, vampire, _whatever._ "Were you just hoping to get rid of it and think I'd never find out? I can't believe what I'm hearing!"

"Calm the fuck down, will you?" Eric growled. "I was going to tell you when I knew for certain. Pam isn't exactly a match for science, magic induced or otherwise."

"And if you are?" she asked nervously.

"I don't know," he confessed. "You can't expect me to be carry kittens for nine months, can you?"

"But they're _our_ kittens!"

"Sookie," he sighed with a shake of his head. "You can't be serious?"

"If I fathered those things, I should at least have a say!"

"Tough! It's the 21st Century," he grit out. "My body, my choice."

A loud gasp escaped her, thoroughly annoyed how right he was, even though it was working against her. "Will you let me be there at least?" she whispered sadly to her feet. "I don't want you going through this all alone."

A small smile emerged, his hand cupping her cheek so he could see her eyes again, "I haven't decided a thing yet, if there's anything to decide at all. It's just-"

"Confusing?"

"Yeah," he nodded. "Speaking of…"

"I'm not confusing," she denied with a smile against his hand, ignoring the rather unmanly snort that escaped him. "Hey, I was heading to Gran's for dinner. Want to come along?"

Eric actually quite liked the thought of that, until realisation hit, becoming nauseous as he asked, "Will there be food?"

"Yeah, lots," she answered with a scrunch to her face. "So, will you come?"

He regretted even asking the question, his stomach already churning at the mere thought of the expansive spread Adele Stackhouse would undoubtedly set out. He needed a toilet, _and fast_.

"Eric!" Sookie yelled after him, startled by his sudden speeding away from her with what she thought was his hand covering his mouth. Angrily she kicked at a wall before reluctantly popping herself to Gran's.

oOoOoOo

"What's got you looking so glum, pussycat?" Pam purred when she spotted Sookie sulking at the table.

"Let her be, Pamela," Godric warned, rubbing Sookie's back in support.

Pam did nothing of the sort, scooting in awfully close and playing with the locks of her hair. "Cat's out of the bag, then?" she sniggered.

"Pam," Sookie whispered in a hiss. Gesturing at the large gathering of people, she explained, "Not here, okay?"

"We already know," Claude shrugged, miming a pregnant belly in demonstration.

"All of you?" Sookie stammered, receiving only a few guilty looks, and the rest merely shrugged as if it were no big deal.

"You know how Supernaturals gossip," Claudine offered consolingly.

Angrily she jumped out of her seat, staring the entire table down while ignoring Gran's reprimanding stare, "None of you thought to tell me? How could you!"

Pam yanked her back down, the speed of which dizzied her slightly, "Cool your tits, Stackhouse," she growled, adding thoughtfully, "Or rather, allow me."

"It wasn't anyone's business here to tell," Adele spoke sternly, ending all further protestations.

"You know," Pam hinted in a nonchalant tone that was anything but, "You should really consider making an honest man out of my Maker. _Quick."_ It would certainly solve Pam's problems, _quick._

Sookie stared at her in disbelief, "What?"

"If you get on it now, no one would ever know those bastards were conceived out of wedlock," she replied matter of fact. "It's simply the right thing to do, Sookie."

"Yeah," Jason added, motivated by a prompt kick below the table from his wife. "It's the family way, or somethin'."

Sookie became rather disconcerted when both Gran and Godric nodded along in agreement. "Boo!" Claude cried out in protest. "Don't listen to the old fogies!"

"You're so lucky you're gay," Claudine said towards her brother in a reprimanding tone. "You'd make for a terrible father. I can just imagine a whole string of unacknowledged children with a giant ego."

"I can still adopt," he shrugged with a malicious glint to his eyes. "I can adopt Eric and Sookie's kittens!"

"My _babies_ ," Sookie growled out in annoyance, the wooden seat under her shrieking against the floor with the violence at which she thrust it backwards this time, and leaning over the table, she warned Claude, "You stay away from them!"

"I stand corrected," Claude grinned. "Marry the vampire then. Wait, you already did!"

"What?" Sookie stammered in confusion while Claude giggled in delight.

"Shut up, shut up, shut up," Pam warned lowly. Sookie's eyes narrowed on the vampiress beside her instantly, demanding confirmation, though the guilty look from her brother spoke volumes, and weakly Pam offered, "Surprise!"

It turned out Pam was the surprised one in the end, the words of warning that she was going to be sick never made it out of Sookie's mouth this time, instead the entire content of her stomach splattered all over the vampiress' brand new outfit from Chanel. In horror, all Pam could do was stare at the destruction of the expensive fabric, ruined for eternity. With a low warning tone, her gaze firmly attached to the source of Sookie bodily upset, the vampiress taunted, "I hope you get really, really, _fat!"_

 **A/N: Thanks to msbuffy. I'll leave you all to speculate…**


	21. Chapter 21 - Off

_"You know," Pam hinted in a nonchalant tone that was anything but, "You should really consider making an honest man out of my Maker. Quick." It would certainly solve Pam's problems, quick._

 _Sookie stared at her in disbelief, "What?"_

 _"If you get on it now, no one would ever know those bastards were conceived out of wedlock," she replied matter of fact. "It's simply the right thing to do, Sookie."_

 _"Yeah," Jason added, motivated by a prompt kick below the table from his wife. "It's the family way, or somethin'."_

 _Sookie became rather disconcerted when both Gran and Godric nodded along in agreement. "Boo!" Claude cried out in protest. "Don't listen to the old fogies!"_

 _"You're so lucky you're gay," Claudine said towards her brother in a reprimanding tone. "You'd make for a terrible father. I can just imagine a whole string of unacknowledged children with a giant ego."_

 _"I can still adopt," he shrugged with a malicious glint to his eyes. "I can adopt Eric and Sookie's kittens!"_

 _"My babies," Sookie growled out in annoyance, the wooden seat under her shrieking against the floor with the violence at which she thrust it backwards this time, and leaning over the table, she warned Claude, "You stay away from them!"_

 _"I stand corrected," Claude grinned. "Marry the vampire then. Wait, you already did!"_

 _"What?" Sookie stammered in confusion while Claude giggled in delight._

 _"Shut up, shut up, shut up," Pam warned lowly. Sookie's eyes narrowed on the vampiress beside her instantly, demanding confirmation, though the guilty look from her brother spoke volumes, and weakly Pam offered, "Surprise!"_

 _It turned out Pam was the surprised one in the end, the words of warning that she was going to be sick never made it out of Sookie's mouth this time, instead the entire content of her stomach splattered all over the vampiress' brand new outfit from Chanel. In horror, all Pam could do was stare at the destruction of the expensive fabric, ruined for eternity. With a low warning tone, her gaze firmly attached to the source of Sookie bodily upset, the vampiress taunted, "I hope you get really, really, fat!"_

* * *

"It's your own fault really," Pam pointed out, matter of fact, while studying a scientific model of a foetus in utero with disgust, only managing to clumsily catch the slippery little bugger when she poked too hard at it. "You were constantly begging to become a lady."

"Pam will you shut up?" Eric growled out while nervously bouncing his knee. No wonder humans hated doctors. And Pam. Especially a Pam who delighted in retelling what a sad excuse of a vampire he'd become without his memories and sickening infatuation with Sookie.

"Oh it's you," Pam spat out when in walked said object of infatuation. "How nice of you to show up," she rang out sweetly, albeit disingenuously.

"Pam," Eric warned once more, "She asked her to be here. The same can't be said about you." Pam sneered in reply, and ignoring her, he turned toward Sookie, greeting her while patting the empty seat beside him. With a nervous smile and a muffled greeting, she sank down next to him.

"You okay?" she whispered, causing Pam to huff demonstratively at purposely being left out of the conversation, as if she couldn't hear, while wondering what she was supposed to be doing with the plastic monstrosity in her hands. She never wanted a baby, and especially not this wrinkly one. Eric nodded in reply to Sookie, though feeling anything but okay and asked her the same. "Okay, I guess," she smiled with the same vulnerability he was feeling.

"Stackhouse, Northman," Dr Ludwig interrupted, tapping away at her clipboard. "It's go time."

"Stay here," Eric warned Pam when they collectively got up, and the warning glare that accompanied it only just managing to shut up her protestations.

"Sit," Ludwig commanded, her hand pointing vaguely in the direction of the two empty seats opposite hers while remaining obscured by the computer monitor. "Still feeling nauseous?"

"Yes," Sookie and Eric both replied in tandem, nervously looking at the other each and every time the doctor queried another symptom they replied identically to.

"Interesting," she noted while scooting out of her chair and towards the examination table. Switching on the sonogram equipment, she demanded, "Who wants to go first then?"

"Is it possible we're both-?" Sookie asked tentatively.

"With that witchy friend of yours?" Ludwig countered mockingly. "Yep, she screwed up royally. And you two screwed, royally. You were turned into cats on two separate occasions, cats don't tend to screw unless one of them is in heat. Now one of you get on this table, time's a ticking."

"Go on," Eric encouraged a nervous Sookie, though in any other moment she would have argued that he should go first instead, but without much further thought she was on the examination table with her shirt pulled up slightly to expose her belly. With a scoff Ludwig shoved her pants down further, causing her to shriek out an embarrassed eep.

"Seriously?" the doctor reprimanded, squirting out the cool gel over her stomach. "You might be carrying his child, but you're embarrassed he'll see your lower stomach?"

"We were cats!" Sookie rebutted lamely.

"Keep telling yourself that," she dismissed in return, "I know heat when I see it." Her eyes remained glued to the small screen while moving the wand over her stomach. Sookie let out another cry when she shoved it in harder. "Clean as a whistle," she pronounced while thrusting a paper towel at Sookie to clean herself up.

"You mean it's healthy?" Sookie asked with wonder.

"Nope," Ludwig. "Ordinary healthy womb, that's all. Vampire, you're up next."

"But if I'm not pregnant," Sookie countered, a hint of disappointment lacing her voice while Eric seemed to be sighing a breath of relief, "He wouldn't be either, right? We have the same symptoms, it must be the aftermath of the spell. Pam and her supersonic hearing must just be off."

Eric was liking the sound of that theory, re-buttoning the top buttons of his jeans already, only for an impatient Ludwig to yank them back open again and point him towards the examination table, "Not so fast, Vampire. The Faerie's hardly a medical expert, now is she?"

"What are you thinking?" he demanded while reluctantly positioning himself for examination, loathing the forced position of vulnerability. Ludwig was quick to prep him and started probing him with the wand, not replying to him either way, humming a strangely familiar song, while she continued to scrutinise the imaging with narrowed eyes.

"Sympathy pains, very common in Supernatural pregnancies," Niall chimed in, popping up out of nowhere, his gaze following Ludwig's on the screen. "We'll want a DNA test, just to be sure."

"Naturally," the doctor agreed, suddenly very amenable to the mighty Prince of the Realm in her examination room, pressing the print button on demand.

"Great-Granddaddy!" Sookie scolded, for both his intrusion and presumptuousness. He responded to neither, still busying himself with photogenic angles he wanted copies of while Eric bitterly bit his tongue, tempering his rage that sought to destroy every piece of furniture in the room along with the annoying Supernatural duo who had just confirmed him magically pregnant. He'd start with that stupid sonogram equipment first. No, wait, the Faery Prince, surely it was all his fault.

A small hammering thud interrupted his thoughts as it filled the room with increasing volume, forcing Sookie to quicken to his side, and collectively they stared at the tiny beating image on the screen they could now both view. Niall and Ludwig were still talking, but neither one of them paid them any attention anymore.

"Please?" Sookie whispered, a tear prickling at her eye while his hand sought out hers to tangle his fingers in among. With a small nod he agreed, not exactly sure why, but there was something there moving in among the sea of black and squiggly white lines, and unlike anything else in his long existence it was something he could definitively call, mine.

An impatient and gloating Pam had been distracted with a shiny plastic credit card and orders to find him a suitable wardrobe for the months ahead. Her misdiagnosis of Sookie was quickly passed off as petty revenge for ruining her outfit, yet Pam never was one to admit her wrongs and proving to be the opportunist, she posited all would be square between her and Sookie with another trip to Chanel. Sookie had wanted to protest, but sensing the tire in Eric's eyes she'd kept quiet while he agreed.

They'd left Niall to discuss details with Ludwig. Sookie was determined to have a rather stern conversation about his overbearing ways, but for now, uncharacteristically, she just followed Eric's lead. Unfortunately, he had little grasp of what to do next as the information was slowly sinking in, his ability to deny the situation lost to him now, so they simply stood waiting on the pavement outside Dr. Ludwig's medical office until one of them had the wherewithal to hail a cab. Neither one of them could exactly remember who it was. Without much thought, Eric had given his old address to the driver where Sookie now resided, and wordlessly he had followed her up to the top floor when she questioningly beckoned him out of the taxi with a mere glance.

"So we're married now," Sookie said, breaking the silence while opening her front door.

"So I've been told," he replied, it all seemed rather insignificant now, no matter how mad he'd been with Pam for withholding that bit of information from him. "Cataliades is on it."

"I know," she hummed. "I told him not to rush it."

He looked at her in confusion while she seemed to be gathering her nerves, it was an odd sight. He'd never seen her truly intimidated by him.

"I think we should try, you know," she trailed off.

"For the baby?" he finished, his tone harsh.

"Yes!" she replied, amending quickly, "I mean not because, but... I don't know how to explain, Eric."

"Would you be proposing this without the baby?" he scrutinised.

"No," she admitted, wringing her hands, startled by the look on Eric's face that was indicating he'd heard all he wanted to hear. "Wait," she urged, reaching for his hand again as if he really was about to walk off and leave mid-conversation. She wouldn't put it past him at this point, after all they'd been through. "What I'm trying to say is, we were going to go on a date."

"You're a very strange creature, Sookie Stackhouse," he replied. "It's what I like about you, but I've stopped following your logic a long time ago."

"We were going to go on a date," she repeated. "Then, you know, if it went well, maybe another, and then, you know… stuff happens."

"Stuff?"

"Stuff that leads to babies," she huffed. "If we were normal. Anyhow stuff that already happened."

"Sex," he corrected, a huge grin emerging, the thoughts of sex and Sookie tended to do that. It was after all why he cursed her specific, albeit glorious, breasts on a daily basis, who just happened to haunt him on a daily basis, which wasn't very helpful when he was trying to forget the possibility that the owner of said breasts had possibly magically impregnated him. Somehow as much as that possibility had terrified him, the odd imagery now printed out and firmly tucked in his wallet wasn't as scary anymore. If there ever was going to be a vampire to carry a baby to term, he wasn't the worst of his kind to do so.

"Yeah," she squirmed, cheeks flaming. "Is it really that wrong of me to think that if those things go well that somewhere down the line that leads to marriage? I was raised human after all, well, mostly."

"So," he began, his tone gravelly while closing the small distance between them, causing her breath to hitch. "What you were trying to say was, why stop something that was already on its course if that's where we might end up anyway."

"I think you should move in!" she blurted out in response. "I mean come inside me! With me! Cheese and rice, what is wrong with me?"

"You're nervous," he replied with a laugh, delighting in the reveals of her Freudian slip, his hand coming to caress her cheek. "It's cute."

"I'm not cute," she huffed, averting the statement, but making no sign of moving out of their close stance.

Eric ignored the renunciation, offering instead, "You're not wrong either."

"What?" she asked with confusion, finding his lips suddenly very close to hers.

"Invite me in, Sookie."

"You already have an invite," she managed to stammer in confusion while responding to his suddenly probing lips as they moved against hers with familiarity, momentarily forgetting exactly what they were discussing again.

"Invite me in," he repeated while they clumsily moved into the apartment entangled in the other, despite the difference in height and navigating walking backwards while kissing, when she didn't respond beyond the murmurs and appreciative moans as his hands roamed her body, he simply asked, hoping to settle more than one lingering confusion all at once, "Socks on or off?"

Finally catching on, she replied with a knowing glint to her eyes, nervousness and embarrassment long gone, dragging his body towards her bedroom, "Off, definitely off."

* * *

 **A/N: Glad to see you all back again! Hope you enjoyed this little chapter to ease us back in with these two. Thoughts, comments, etc. all very welcome below :D Much thanks to msbuffy as ever**!


	22. Chapter 22 - Bringing up Baby

_"_ _We were going to go on a date," she repeated. "Then, you know, if it went well, maybe another, and then, you know… stuff happens."_

 _"_ _Stuff?"_

 _"_ _Stuff that leads to babies," she huffed. "If we were normal. Anyhow stuff that already happened."_

 _"_ _Sex," he corrected, a huge grin emerging, the thoughts of sex and Sookie tended to do that. It was after all why he cursed her specific, albeit glorious, breasts on a daily basis, who just happened to haunt him on a daily basis, which wasn't very helpful when he was trying to forget the possibility that the owner of said breasts had possibly magically impregnated him. Somehow as much as that possibility had terrified him, the odd imagery now printed out and firmly tucked in his wallet wasn't as scary anymore. If there ever was going to be a vampire to carry a baby to term, he wasn't the worst of his kind to do so._

 _"_ _Yeah," she squirmed, cheeks flaming. "Is it really that wrong of me to think that if those things go well that somewhere down the line that leads to marriage? I was raised human after all, well, mostly."_

 _"_ _So," he began, his tone gravelly while closing the small distance between them, causing her breath to hitch. "What you were trying to say was, why stop something that was already on its course if that's where we might end up anyway."_

 _"_ _I think you should move in!" she blurted out in response. "I mean come inside me! With me! Cheese and rice, what is wrong with me?"_

 _"_ _You're nervous," he replied with a laugh, delighting in the reveals of her Freudian slip, his hand coming to caress her cheek. "It's cute."_

 _"_ _I'm not cute," she huffed, averting the statement, but making no sign of moving out of their close stance._

 _Eric ignored the renunciation, offering instead, "You're not wrong either."_

 _"_ _What?" she asked with confusion, finding his lips suddenly very close to hers._

 _"_ _Invite me in, Sookie."_

 _"_ _You already have an invite," she managed to stammer in confusion while responding to his suddenly probing lips as they moved against hers with familiarity, momentarily forgetting exactly what they were discussing again._

 _"_ _Invite me in," he repeated while they clumsily moved into the apartment entangled in the other, despite the difference in height and navigating walking backwards while kissing, when she didn't respond beyond the murmurs and appreciative moans as his hands roamed her body, he simply asked, hoping to settle more than one lingering confusion all at once, "Socks on or off?"_

 _Finally catching on, she replied with a knowing glint to her eyes, nervousness and embarrassment long gone, dragging his body towards her bedroom, "Off, definitely off."_

* * *

Sookie awoke with a contented smile on her face that only seemed to grow with the resurfacing memories that had finally put her to sleep despite her best efforts to stay awake and never let the night end. After the initial fumbling and inevitable warning glare when a rather impatient vampire had threatened to rip off her clothing, things had gone surprisingly rather well and, most importantly, without any interruptions. However, when her arms stretched wide, she found the bed unexpectedly empty and with a startle, found no trace of the vampire at all. Mild panic struck instantly, _had it all been a dream?_

It hadn't. Spotting a stray sock that was definitely not hers confirmed as much when she switched on her bedside lamp, and, slipping on her robe, she went in search of Eric. Her bathroom proved empty though surprisingly cleaner than she remembered, it almost sparkled like it did on TV commercials. She happily blamed it on Eric's prowess, _it made everything look better after all._

"What are you doing?" Sookie demanded after she found him in her laundry room, startling the vampire into dropping the towel in his hands and angrily throwing it back into the washing machine while grumbling about 'bacteria' and 'contamination.'

"This place is filthy!" he announced. "How can you live like this?" Sookie gasped, outraged, only for him to continue to rant, "And who folds like this? It's messy. Everyone knows to fold in three lengthways and then in four." She blinked, stunned to silence while he demonstrated his 'superior' towel folding techniques. "Then you stack them alternatingly, really, Sookie, it isn't that _hard."_

"What?" Sookie finally managed to splutter. "Why?"

He merely shrugged, "Why not?"

"I need a gallon of coffee," she grumbled, "and some pancakes."

"I threw out all your food," he continued, sanguinely carrying on with the rest of the load. "It was full of chemicals."

"Everything is chemicals!" she cried out, outraged. "What gives you the right?"

He regarded her seriously, answering rather calmly, "It's for the baby."

"You don't eat!"

"Doesn't mean I should be exposing _our_ child to it! I certainly don't want him eating it either. The sooner we get rid of it the better."

"This is insane!" Sookie retorted. "And where did you learn to fold like that?" She was, she had to admit, rather impressed by the very neat stack of towels.

"Martha Stewart," he replied nonchalantly, explaining further when Sookie failed to hide her smile miserably, "Pam had a thing for her, and it was that or the Home Shopping Network for late night TV entertainment in the nineties. The woman is a genius."

"Sure," she replied sardonically. "Hey, Eric."

"What?" he replied, still distracted by his folding.

"Eric," she whispered, "Look at me."

"Not now," he replied with a frown. "Have to get this done."

"Eric, I'm naked!" she cried out, having slipped out of her robe long ago experimentally wondering if he'd notice.

He looked up, sporting her identical look of confusion before dropping what he was doing instantly to fly her into his arms with an excited growl only for his nose to wrinkle, and stepping back he informed with a grimace, "You should probably shower first." Heading towards the bedroom and leaving behind a completely befuddled Sookie, he added with some urgency, "And I need to wash the sheets!"

* * *

"We're going to need to establish some ground rules," Sookie informed brusquely. The shower that left her cleaner than she'd probably ever been in her entire life had done little to lift her mood. "You can't just come into my home and start tossing things out."

"We're married now, are we not?" he countered, setting down a plate of fresh fruit for her that she picked at, but reluctantly ate, annoyed at how good it tasted to her rather empty stomach. She nodded begrudgingly, she'd been fine with the 'we're married' last night, but now, _not so much_. "So this is no longer your home, it is _our_ home. I think we should change the study into Eric Junior's room. We need to redecorate anyhow."

"What the- No! You can't just decide all these things without me! That's not what being married is about at all!" she replied angrily. "And who says it's a boy? It might be Sookie Jr. in there!"

He shrugged, lovingly caressing his stomach, and smiling with the sensation, "It feels like a boy."

"You're going pretty quickly from feeling nothing to knowing everything," Sookie grumbled under her breath.

"I heard that!" he huffed, pulling the plate away at the exact moment Sookie had set her sights on a ripe strawberry, only to be poking at air. "Maybe I should just do this on my own! I keep a much cleaner home; Eric Jr. will certainly be better for it!"

"That's it," Sookie seethed. It was bad enough to be rejected when she was horny, _and naked,_ and for her house to be turned upside down by an obsessive vampire, but now she was _fucking_ hungry and he had taken away her food! "I'm calling Dr. Ludwig! You're going insane!"

"If you think being a responsible parent is 'insane,'" he mimed with quotation marks that frankly looked ridiculous coming from a man his size, no matter the situation, "then by all means call me insane! And please, do call Dr. Ludwig, I'm sure she'll be happy to point out the squalid conditions you consider to be just 'fine.'"

"You're nesting, you idiot!" Sookie cried out. "You've clearly overdosed on the oestrogen. Your penis doesn't even acknowledge me anymore, Mr. Flaccid."

"I am not flaccid!" he seethed, angrily, dropping her plate and foolishly trying to catch the remains as it broke on the edge of the countertop, only for him to cut himself and blood to come gushing out. She sped to his side, wrapping a cloth around it, and shushing his objections of possible germs on the random cloth with an angry glare.

"You okay?" she whispered, while he continued to whimper with her ministrations, his nostrils flaring back and forth with every drop of blood she dabbed away. She gave the skin a soft kiss when the wound healed itself, only for him to make a hungry noise at sight of his blood on her lips. "When was the last time you ate?"

"I-," he replied, startled, "I don't remember."

"What do you mean, you don't remember? How can you not remember?"

"The thought of eating makes me ill," he whimpered, his eyes stuck on her stained lips. "I don't want to throw up."

"For how long?" Sookie demanded sternly.

"Since before," he replied succinctly.

"Before, when?" she scrutinised only for him to remain painfully silent. "Before the whole magic amnesiac cat adventure? Eric, how can you not eat all this time? It's been a month!"

"I'm old," he shrugged, "I don't need to eat much."

"You don't need to?" Sookie practically screamed out. "You complain about the chemicals in my house, but don't bother to eat all this time? You could have killed our baby! Were you trying to kill our baby?" Eric regarded her in alarm, and failing to respond, she concluded, "Oh my God! You were trying to kill our baby!"

He grabbed her arms, urging her to calm down, "Not on purpose!"

"Oh, great!" Sookie retorted angrily, "You were only trying to kill our baby half-heartedly! I should have known better, you're a vampire after all!"

"If you want me to eat, I'll eat!" he growled back angrily, pulling a bottle of the detested TruBlood from the fridge to prove he wasn't a terrible father-to-be. It was chock full of nasty chemicals, but since neither Sookie nor he would be ingesting it, it had been one of the few items to survive the purge. The single gulp he managed to swallow with great disdain flew out the instant it hit the back of his throat. "I'm sorry," he coughed, wiping furiously at his mouth, "I can't."

Her face softened, "Sit," she urged kindly, pointing at the sofa. Wearily, he did as instructed and sat still as she knelt beside him, cleaning away the remnants of synthetic blood with a wet cloth. "You think you can stomach donor blood?" He was about to object verbally only for his stomach to recoil noisily. "Is this why you didn't bite me last night?" she asked, a hint of insecurity lacing her tone while her eyes averted his in fear of the answer.

"No," he replied gently, his hand coming to rest on her cheek, urging her eyes to look up again.

"Oh."

"Not something you do without asking," he explained, hoping to put her at ease. "Not like we talked much before about what is and what isn't okay."

"Sure," she replied, though still visibly feeling rejected.

He pulled her to sit in his lap, tracing the outlines of her face and with a smile he offered, "It's not what you think."

"Don't tell me what to think," she replied coolly. "I'm not an idiot, Eric Northman. Sex and blood go together for vampires, don't try to whitewash it for me."

"I'm not," he replied defensively. "It is for some, it isn't for all. Besides, I bit you once without permission, wasn't going to try that again, was I? You don't hear me demanding to know why you didn't stick your finger up my ass last night either, now am I?"

"What?" she replied in confusion. "You'd want that?"

"On occasion," he deadpanned, adding with a smirk, "You'd have to wash your hands first, Mrs. Filth."

"You're the one who brought it up!" she cried out in mock rage, swatting his chest while poorly hiding her smile.

"Thought it was a Faery thing," he joked, taking her hands in his. "Such delicate fingers you all have."

"I think it's more a Claude thing," Sookie replied with a laugh, watching as his fingers came to rest on the pulse in her wrist, acquiescently her neck shifted in an offering stance, eyes fluttering up to his, "Still hungry?"

Eric's eyes lit up and he proceeded to nuzzle her neck with an answering hungry growl, his tongue running out to numb the increasingly harder beating artery before latching on with a satiated moan that, much to her own surprise, Sookie echoed. She eventually had to squeeze his arm when she started to feel woozy and, unlike the last time this happened, he released her with ease, taking the care to seal the wound while she hazily nuzzled further into him. "Someone's no longer Mr. Flaccid," she giggled into his ear.

"I'll show you flaccid," he growled, flipping her under him on the couch with a loud 'eep', only for it to be swallowed by his lips against hers.

"Good evening, good evening!" Pam interrupted with perhaps a little too much pep.

"Sis!" Jason cried out in delayed response from behind the rolling clothing rack he was pushing in, "Get your filthy paws of him!"

Eric and Sookie regarded each other with shared annoyance, only to set their gaze at the interrupting couple. Trying to regain some semblance of propriety, Sookie clutched her robe closed before scolding her brother, "We're married, Jason, and are about to have a baby, and we have sex, deal with it."

"I-" he spluttered, only to be silenced by a mere raising of Pam's brows, forcing him to grumble out a half-hearted apology.

"What can we do for you, Pam?" Eric asked with a grumble, coming to leisurely sit on the sofa, hoping to further offend Jason with the rather prominent bulge on display.

"Eric!" Sookie cried out as she took in the bulging eyes of her brother, covering the offensive sight with a pillow, only for him to cry out at the sudden assault. With realisation, she gasped, "I'm so sorry!"

"Well, that solves that problem," he grumbled with a groan.

"I'm really sorry," she whispered beside him.

He took her hand, kissing it softly in assurance, "I've suffered through far worse." She nodded, though it had done little to abate her guilt. With a wink he added, "You'll just have to make it up to me later, Mrs. Filth."

"The hell she will! You'll be coming home with us tonight, Sook!" Jason protested, only to be met by three sets of menacing glares, forcing him to tail off, "...or not."

"We brought presents!" Pam announced cheerfully in an effort to distract everyone.

"They're not exactly presents when I paid for them myself," Eric noted, gesturing at the rack of clothes.

"Not those!" she beamed back, thrusting a wrapped slim box at them.

Eric eyed her suspiciously as Sookie took the offering. "You don't give presents, Pam. Not even a baby would make you give parents. What's going on?"

"I'm not _that_ self-involved!" she denied.

"Yes, you are," Eric retorted calmly, his eyes narrowing further.

"Bringing up Baby?" Sookie questioned, holding up the unwrapped DVD.

"How drôle," Eric replied sarcastically, setting aside the screwball comedy starring Katherine Hepburn and Cary Grant caring for a pet leopard, Baby. _Pam never was one for subtlety after all._

"Well, I like it," Sookie smiled, while Pam snickered at her lack of understanding. "Thank you Pam. I love Katherine Hepburn."

"It's human, Pam," Eric warned, he'd studied the sonographic imaging long enough to confirm there wasn't any sign of a tail or fur. Pam merely raised her brow in disbelief, forcing him to amend, "Well, _not_ feline. How did you get in?"

"Adele gave us the keys," Pam beamed excitedly. "Lovely woman she is. She even knitted the baby some socks."

"I'll change the locks," Sookie whispered in assurance to Eric while looking on in horror at the sight of the tiny socks that were made of the exact same fluffy wool that they'd seen Adele crochet around Godric's cock. "And those are never seeing the light of day."

"Agreed," Eric said lowly, "I suppose there's more, Pam?"

"Now why would you think that?" she tittered.

"You're far too joyful," he pointed out. "It's not like you to be this cheery."

"Hey!" Jason protested. "I damn well make her cheery!"

"Shut up, Jason," Pam growled.

With a gulp he responded meekly, "Yes, dear."

"Pam," Eric toned out sternly. "Out with it."

Her tone fell instantly bright again, and handing over a thick envelope, she said, "You are both cordially invited."

"The wedding?" Eric sighed. "Pam, if you think I'm walking you down the aisle pregn-"

She held up her hand, silencing him, "Of course not, Maker mine. Just think of the indecency!"

"The what now?" Jason questioned while Eric opened the thick envelope.

"He did what?!" Eric cried out in rage, dropping the invitation in Sookie's lap who looked equally horrified at what the intricate script spelled out. "I don't care if he's my Maker, he has no right to do this!"

"Eric!" Sookie scolded, though not very happy with the news, she couldn't ignore the insult to her grandmother.

"It's my fucking company," he growled in return, surprising Sookie slightly.

"Gran wrote a book?" Jason perked up eagerly when Sookie handed the invitation to him. "And she gets her own toy line to go with it? No fair!"

"Jas," Sookie warned, but he barely heard her.

"If anyone should get a toy line, it should be me!" he ranted. "What does Gran know about toys anyway? At least I still play with my He-Man collection when it's bath time-"

"Not _those_ kind of toys," Pam cackled, and when Jason merely stared back dumbly, she added, "You know, the kind of toys we bought last night."

"Oh, those toys," Jason grinned knowingly before it finally dawned on him, "Wait, what?! Gran… toys? _Those_ kind of toys?"

In an offer of solidarity Eric proposed, "I'll get a stake, you get a shovel." And with a mere nod that spoke more words than most men ever would, a pact was settled.

* * *

 **A/N: Much thanks to msbuffy who'd I happily supply with a Jason Stackhouse action figure of her own but alas I have yet to find one. So… Eric's nesting with Martha Stewart (one must admit the woman does know how to fold ;) ) and Gran has her very own sex toy line to go with that awful, truly awful, book of hers, I wonder if they've included those fluffy cock cozies?**

 **More Mrs. Filth and Mr. Flaccid next time. Commenty things and stuff welcome below ;)**


	23. Chapter 23 - Semantics

_"You're far too joyful," he pointed out. "It's not like you to be this cheery."_

 _"Hey!" Jason protested. "I damn well make her cheery!"_

 _"Shut up, Jason," Pam growled._

 _With a gulp he responded meekly, "Yes, dear."_

 _"Pam," Eric toned out sternly. "Out with it."_

 _Her tone fell instantly bright again, and handing over a thick envelope, she said, "You are both cordially invited."_

 _"The wedding?" Eric sighed. "Pam, if you think I'm walking you down the aisle pregn-"_

 _She held up her hand, silencing him, "Of course not, Maker mine. Just think of the indecency!"_

 _"The what now?" Jason questioned while Eric opened the thick envelope._

 _"He did what?!" Eric cried out in rage, dropping the invitation in Sookie's lap who looked equally horrified at what the intricate script spelled out. "I don't care if he's my Maker, he has no right to do this!"_

 _"Eric!" Sookie scolded, though not very happy with the news, she couldn't ignore the insult to her grandmother._

 _"It's my fucking company," he growled in return, surprising Sookie slightly._

 _"Gran wrote a book?" Jason perked up eagerly when Sookie handed the invitation to him. "And she gets her own toy line to go with it? No fair!"_

 _"Jas," Sookie warned, but he barely heard her._

 _"If anyone should get a toy line, it should be me!" he ranted. "What does Gran know about toys anyway? At least I still play with my He-Man collection when it's bath time-"_

 _"Not those kind of toys," Pam cackled, and when Jason merely stared back dumbly, she added, "You know, the kind of toys we bought last night."_

 _"Oh, those toys," Jason grinned knowingly before it finally dawned on him, "Wait, what?! Gran… toys? Those kind of toys?"_

 _In an offer of solidarity Eric proposed, "I'll get a stake, you get a shovel." And with a mere nod that spoke more words than most men ever would, a pact was settled._

* * *

"Behave," Sookie warned lowly. "We're here to be supportive."

"Fine," he grumbled. "I'm only here because you made me."

She turned towards him, anger fuelling her eyes. With clenched teeth she continued to inform, "You're here because it's your fricking company hosting this shindig! Stop acting like a child just because you and Jason fell for Godric's trap!"

"We didn't fall for anything!" he denied vehemently. Sookie remained pointedly silent, despite Jason and his embellished retelling of the tall tale that had involved the two hunting down the only copies of the printed books and matching sex toy line to a container in the harbour like special ops with outfits to match, camouflage pink courtesy of Pam, _of course,_ only to find it empty. Godric had soon shown up, bearing a large grin and a slow cap to impress the importance of this launch and that there was little the two of them could do to stop it. Their protestations had only been tempered by the fact that Adele's book would be published under a pseudonym. The projected sales report had swayed Eric somewhat further while Jason had become transfixed with a set of furry handcuffs.

"Whatever," Sookie sighed. "Just be good. I hate these things."

"Me too!" Eric perked up. "Let's get out of here! I'll pretend to be feeling sick. Finally a use for this pregnancy!"

"Oh, no, buddy! We're going in. We're going to smile for the pictures, eat whatever disgusting lukewarm thing they're serving, and pretend to have a great time," she warned. "Besides, 'feeling sick' isn't going to cut it with Gran, even if you are carrying her first great-grandchild. She knows BS when she sees it and even if it was real, she'd still make you go."

By the end of her speech, Sookie appeared even more reluctant to get out of the car to enter the glittery party than he was. "You look beautiful," he offered, hoping to cheer up. "Especially the tits."

A small smile cracked her face, though trying desperately not to laugh and failing miserably, she pecked him on the lips sweetly careful not to mess up her makeup and stain him in the process, "Just wait till you get some of your own, and you'll lose all interest in these."

"Never!" he scoffed. "I like them because they're yours."

Sookie wasn't quite sure how to respond to that, or to the suddenly softened look on his face. Sure, he'd been highly appreciative and complimentary of her body, _the tits in particular._ That often made her wonder if vampires somehow saw things differently than her since Pam seemed programmed much the same. He liked her well enough, she knew that much, but she always just assumed he liked the tits first and took the rest with it as part of the bargain. "I like yours, too," she finally managed to stammer before deciding she really needed find a solid wall to bash her head against for the sheer idiocy of the reply. Quickly Sookie moved to get out of the car so she wouldn't have to witness the hurt and confusion she may have caused.

He surprised her by not enquiring further as to what she meant, and linking her arm in his, he simply asked, "So, why do you hate these things?"

"What?"

"You said you hated these things, I'd like to know why."

She looked up at him by her side, finding him innocuous and sincere, "Well, you've witnessed me at these things before. I have to behave, be the good little Faery Princess while constantly being bombarded with how I'm not living up to form by Gran, Niall, and everybody else." She tapped her head in demonstration at the tail end of the sentence. "There's a lot of them and it's difficult to tune it all out. You'd be surprised how many people root for you to fail to feel better about themselves, but all it takes is one really. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I try my hardest, I fail, and usually end up drinking too much, huddling in a corner with Claude playing 'guess the thought' so I don't get the full brunt of the blame."

"Guess the thought?"

"I pick up a stray thought, and Claude then has to guess who it belongs to."

"Sounds fun," he grinned.

"Sure," she replied suspiciously, knowing exactly how stupid it sounded. "Probably won't be allowed to anymore. I'll be expected to play the good little wife from now on."

"You don't have to play."

"I know I don't _have_ to play, but it's the only bit of fun I ever had at these things, no matter how lame it sounds."

"I meant you don't have to play 'the good little wife'," he corrected. "You _are_ a good wife. And little. Except the tits, obviously."

"Sure," she retorted disbelievingly.

"Well, you're a terrible cleaner," he acknowledged, "but that's what maids are for."

"Asshole," she smiled, swatting his chest half-heartedly, his mock outrage only further loosening the stance of her lips, and without thought she added, "Love you, too." Her eyes widened in horror. What was wrong with her brain to mouth function tonight? It was way too soon to be saying anything of the sort, never mind be feeling it! She sprang from his arms, practically running in the deeply uncomfortable heels and dress towards the entrance of the party venue, crying out, "Oh, God!" only to find herself crashing into the tall form she was running from, seemingly forgetting about their respective supernatural powers. He regarded her with complete confusion as she tried her best to wiggle free from his hold.

"Sookie! What did I do?"

"You didn't do anything!" she yelled back, tears threatening to release themselves, despite her iron clad will.

"Was I supposed to say it, too? Did I miss something?"

She calmed somewhat at the sight of guilt on his face when this was of her making, "No, it's my fault. All of it, I never should have said it."

"Why?" he asked, becoming more confused by the second.

"It's too soon, it's too strange, it's not right, it's forcing something from you that's maybe not there," she tried to explain. "Take your pick. It's all sorts of wrong."

"Humans," he scoffed.

It was her turn to be confused now, "What?"

"Humans, since the invention of the Romantic Period to be exact," he adjusted. "Far too much value is placed in that word. And far too many stupid movies about it, _Pam's a real fan_."

"But-"

"You're my wife, I'm your husband. We live together. We're having a baby together. We like being around each other, well, most of the time. We have fantastic sex. Don't be afraid to feel what you feel, whatever it is. Why should a word make that more or less?"

"I don't even know if that's what I feel," she confessed. "It just sort of slipped out."

"That's okay, too," he smiled, pleased to see her calm down and compose herself with a deep breath. "Especially when it's my cock out of these trousers, those tablecloths cover a multitude of sins. A blowjob would be nice, a hand-job if you feel it to be less conspicuous."

"Eric!" she gasped, his tone leaving little indication as to whether he was serious or simply joking, most likely a mixture of both.

"If you weren't wearing those ridiculous Spanx you insisted on wearing, I'd happily return the favour, _fair play_ and all," he replied in all seriousness. "Don't worry, you'll get seen to once we get home."

His closing grin assured her he was most likely joking, and once he offered his arm again to link hers into, she remarked, "We don't live together you know, you just won't leave."

"Semantics," he scoffed.

Her free hand came to rest on his forearm, causing him to slow his step. "You called it home."

"So I did," he replied, not quite catching on to her meaning.

"You called it home," Sookie repeated. " _Our_ home _."_

"Despite not being a native, I've been speaking English for longer than you have, Sookie, and I used the correct word."

"Yes," she replied with a smile. "You did."

"I don't understand."

"Semantics," she explained. He could only regard her with continued confusion in response. "It's too soon and it's messy enough as it is. A part of me thinks it's just being pragmatic, but for now this is what I feel. I want it to be your home, our home. I want you to move in. Officially."

"Semantics," he grinned. "You catch on quick. What makes it official?"

"You bring over some of your stuff, we argue over home decor," she shrugged.

He rolled his eyes, "Exciting."

She smirked, "We have sex in every single room and on every surface imaginable."

That managed to stop him in his already slowing track, "I think we should buy a house, a very large house with many, many, rooms. I like the sound of this 'official' business."

"Thought you would," she grinned. "Not so dismissive of semantics now, are we?"

"Point," he conceded, caressing her cheek with his thumb lightly he added with little thought, "Love you too, _too_."

* * *

 **A/N: Much thanks to msbuffy as ever.**


	24. Chapter 24 - Back

_His closing grin assured her he was most likely joking, and once he offered his arm again to link hers into, she remarked, "We don't live together you know, you just won't leave."_

 _"Semantics," he scoffed._

 _Her free hand came to rest on his forearm, causing him to slow his step. "You called it home."_

 _"So I did," he replied, not quite catching on to her meaning._

 _"You called it home," Sookie repeated. "Our home."_

 _"Despite not being a native, I've been speaking English for longer than you have, Sookie, and I used the correct word."_

 _"Yes," she replied with a smile. "You did."_

 _"I don't understand."_

 _"Semantics," she explained. He could only regard her with continued confusion in response. "It's too soon and it's messy enough as it is. A part of me thinks it's just being pragmatic, but for now this is what I feel. I want it to be your home, our home. I want you to move in. Officially."_

 _"Semantics," he grinned. "You catch on quick. What makes it official?"_

 _"You bring over some of your stuff, we argue over home decor," she shrugged._

 _He rolled his eyes, "Exciting."_

 _She smirked, "We have sex in every single room and on every surface imaginable."_

 _That managed to stop him in his already slowing track, "I think we should buy a house, a very large house with many, many, rooms. I like the sound of this 'official' business."_

 _"Thought you would," she grinned. "Not so dismissive of semantics now, are we?"_

 _"Point," he conceded, caressing her cheek with his thumb lightly he added with little thought, "Love you too, too."_

* * *

"Then what happened, Auntie Pam?"

The vampiress regarded the wide eyes attached to the little teacup coolly, cocking her head slightly before venomously stating, "I'm not your Aunt," adding with a sneer, "It makes me sound… _Old."_

"But you are old!" The accompanying cackle was quickly silenced.

"Do I look old?" Pam demanded, only receiving an audible gulp and a vigorous shake of blonde hair in return. "Good, where was I?"

"The party!"

"Right, the party," she yawned. "We'll save it for the next time. Your mom will be here any moment to pick you up."

"I don't want to go home!" The high-pitched whine did little to sway the stoic vampiress who merely raised a single brow in response. "It smells of shifter there."

"No kidding," Pam agreed with a disgusted wiggle of her nose. "Now, get your things. I don't want Sookie yelling at me that you're not ready to go again."

"Will Uncle Jason be here next time?"

"Yes," Pam replied in an extended breathe, the corners of her mouth moving against gravity slightly in a vague semblance of a wistful smile, one that was quickly eradicated from her features before anyone would notice.

"Will he do the voices?"

"Of course," Pam indulged, "Now if you hurry up and get your things, next time I'll even bring out the socks!" She could barely comprehend the jumble of words spoken between squeals with that promise, but Pam was happy enough with the scramble that resulted in one perfectly-presented child by the front door well before Sookie was set to arrive.

A small plea carried to the vampiress' ears, eyes firmly glued to the floor, small hands tugging at the straps of the Dora the Explorer backpack, "Will you tell me just a little bit now? About what happened next between Momma and Papa?"

Pam exhaled unnecessarily, taking pity on the small child scuffing the edges of their sneakers against the impeccably polished marble floor. "You want to know what happened next?" she questioned, forcing the little face to look up at her with a guiding hand. With an eager nod, she supplied, "What always happens between your mother and father when things are going good."

"What happened?"

"They fucked it all up royally, capital R."

Before there was any time to expand, or for Pam to be called out on her use of the f-word, the doorbell rang and all further questions were silenced as Sookie looked her child over while Pam huffed demonstratively at the insinuation that she wasn't a capable caretaker in Eric's absence.

"Have you heard anything from him?" Sookie asked tentatively once fully assured all was well. Pam merely hummed, not expressing an indicative answer either way. "Pam, please?" she whispered, resembling very much the shy child who had just begged the vampiress for that little bit of extra information while failing to make eye contact at the fear of rejection.

"All is well," she finally answered after the silence had stretched long enough and a drop or two of sweat had travelled down the telepath's forehead. "They'll be back by tomorrow."

Pam froze when the sudden and surprisingly strong arms surrounded her while Sookie whispered a multitude of thanks.

"Momma? What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Sookie assured while wiping away a few errant tears with her sleeves before adding with a big smile, "Nothing is wrong at all, Baby. Now, say goodbye to Pam and thank her for her hospitality."

"Thank you for the hospital, Pam!"

"You're welcome, sprout," she snorted, before practically shoving them out onto the sidewalk, then jokingly adding, "Now go, before I remember the awful mess you always leave behind. Lucky for you I live with Jason, the only one in the world messier than you!"

With a giggle and a wave, and a firm mother's hand, they headed on home. "Did you have a nice time?" Sookie asked with interest while carefully peering into the mind beside her, unpicking the events of the night. She didn't like prying into her own child's mind, but when it came to Pam and her unapologetic ways as well as her severe lack of filter, it was always sensible to check nonetheless. She was well assured that Pam had behaved very well, _by Pam's standards at least_ , so by the time she was tucking her little one into bed, the excited tales were struggling to be told as sleepiness set in.

"Will you tell me about the party?" came the yawned request while Sookie fiddled with the night light.

"What party?" Sookie asked, long having abandoned the interior of the tiny mind as the practicalities of their night routine had set in.

"Grangran's book party."

Caught unaware, a solemn look fell over her face. With reasonable coherence, she managed to sound out, "Pam told you about that?" A small negating shake was given in reply, though the energy to complete it was lacking. "Good," Sookie sighed, kissing the mop of blonde hair that was so reminiscent of Eric. "Sleep now," she urged, though lids had already fallen closed and tiny short breaths soon settled to something resembling a snore.

Sookie didn't know for how long she had sat on the couch, staring at the TV she had never managed to turn on, or perhaps it had and switched itself off again, her mind so lost to that party and its aftermath. "How did it all go so wrong?" she asked no one in particular.

With a startle, she cried out in fear after a voice suddenly answered in a house where she expected to be the only inhabitant aside from her child. "How did what go so wrong?"

"Eric!" she cried out angrily, her hand holding steady over her racing heart. "What are you doing here?"

"You closed the curtains," he stated matter of fact, disappointed that she didn't seem to be expressing any relief or excitement at his safe return, adding pointedly, "Again."

She wiped her sweaty hands on her sides, regaining her composure and replying with elevated hostility, "Pam told me you'd be back tomorrow, and it's not as if she was exactly volunteering that information."

"That's between you and her," he shrugged, his face just as stony. "Now if you don't mind…"

"Don't mind what?" she demanded hotly. Then scoffing, "If you think you can go in there and leave me with an overexcited four-year-old all night while you fly away to God knows where-"

"I just want to see the Bug tucked up safe and sound in its little rug."

"We agreed you could look in through the window after hours, but I'm not letting you in there now. Tomorrow will be a nightmare and I'll be the one having to deal with it!"

"Well, you should have just left the curtains open!" Eric retorted before losing his temper completely at the sight of Sookie's narrowing eyes that only promised an escalation. "Fucking hell, Sookie! I fought to the bloody death, I want to know what I was fighting for is exactly where I left him."

"Fighting for?" Sookie mumbled under her breath. "That's not what I heard."

"What did you hear?" Eric demanded in a hiss.

"Nothing," she threw back. "I hear absolutely NOTHING!"

"Momma?" a sleepy voice interrupted, tiny rubbed eyes instantly expanding at the sight of Eric, without hesitance the little boy jumped into the offered embrace with a squeal and a barrage of questions of where he'd been while Sookie looked on disapprovingly.

"Don't worry, I'll take care of it. This little Bug is going straight back to bed!" Eric retorted with faux cheer toward Sookie, "You don't have to do a thing, and this little one will be the best behaved little boy when you see him come morning. Isn't that right, son?"

Sookie refrained from replying her disbelief at his rather rosy perspective, arms firmly crossed while she watched him take a protesting child back to its bed. She tried to listen in that Leo was, in fact, being settled in and, with a reluctant sigh, headed to her own bedroom, only managing to overhear Eric softly whisper a favoured bedtime story. By the time she'd finished her own night-time routine, she hoped to find Eric gone, leaving behind a firmly asleep child. While said child was firmly asleep, he was, unfortunately for Sookie, firmly attached to Eric. The vampire himself merely shrugged in feigned helplessness at Sookie while setting the book he'd been reading from away carefully, albeit somewhat carelessly. With a held breath, she only just managed to catch it before it crashed to the floor from the overcrowded bedside table that was chiefly populated by dinosaurs, receiving a genuine look of gratitude from Eric and a softness in his eyes she hadn't seen in quite some time.

"I'll take him," she whispered in offering, gesturing a quick reversal of positions. "You must want your rest, too."

"It's okay," he shrugged. "Don't need it."

"You do," she pointed out knowingly. He could hide his injuries pretty well from the excited toddler who had climbed him like a tree, but Sookie had seen the wince and the slight discoloration of his shirt. "Have you fed?"

He nodded while she nervously shifted her feet, unsure where to stand in what were usually such familiar surroundings, whether she should stay or go. Sensing her indecision, he patted the small empty space beside him and, to his utter surprise, she took him up on his offer, and lying by his side, her hands coming to finger the hair of the softly snoring child on his chest. Carefully, he shifted to give her more space, only to find her head suddenly on his bicep. They regarded each other questioningly and when neither one commented on it, she whispered, "It's good to see you back safe and sound."

"It's good to be back," he nodded in agreement. "This," he said, resting his hand atop hers that was still fingering unruly hair, "was worth it."

"I know," she smiled, a smile he was unsure of how to interpret anymore; however, her next words made it clear enough, "I know you'll do anything for our little Bug."

He hummed in agreement, letting go of her hand in the process, and swallowing the sigh of annoyance in her failure to understand what he'd just declared. "I should get some rest, too," he announced, closing his eyes.

"Sure," Sookie nodded, momentarily distracted by the twin set of contented smiles before her as sleep set in. Carefully, she tried to disentangle herself from her constricted position, only to find the arm around her banding her in tighter. A hissed name went 'unheard' by a very 'asleep' vampire. Her attempt at pushing off against his ribs halted when she came into contact with the crusted blood and visible bruising she could faintly make out through a tear in his shirt. With a sigh, she pulled up the blanket, assured he really was very much asleep now, and snuggled up into his side, allowing her own tired eyes to fall closed. "I missed you," she whispered right on the brink of consciousness.

Only when he was sure she was asleep did he reply, "Not as much as I miss you."

* * *

 **A/N: Oh sob… the marriage never lasted and they're no longer together and Jason and Pam still are. The world's gone mad! :D You'll have to forgive me but as much fun as they were having, it never really made for a solid foundation of anything lasting. Not all is lost, of course, these two can never be too far apart after all... and look at the cute kid! Those who know their Latin will surely pick up on the rather apt name ;) More to come soon...**

 **Much thanks to msbuffy as ever for her work on this.**


	25. Chapter 25 - Know

_"I'll take him," she whispered in offering, gesturing a quick reversal of positions. "You must want your rest, too."_

 _"It's okay," he shrugged. "Don't need it."_

 _"You do," she pointed out knowingly. He could hide his injuries pretty well from the excited toddler who had climbed him like a tree, but Sookie had seen the wince and the slight discoloration of his shirt. "Have you fed?"_

 _He nodded while she nervously shifted her feet, unsure where to stand in what were usually such familiar surroundings, whether she should stay or go. Sensing her indecision, he patted the small empty space beside him and, to his utter surprise, she took him up on his offer, and lying by his side, her hands coming to finger the hair of the softly snoring child on his chest. Carefully, he shifted to give her more space, only to find her head suddenly on his bicep. They regarded each other questioningly and when neither one commented on it, she whispered, "It's good to see you back safe and sound."_

 _"It's good to be back," he nodded in agreement. "This," he said, resting his hand atop hers that was still fingering unruly hair, "was worth it."_

 _"I know," she smiled, a smile he was unsure of how to interpret anymore; however, her next words made it clear enough, "I know you'll do anything for our little Bug."_

 _He hummed in agreement, letting go of her hand in the process, and swallowing the sigh of annoyance in her failure to understand what he'd just declared. "I should get some rest, too," he announced, closing his eyes._

 _"Sure," Sookie nodded, momentarily distracted by the twin set of contented smiles before her as sleep set in. Carefully, she tried to disentangle herself from her constricted position, only to find the arm around her banding her in tighter. A hissed name went 'unheard' by a very 'asleep' vampire. Her attempt at pushing off against his ribs halted when she came into contact with the crusted blood and visible bruising she could faintly make out through a tear in his shirt. With a sigh, she pulled up the blanket, assured he really was very much asleep now, and snuggled up into his side, allowing her own tired eyes to fall closed. "I missed you," she whispered right on the brink of consciousness._

 _Only when he was sure she was asleep did he reply, "Not as much as I miss you."_

* * *

Sookie's face scrunched up, waking to a set very observant blue eyes. "Where's-?" she gasped, realising it was just her and Eric in the very small children's bed while the sun was very high in the sky, indicating it was much later in the day.

"I called the nanny," Eric answered. "Figured you'd need the rest."

"You should have discussed that with me," she bit back, suddenly very much awake.

"Didn't want to wake you for that conversation," he noted coolly. "Looked like you hadn't slept that well for a long time."

Her eyes narrowed, not willing to admit how right he really was about that. She'd almost forgotten what a sense of peace sleeping next to a vampire brought in this highly populated city. "I'm not sleeping with you."

"Well, not anymore, no," he replied with an amused grin, a grin that usually set to make many women, and the odd man, instantly relinquish any previous objections, never mind remember them. Sookie, of course, was rather immune to _that_ grin.

"I'm serious," she huffed. "It's not happening."

"Keep telling yourself that," he chuckled, stretching languidly, so his shirt would just allow her an enticing perusal of his abs. As planned, her eyes were drawn in, but, rather than lust rising in her face, he saw concern. Tenderly, she placed her hand on the bruises, tracing the extent of damage sustained.

"Just exactly how involved did it all get?" she whispered, gazing up at him through her lashes and seeking permission to explore beyond the visible slit of naked skin. With a nod, he helped her move his shirt further up, letting out a small hiss as she encountered a deep flesh wound. "Eric!" she hissed in concern.

"I'm fine," he insisted, shoving his shirt down again, moving her hands off his body. "I'll heal."

"Let me patch you up," she offered. "I might have some blood in the freezer, too."

"You don't need to," he insisted. "I don't owe you anything."

"You owe it to our son to be healthy and sound for when he gets home and wants to play," she informed, knowing exactly how to wield his emotional Achilles heel with finesse, "In turn, you can tell me all about why you _needed_ to go start a war over some little spat and sustain all these injuries in the first place. I damn well hope it was worth it!"

He groaned, not looking forward to that conversation one bit, "Can't believe I fell for that."

She grinned back, "Always happens when you have sex on the brain, of which there will be none, Mister."

"If you say so," he returned with a chuckle.

"I mean it!" she huffed, rising from the small bed and gesturing he follow her out to the kitchen.

"Of course you do," he winked.

"You're incorrigible!"

"And you're insatiable."

"Am not," she pouted.

"So are," he spoke lowly and suddenly very close, lips not far from closing in on hers had she not determinedly stepped away from him.

"I mean it, Eric," she reiterated in all seriousness. "All we ever do is fuck and fight. I'm not interested in either right now."

"Ah," he sighed. "Things _are_ serious with the shifter, then."

"I told you, they're not," she replied coolly.

"Trouble in paradise," he grinned, perhaps a little too eagerly, only realising his mistake once he caught the look of pain on her face.

"Jake-" she started, struggling to finish what she needed to say, settling instead on, "He won't be around anymore."

"What did he do?" Eric demanded, barely suppressing the accompanying growl.

"None of your business," she informed while slapping the frozen block of blood against the stone countertop with a loud clang. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Sookie-"

"Eric," she interrupted. "My love life is exactly that, mine. It doesn't concern you."

"When you introduce them to our son, it concerns him, therefore, it concerns me," he retorted. "Just like any woman I'd be seeing concerns you."

"Right," she replied with a roll of her eyes, turning her back on him while tossing the vacuum-sealed blood into the microwave with a thud, knowing full well he preferred it reheated in some warm water. "As if you ever bother to give me that courtesy."

"I would."

"Would," she laughed, spinning round. "Funny that."

"I don't understand," he replied, genuinely bemused.

"Nothing," she shrugged, turning her back on him once more as she started pulling out breakfast for herself.

"Sookie, what have you heard?"

"Nothing."

"Sookie!" he cried out, irritated, appearing right in front of her, so she could no longer actively avoid looking at him. "What have you heard?"

"Why'd you go to war, Eric?" she demanded. "Come on, out with it!"

His eyes narrowed, tracing every little muscle of her face, gaging as to what it was she might be hinting. "Why don't you tell me why you _think_ I went to war?"

"Why didn't you think you could tell me?" she asked softly, her eyes slightly glossy with wetness. "You knew I was 'dating' Jake, I'd be okay with it. We've been divorced for years."

"Okay with what?"

"That you have someone, too," she sighed, leaning her shoulder against the refrigerator door. When he continued to look at her in bewilderment, Sookie added. "You know, the one you're in love with so much that you went to war with a vampire Queen in Oklahoma because you didn't like what she said about her. I mean I'm happy for you Eric, I'd like to meet her-"

"You already know her."

"Well, that's good," she stuttered nervously, wondering exactly how this had gone unnoticed by her. The microwave beeped and she was happy for the distraction, dashing over to yank open the door, only to find the blood boiling and overcooked. With an apologetic shrug, she gestured towards the table, "Sit, I'll try again on the stove."

"I'm not really hung-"

"Sit," she growled, smiling when he obeyed with some reluctance. "You're a guest, I'm not letting you go hungry."

Eric's eyes roved over the display on the breakfast table, arranging the coloured pencils back in order in the box they came from. "It's scary how good he is at this," he noted.

"They're stick figures," Sookie snorted.

"He's only four!" Eric pointed out, still supremely proud at the scenes in front of him, recognising himself easily by the blonde hair and oversized fangs. Where the cape from, he had no clue. "These are masterpieces! Our son is a Master Artist in the making!"

"Uh-huh," Sookie chortled while stabbing a straw into the blood bag and presenting Eric with his very own vamp-flavoured Capri-Sonne, "Here, have some of that, and let's hope you come back to your senses."

"You could have warned me," he growled, without any of the intended hostility making it out as his eyes fell heady with the taste of fae-laced blood flooding his palette.

"That our son is a prolific genius at anything he sets his mind to?" she laughed. "You're the only one convinced of that at all times, Eric. Added to that, I think you only want to believe it because that flatters your giant ego as his father, I mean, it can't possibly come from me, can it?"

"I wasn't saying that," he sulked, "and I was talking about the blood."

"Ah," she nodded. "That's a Princess Pammy special." He merely raised a brow at her in question, allowing her to expand, "She's a lot more tolerable after her juice pack."

"You're treating her like the Bug," Eric grinned, somewhat disappointed he'd never thought of it himself, then suddenly becoming angry, "and now you're treating me like a four-year-old!"

She could barely contain her laugh, considering that the childish indignation on display all but validated the statement. She parked her breakfast bowl across from him to sit down, demonstratively keeping quiet while he continued to glower at her, eyes firmly following every small move she made. When she swallowed her first bite, she smiled broadly, "No, not a four-year-old." Before he could retort in a series of profanities that would fill up the swear jar and cover their child's college fund, she elaborated with a far too-wide grin, "A master artist four-year-old."

"Bitch," he grumbled, his mouth latching onto the straw again, pretending to ignore her altogether, which only seemed to further her amusement at his expense. He grabbed the most impressive drawing of the lot and held it up admiringly, "Shouldn't make fun of his skills. Look!"

"Well done, Eric," she smiled, her tone holding the same indulgence she often afforded her son. "It's very nice."

"I'm being serious," he growled. "He has talent."

"Maybe," Sookie shrugged. With his continued look of disbelief, she explained, "If he shows an actual interest in becoming an artist, I'll fully support him at any age. Right now, he's just drawing for the fun of it, make him an artist, and that'll be lost. Let him be a kid before he has to be whatever a child born to a vampire and a faery princess will have to be."

As ever, her measured argument evaporated his strong sense of righteousness, and silently he stared at the drawing again, disregarding the aptitude for skill, and seeing the fun clearly had on the piece of paper that had extended far beyond the edges and bounds; things that could be seen as mistakes, rather than the joy of wielding a brightly-coloured pencil beyond the edges of what was considered proper. He had to admit, that like Sookie, he preferred _that_ child, not the genius master artist. He could become whatever he wanted. He never, ever spoke the words that she was right, a small nod was conceded, though given in the direction of the illustration. "What do you think he was drawing?"

Sookie took a quick glance, making out the different shapes and crude adornments, equally bemused. She reached for it, only for it to be snatched out of her reach, Eric proclaiming, "I'm holding it!"

"Sheesh," she huffed. "I just wanted to see the back."

"Why?" he spat. "I'm not interested in the back, I want to know what this side is about."

"Turn it around," she replied with an eye roll. When he seemed all the more determined to never, ever turn around the drawing, let alone acknowledge the drawing had such a thing as a back to it, she explained, "At school, they always write down the little kiddie babbles on the back for the parents to decipher at home."

"Huh," Eric replied, genuinely surprised to find the nanny's neat script chronicling something about a party. He smiled, seeing his name and Sookie's, "F-ed it up?"

"Let me see that!" Sookie demanded and, without hesitance, it was promptly handed over. With no hint of a request, she informed, "You'll be having a word with Pam about this."

"How do you know it's Pam? It's much more likely to be Jason!"

"It was Pam," Sookie informed, matter of fact. "He's been asking her about us again. When I came to collect him she'd just gotten to the party part."

" _The_ party _?"_

"Yeah."

"I told her to not talk about it," he bristled.

"You might wanna try that commanding thing next time," Sookie suggested slyly, hoping to alleviate some of the tension. Instead, all Eric did was heave a big sigh.

"Why's he so interested in that?" Sookie had barely heard the question that flew out in a whisper, finding her hand suddenly resting atop his in comfort.

"He just wants to understand. We're not like the other divorced parents in his class."

"Not exactly like the married ones either," he added.

This time Sookie heaved the big sigh, "Maybe we should try to explain it to him."

"Explain what? I can barely understand it."

"Eric-"

"Yeah, yeah," he dismissed, removing his hand from under hers and picking up her now-empty bowl along with his 'juice pack' from the table. "I'll leave it alone."

She stared after him with a sympathetic pang of pain as he proceeded to clear away their shared breakfast, failing to come up with a proper response. "There's things I need to do today, will you be okay in here? Leo will be back in a few hours."

"I'll entertain myself," he nodded, somewhat despondent.

"Stay out of my closet," she warned with a warm smile.

"Once!" Eric cried out. "It was just the once! Will you ever shut up about it?"

"Yeah," she grinned, pleased to see him riled up again. "When I can erase the sight of you wearing my Spanx from my mind."

"I was just testing if they really did smooth down your curves," he replied defensively. "I had a baby bump to hide, you know."

"Yeah," Sookie smiled warmly at the memory. "I know. See you later, Eric. Call your girl, let her know you're safe and sound."

"She already knows. First one I came to see," he replied, watching her intently, but failing to see recognition spark in her eyes and, with a polite nod, she set off for her day.

* * *

 **A/N: Oh Sookie, when will you ever catch on… I'll be taking bets down below and award a woolly cock cosy sock thingy courtesy of Adele to whomever guesses when ;)**

 **Thanks to msbuffy once more.**


	26. Chapter 26 - Party

_This time Sookie heaved the big sigh, "Maybe we should try to explain it to him."_

 _"Explain what? I can barely understand it."_

 _"Eric-"_

 _"Yeah, yeah," he dismissed, removing his hand from under hers and picking up her now-empty bowl along with his 'juice pack' from the table. "I'll leave it alone."_

 _She stared after him with a sympathetic pang of pain as he proceeded to clear away their shared breakfast, failing to come up with a proper response. "There's things I need to do today, will you be okay in here? Leo will be back in a few hours."_

 _"I'll entertain myself," he nodded, somewhat despondent._

 _"Stay out of my closet," she warned with a warm smile._

 _"Once!" Eric cried out. "It was just the once! Will you ever shut up about it?"_

 _"Yeah," she grinned, pleased to see him riled up again. "When I can erase the sight of you wearing my Spanx from my mind."_

 _"I was just testing if they really did smooth down your curves," he replied defensively. "I had a baby bump to hide, you know."_

 _"Yeah," Sookie smiled warmly at the memory. "I know. See you later, Eric. Call your girl, let her know you're safe and sound."_

 _"She already knows. First one I came to see," he replied, watching her intently, but failing to see recognition spark in her eyes and, with a polite nod, she set off for her day._

* * *

Once Eric was assured he was alone in his former home, he found himself in her closet, _of course_. He couldn't really help it, when Sookie forbid him something, the temptation was all the greater, _and_ it usually meant she was hiding something, probably about that mutt. Eric knew there was more to it and he was determined to find out why she wasn't volunteering any more about it. Not that he cared much, for she was single again, which meant he had a chance once more. Probably. Probably highly. _Probably highly unlikely._

To his disappointment, the closet revealed nothing sinister that Sookie was hiding. Though the disappointment was somewhat mitigated by the fact that he couldn't scent the shifter anywhere in his, yes, _his,_ Eric couldn't care much for the actual semantics, _Sookie's_ bedroom. He was even more pleased to note this in her underwear drawer where he could only discern that heady waft of sexual frustration. He could work with that. Definitely. Definitely maybe. _Maybe not._

Sex never had been the issue between them and had formed much of their odd relationship since their divorce. Sookie's suggestion that they try and explain to their son exactly how they came to be what they were now ran through Eric's mind again. He perused the racks, not finding what he was looking for all too easily, finally unveiling it from a zipped up garment bag hidden in the deeper depths.

"Knew she kept it," he grinned, fingering the silk material. Out of curiosity, he peered in the other garment bags. "Not interested in me, my ass," he chuckled when he discovered the set of pajamas she'd married him in.

"Never said I wasn't interested in your ass, it's a very nice ass," Sookie interrupted. "Didn't I tell you to stay out of here?"

"I thought you left," he replied, the guilty look she was hoping for nowhere to be found.

"Forgot something and heard you up to no good," she shrugged. "You know, if you're really interested in womenswear I think you'd have more luck in Pam's closet."

"Wasn't looking for me," he said defensively.

"Uh-huh," Sookie replied with disbelief. "What are you doing with those?" she demanded, her heartbeat suddenly speeding up at the discovery of exactly _what_ he'd been rifling through.

"Proving you're a sentimental sap," he replied with a cheeky grin.

"I don't like waste," she retorted lamely, "You know that."

"You were happy enough to discard me, seems the shifter got the shaft just as easily," he grumbled under his breath, regretting saying it as soon as it flew out of his mouth while she stared at him in shock. She spun on her heels, failing to even come up with a reply, tears scenting the air as he called out her name in apology. He chased after her, but, despite the vampire speed, he was too late, a faint pop the only indication of exactly where she'd disappeared to. Eric roared in frustration, and a vase or two collided with the wall; they were from Walmart, _he hoped._

* * *

"What did Pappa do?"

"Ehm," Sookie struggled, taking in the vast field of flowers that had been transplanted to her living room.

"Was it my fault?" Leo asked in a small voice. "I'm sorry I woke up."

"No, sweetie," Sookie assured, hugging the little boy tightly, dropping a kiss to the crown of his head for extra assurance. "He just said something stupid when you were at school. Nothing for you to worry about. Go see if you can find him in this wilderness. I'm sure he's been waiting all day to play with you."

"Ok," he nodded with eager excitement, dropping his backpack on the floor with abandon and doing his best to locate the hiding vampire. Soon enough, Sookie could hear the cacophony of giggles coming from the direction of the play room, but it failed to put the usual smile on her face.

* * *

"You must give me the number of your decorator," Pam grinned through the screen. Sookie didn't know how the vampiress managed to break into her computer each and every time. She even succeeded in disabling the volume buttons, and every other key for that matter, leaving her no escape. Pam was going to 'talk' to her, _at her would be more accurate,_ whether she liked it or not.

"Hmm," Sookie replied, "He must be seriously contrite if he's sending you in."

"Hello to you, too," she sing-songed. "So, Eric's an ass, what else is new?"

"Pam, I'm really not discussing this with you-"

"And the Shifter is out of the picture," she continued, ignoring Sookie's interjection. "Good riddance, I say. I'm well impressed, I figured we'd be stuck with the stinking mutt for at least a few more months."

"If all you're calling for is to kick me while I'm down, Pam-"

"Whatever makes you say that?" she replied innocently, batting her eyelashes for extra measure. When Sookie failed to warm up to her, Pam's tone instantly fell to that of business, "Fine, tell me what it takes to make this right again. I told him flowers would leave you unimpressed. I'm thinking jewellery, I saw some lovely things at-"

"I don't want _anything!_ " Sookie spat back, "especially not from Eric. He can just pull his big boy pants up and act like a grown up by apologising to me in person, instead of hiding out behind my son."

" _Your_ son," Pam noted. "Interesting that."

Sookie peered at her curiously, Pam and contemplation never spelt out anything good.

"So you'll speak to him?"

"Didn't I just say that?" Sookie retorted, wondering what exactly the vampiress was playing at.

"No," she pointed out. "You said he can come apologise. There was no mention of you deigning Eric with the lovely sound of you voice."

"You're acting very strange, Pam."

She shrugged, "Jason's going down on me. You'll speak to him, then?"

"Gross, Pam!" Sookie grimaced. "Get out of my computer!"

"Only if you promise to hear Eric out," she urged.

"Fine," Sookie replied tersely, "When Leo is down for his nap."

"Go, sis!" Jason yelled, appearing on screen with a huge grin and a rather moist complexion, much to Sookie mortification. "`Bout time you two got back together."

"We're not-" Sookie denied, though it failed to reach Jason as Pam started to scold at him for abandoning his task, causing Sookie to see a flash of a naked breast she had absolutely no interest in.

"Hey, this doesn't count as a threesome, right?" Jason asked Pam with sudden worry. "No way am I wasting that with my sis! We may be Southern, but not that Southern!"

Sookie's patience thoroughly tested, she left the arguing couple to it, closing down the laptop and worrying about the work she has been attempting to do on the computer moments earlier for later.

In the meantime, it had become suspiciously quiet in the apartment, Leo was off to dreamland for his afternoon nap, sundown was not far off, and there was little doubt in Sookie's mind that Eric had 'overheard' the entire conversation with Pam. Not interested in giving him the advantage of seeking her out, she located him easily enough by his void and with determined steps, sought out the hiding vampire.

"So," she demanded after the audible pop diminished and the whites of Eric's eyes had returned to their natural setting from the initial surprise. "You wanted to talk, so talk."

"I shouldn't have said that," he offered up immediately. "I apologise."

"You said it though," she replied sternly. "You seemed to mean it."

"You don't want me to apologise?" Eric questioned carefully, _this couldn't possibly end well_. When she remained painfully silent, he offered, "I shouldn't have assumed about Jake, and I'm sorry if it didn't end well. I'm sure it wasn't the same as with us and it wasn't like that with us."

"It wasn't, no," Sookie replied tersely, losing the menacing eye contact and biting her lip. _Fuck, she was about to cry._

Suddenly there it was, a bit of literal cold comfort, banded around her warm body.

"What happened?" he asked in a surprisingly, soothing tone while barely surpassing a growl.

"It's Party Time!" she sobbed into his chest.

"What?"

Genuinely perplexed, he searched her eyes, wondering if she'd completely lost her mind. "A tattoo," she stuttered. "He had a tattoo."

"And it said 'It's Party Time'?" Eric questioned, trying to retain his laughter. "You broke it off over a tattoo? I mean it sounds like a stupid tattoo, but they generally are."

"Yes! No! I mean it was right there," she exclaimed with a fluster, glancing towards his jeans.

"Tattoos tend to be permanent like that," Eric drawled, trying to contain his judgement of her nonsensical judgement.

"You're not getting it," she huffed. Firmly she placed the palm of her hand just above his pubis, surprising him with the sudden warm touch, "It was right there."

"He has permanently tattooed 'It's Party Time!' above his cock?" Eric asked in all seriousness. Slowly, she nodded her head in accordance, a flush of shame rushing through her cheeks once more. She wasn't quite sure where to look anymore, yanking her hand back firmly to her side, hoping the floor would just swallow her whole all over again. Then Eric laughed, hysterically.

"See!" she exclaimed, relief flooding her, a small smile resurfacing on her face. "That's how you're supposed to react to something like that!"

"Please," Eric guffawed, "Tell me you laughed."

"Yeah," she snorted. "That was kind of the problem. He got all huffy. He was really proud of that tattoo!"

"Stop!" he pleaded, as tears of laughter were threatening to spill from his eyes. "Wait, were there balloons?"

"No!" Sookie exclaimed. "Thank God! There were streamers though… AND confetti!"

She couldn't help but laugh along then as Eric seemed to completely lose it to hysterics, though her earlier melancholy returned when the laughs subsided and the situation dawned on her once more. He ran a hand through her hair soothingly, requesting without words what happened next.

"Well, it really stopped being funny then," she whispered with annoyance. "Shifters, weres, you know they're harder to read for me, right? But when they're angry, it all comes pouring out."

With tight lips, Eric demanded, "What did you find out?"

"I don't want to talk about this anymore," Sookie replied softly. "Please? It doesn't take much to guess, now, does it?"

"Sookie," Eric warned. "Sticking your head in the sand won't make this go away."

"It's just not fair!" she sniffed. "I did everything right, took it slow, _really_ slow. Didn't introduce him to Leo until all the books said it was even remotely appropriate. Dotted my i's, and crossed all the t's, everything was right on schedule. Was it all perfect and storybook romance? Of course not, but it felt promising enough. I'd opened myself up to him, kept myself out of his mind as much as possible to respect his privacy, and now I'm kicking myself for never bothering in the first place and avoiding this giant mess from ever happening."

"So it was a Brigant Faery Princess with a direct access to the Prince of the Realm he was interested in, rather than the wonderful delight that is Sookie Stackhouse of former Bumfuck, Louisiana," Eric posited. "Let me guess, he _grew_ to like you while on the job. No, wait, love!"

"You knew!" she cried out, swatting him angrily against his chest. "And didn't tell me!"

He held her hand still soon enough, though the nervous energy continued to spark through her hands, doing little to scare him off. "I suspected," he explained calmly while resisting the temptation to rush out and rip the half-baked shifter faery into several furry pieces. _Besides, that cheeky fucker Niall would probably beat him to it. Again._ "Had I brought it up, would you have listened, or written it off as jealousy?"

She didn't answer initially, her mouth opened to deny his assumption, but she knew as well as he it wasn't the truth, so, instead, she kissed him, taking him by surprise, so much so that he barely responded, allowing her to escape his surrounding arms, his lips suddenly meeting cool air. "I'm sorry," she stammered between tears that had surfaced once more, despite her attempt at furiously wiping away at them. "I shouldn't have done that."

"It's fine," he assured, moving closer, seeking more of what she'd just bestowed on him.

"No," she sniffed, her hand firmly against his chest to maintain a modicum of distance. "You're with someone else now. I shouldn't have done that. I forgot, you're just so…"

"Good-looking," Eric grinned smugly and it only grew smugger when a small laugh escaped her.

"I was going to say _familiar_."

"Well, that, too," he agreed, "but I prefer good-looking."

Sookie shook her head, "Vanity, thy name is Eric Northman. Just remember who was there for you when you were balling your eyes out over your ruined abs."

"I remember," he replied, pulling her snuggly into his chest once more. Kissing the top of her forehead gently, "Now I'm here for you for a change."

"Sorry I've been so on edge, with you fighting some war, Jason insisting to come along, and finding out what a fraud Jake was while pretending everything was hunky dory for Leo," she sighed. "It's all been a bit much. Anyhow, I shouldn't have taken it out on you."

He shrugged, "It's fine, I can handle it."

"It's NOT fine!" she argued, causing him to raise a single brow and daring her to escalate the two of them into their next argument. "Anyhow, I'm sorry."

"Apology accepted."

"I don't think we've ever been this civil," she mumbled into his chest. "Now what?"

"Well," Eric chuckled, "there's always sex."

She glared up at him to check, _never could be all that sure when it came to Eric after all_ , that he really was joking. "So, who is she? The Swedish nanny, right?" It had to be her, it was the only mind Sookie didn't have access to as she thought exclusively in her own language and she wasn't very visual either.

"Who is what?" he replied in confusion.

"Your new girl," Sookie replied. "I mean, probably not so new if you're all loved up already."

"Interesting you'd call her a girl."

"Well, she's not exactly old, now is she?" Sookie frowned. "Especially compared to you."

"Interesting."

"What's with you and Pam and the word 'interesting' today?"

"Interesting is an interesting word, is it not?"

"Stop deflecting," she huffed. "Do you and Pam just rehash every single word you've exchanged each night, seeking hidden meaning?"

"Only for Sookie," he grinned.

"Why am I not surprised?" she sighed with a roll of her eyes. "Maybe next time, discuss why you insist on holding onto me for way longer than is socially acceptable."

"Not really something up for analysis," he scoffed, reducing her attempt at untangling the two of them to a mere wiggle in his arms.

"Why?"

He scooped down, depositing a soft kiss to her lips, pouring everything he failed to articulate in it all at once, removing his arms from around her to cup her face while she stared at him with confusion, only to be informed, "Because you're my girl."

* * *

 **A/N: Okay so not _the_ party but there were streamers and confetti :D Now whatever will Sookie respond…**

 **Thankfully I have never laid eyes on that tattoo in that spot myself but I have it on high authority that is out there...**

 **Much thanks to msbuffy for all the extra commas, banishing of dashes (even though I kind of like them) and all that other nice work she does to make this legible.**


	27. Chapter 27 - Funny

_She glared up at him to check, never could be all that sure when it came to Eric after all, that he really was joking. "So, who is she? The Swedish nanny, right?" It had to be her, it was the only mind Sookie didn't have access to as she thought exclusively in her own language and she wasn't very visual either._

 _"Who is what?" he replied in confusion._

 _"Your new girl," Sookie replied. "I mean, probably not so new if you're all loved up already."_

 _"Interesting you'd call her a girl."_

 _"Well, she's not exactly old, now is she?" Sookie frowned. "Especially compared to you."_

 _"Interesting."_

 _"What's with you and Pam and the word 'interesting' today?"_

 _"Interesting is an interesting word, is it not?"_

 _"Stop deflecting," she huffed. "Do you and Pam just rehash every single word you've exchanged each night, seeking hidden meaning?"_

 _"Only for Sookie," he grinned._

 _"Why am I not surprised?" she sighed with a roll of her eyes. "Maybe next time, discuss why you insist on holding onto me for way longer than is socially acceptable."_

 _"Not really something up for analysis," he scoffed, reducing her attempt at untangling the two of them to a mere wiggle in his arms._

 _"Why?"_

 _He scooped down, depositing a soft kiss to her lips, pouring everything he failed to articulate in it all at once, removing his arms from around her to cup her face while she stared at him with confusion, only to be informed, "Because you're my girl."_

* * *

"Eric," Sookie complained. "This isn't funny."

"I'm not being funny."

"Then what is this?"

"Staking my claim, planting my flag, whatever you want to call it," he shrugged. "I'm letting you know of my intentions before some other shifty bastard comes along and sweeps you away. I want you, only you. I want my wife back."

"Eric, no," she stated firmly. "We never worked and never will. Stop pushing this."

"I'll stop pushing when I know there's absolutely no chance," he informed coolly. "It isn't now. In fact, now is the perfect-"

"We agreed, it isn't fair to Leo. Parents first, remember. Nothing's changed."

"Yet I still feel the same-"

"Eric, don't," she whispered. "Please, just stop."

"Remember when I was going out of my mind, paranoid, and convinced I was going to have to give birth to the Bug through my dick? You were so sweet to me then; we can be that again."

"We weren't even together then," she pointed out. "If this is your way of hinting for a blowjo-"

"Exactly. Can't you see that we were together?" he interjected, ignoring her last sentence. "It didn't matter that our legal status said 'divorced.' You were there for me, and I like to think I'm there for you when you let me. That's a sort of together, isn't it?"

"It is," she agreed, "but it's not the same as consciously being together, being a husband and wife. I know what a commitment from you means, Eric. That was never my concern, you know that. You're just lost in the after effects of coming out victorious in a war right now, nothing more."

"It's not that," he stated, matter of fact. When she gave him that all-too-familiar face that demanded an explanation, Eric elaborated, "Leo asked about 'the party' right before his nap. While I could recall in vivid colour all that went on there, as appropriate to be told to a four-year-old, I couldn't answer the question that made him want to ask about the party in the first place, why two people on the verge of such a bright future walked away further apart each other than ever. I couldn't answer because I don't even know what happened in there to cause it, all I know is that something changed there and, no matter how many times I look back, go through every single detail, relive every moment, I just don't know what I did wrong."

"You didn't do anything wrong," she admitted. "Well, not then, anyhow."

"I-"

"Eric."

"Yeah."

"Did you go to war over me?" She scrutinised him at length when he seemed genuinely lost for words and unwilling to answer. "Are you schtooping the nanny? Elska?"

 _That_ he could answer easy enough, "Fuck no, she's like twelve."

With a nod, she moved out of his grasp towards her bedroom, assuring herself Leo was firmly asleep, knowing full well that Eric would obediently trail behind her without being told. She sat at the foot of her bed, patting the empty space beside her while he stood in the doorway, not quite sure where to position himself. He knew the bedroom well, over the years they'd found comfort in each other's arms often enough whether it be from boredom or a bit of comfort, but more likely the result of a heated argument; however, even though the location was the same, it was different somehow now. He felt like an intruder, despite being invited. Perhaps because there had been a period of abstinence while she dated Jake, but that wasn't quite it either.

"Eric?" Sookie whispered when he appeared to be more statue than his usual statuesque while continuing to hover by the threshold. Moving towards him, she grabbed his arm, tugging him in, "I think I'm about to give birth through my penis."

"What?" he coughed, the word catching on his breath.

"Be sweet to me," she whispered into his neck, knowing what the heat of her breath did to him right there. "I just want you to be sweet to me right now. Can you do that?"

"Yes," he gulped, the sensation of it all overwhelming him temporarily before he could gather himself and revert to his usual cocky self. "I can _definitely_ do that."

* * *

"What is this, Sookie?" he whispered against her sated skin.

"Does it have to be anything?" she whimpered, his attachment to her suddenly becoming uncomfortable and stifling. "Move, please? Leo will be up any second and I don't want him barging in here assuming things."

"In other words, you don't want _me_ assuming anything," he replied testily, while complying with her request regardless, slipping back into his clothes with his back turned to her. "Distract me with your tits, and I'll stop asking the hard questions and leave you alone for long enough to do it all over again."

With an unexpected amount of regret lacing her tone and her hand on his shoulder, she spoke softly, "Eric. I didn't mean it like that, you have to know that." A small nod was granted, but he lacked the conviction to put it into words, allowing her to breathe out a long withheld breath.

"You and I," he finally replied, looking up into her rather vulnerable eyes, not all too dissimilar to his own, the worst of his anger now dissipated, "We'll always be unfinished business, won't we?"

Silence fell between them, unsure what that really meant, but Sookie found herself unable to outright deny or confirm the statement. "I should start dinner," she finally said, the faint signature of her son regaining consciousness alerting her further.

"Can I-?"

"Sure," Sookie replied, though not exactly sure to what she was agreeing. "Stay as long as you like."

"I might never leave then," he joked, but it didn't receive the laugh from her he'd hoped for.

"Speaking of unfinished business," Sookie deviated smoothly, while silently requesting that he zip up the back of her dress. "There's some company things that came up during your absence I'd like to go through with you, maybe after Leo is down for the night? It should only be a couple of hours."

"Yeah, sure," he replied, falling into business mode with the same ease as she, his hand only lingering on the small of her back momentarily before she moved away. For whatever reason, that dynamic between them always worked and while they'd fight each other on many decisions in the boardroom, they always managed to come together exceptionally well. Eric loathed to admit it, though he'd acknowledged it on a few occasions, but Sookie had become a great asset to the business, which made him repeatedly question Niall's insistence in manoeuvring her into it, as ever the Prince's long game left much to be guessed at.

A high pitched squeal interrupted Eric's thoughts, accompanied by the not-all-too-unusual disgruntled voice of Sookie, "Jason, he can't eat pizza every night!"

"It's the breakfast of champions, and we're fucking champions, coming to celebrate!" Jason retorted hotly.

"But it's not breakfast time," Leo whined.

"Dinner of champions then!" Jason amended quickly. "Or breakfast for dinner…or somethin'. I mean, pizza, Sis!"

"I thought you changed the locks," Eric grinned while exchanging a small nod with Pam as Leo eagerly wrapped himself around his legs in an attempt to climb his tall frame. Sookie's exasperated look informed him this had done little to deter his Childe and her husband from entering her home without an invitation.

"I guess you two did some celebrating of your own," Pam grinned while taking a dramatic whiff of the air.

"You celebrated without me!" the little boy protested indignantly. "No fair!"

"And that's why _we_ have pizza," Jason interjected chirpily, grinning widely at his thoroughly annoyed sister. "Duh!"

Sookie heaved a big sigh before gesturing everyone in the direction of the dining table. "I'll take my blood in a pink cup today, I think," Pam instructed an already testy Sookie, "and one of those crazy straws!"

"I'll get it," Eric offered, earning him a grateful look from Sookie, only for Pam to dramatically huff with the knowledge it surely wouldn't be her specially curated blend while seating herself beside Leo, her impending cry of protest silenced with a mere menacing glance from Eric.

"Ooh, Pammy got told," Leo giggled, not failing to miss one bit of the silent exchange.

"Shut it, you!" she growled in warning while peeking in the back of his shirt, prompting the vampiress to gleefully inform, "Just for that we're waxing your back again."

"NOOOOOO! It hurts!"

"Not as much as it hurts my eyes to see that furry pelt of kitten hair!" Pam countered, sticking out her tongue for good measure and faking gagging noises, only to shriek out in pain when a small set of fingers and thumbs caught the muscular tongue in his rather strong grasp.

"Cat got your tongue there, Pam?" Sookie goaded, enjoying the sight a little too much while divvying up the pizza. The vampiress' attempt at a retort was stifled, which only added to the ridicule of the far from frightening sight. Leo dissolved into more giggles, Sookie and Jason laughing along at his antics. Eric merely raised his brow in amusement while setting down his and Pam's dinner on the table, in a very normal glass with no straw.

"For all I do for this family," Pam grumbled when she finally regained autonomy of her tongue, "and _this_ is the thanks I get."

"Sorry," Leo whispered, genuinely contrite while depositing a kiss to her cheek as small arms tried to clumsily simulate a hug. Sookie couldn't help but grin as it appeared the ice queen melted a few degrees with the sudden gesture. "Love you, Pammy."

"Love you, too, little fucker," she replied back in a more familiar version of herself, a single glance daring anyone else at the table to pull her up on her 'inappropriate' language.

"Do you want my straw?" he offered, the item already out of his drink, dripping on the table and well on its way to her drink, a drop of milk staining the deep red liquid as she stifled her shriek of horror.

Eric watched on in amusement while Pam wearily nodded and carefully drank from her own drink, hiding her disgust at the saliva-laden straw with a fraudulent smile. He caught Sookie's eyes, sharing a secret smile at the interaction of the two 'children', only for her to quickly look away again.

"Was there a dragon when you fought, Papa?" Leo asked in between his bites of pizza. Eric merely shook his head with a chuckle while his son pouted in disappointment. "I thought all evil queens had dragons."

"Maybe next time," he offered consolingly.

Perking up instantly, he proclaimed, "So I get to come next time? Sweet!"

A warning glance from Sookie had Eric regretfully informing that _that_ would most definitely not be happening.

"Maybe you'll see a dragon in Faerum, they have them there, no evil queens required," Sookie tried to cheer up the disappointed boy.

"You're taking him to Faerum?" Eric asked rather surprised.

"No," Sookie replied. "Niall wants to show him around, and I thought we'd discuss it _later."_

Eric nodded amiably, feeling anything but, and trying desperately to temper the possessive instinct of binding his son physically to his body and never letting him go anywhere ever again. _Especially to other dimensions._

"Doesn't sound like much of a discussion, if the sprout here already thinks he's going," Pam noted dryly while simultaneously nudging her drink towards Eric in a silent demand he finish it off in exchange for voicing that.

Eric's heated gaze locked onto Sookie, causing her to defensively ground out, "Niall didn't ask, he informed."

"Commanded, you mean," Eric retorted, barely containing his rage.

"Hey, Sprout! Wanna go out to get ice cream?" Jason addressed the little boy who suddenly looked very concerned while observing the glances between his parents. The offer of dessert thankfully was tempting enough for Leo to jump into Pam's arms, waving at his parents while being escorted out.

"He's going," Sookie informed while slamming the plates on top of each other. "It's not up for discussion."

"Why am I not surprised?" Eric volleyed back sardonically.

"They're my family, Eric!"

"And heaven forbid if you ever say no, or, I don't know, decide something for yourself?"

"It's not like that!" she cried out furiously, the stack of plates in her hands crashing to the table with a loud clang. "It'll broaden his horizons."

"This is not about broadening Leo's horizons," Eric pointed out coolly. "This is about you answering any of their requests with 'how high?' Is that how it happened, they told you to break it off with me and you did?"

"What! No! Why would you even think that?"

"Bullshit, Sookie! You always complain about their demands of you, how you can't _not_ do something, and you do it all with a smile anyway. You're allowing them to do the same thing with Leo. You might as well just hand him over and if we're lucky, he'll come visit us some time when he's old and grown."

"It's not like that at all!" Sookie protested. "They're not taking him from us!"

"No," Eric agreed, "that would imply it hasn't happened already. You've given in and sold us out! Very cheaply at that."

She gasped in shock, "You can't expect me to go against my family!"

"I'm not expecting you to! I'm just asking you to say no sometimes, to object to a command that comes in the disguise of a request. It shouldn't be that hard, you seem to manage to shut me down just fine. Leo has two parents, they decide where he goes and doesn't go, and nobody else. If you give them this much leeway now, imagine what it will be like the rest of his life. It's his life to live, not theirs." He managed a deep breathe, restoring some calm. "You know I'm right."

Sookie remained painfully silent before finally agreeing with a nod. "I said no to Niall once, you know," she whispered in a tone that wouldn't be audible to an ordinary human. Eric regarded her with confusion, forcing her to elaborate, "I was to remain married to you, whether I liked it or not. _I_ wanted the divorce, not him."

Eric didn't dare ask more, he knew it had cost her something, and he wasn't quite prepared to know what. "I'll talk to him," he promised. "We'll make it work somehow. Leo's not going anywhere without us."

She let out a sigh of relief, mouthing a word of thanks while wiping away at a few errant tears. His hands shooed her erratic ones away to delicately move the tears aside with his thumbs before cupping her face and latching his lips onto hers. "You're lucky I love you, Sookie Stackhouse."

* * *

 **A/N: Alright some cryptic references to the past in there that hints at Sookie's motivations without explaining a thing, you know how I love to wind you all up in an appropriate manner ;) , the full story is yet to be told and there's only one more chapter of this left… Hope you enjoyed Pam and her interaction with little Leo :D Oh yeah, Eric declared something rather casually, must not forget that…**

 **Much thanks to msbuffy!**


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